The Bridezilla Syndrome

As the summer season reaches its peak, one thing that tops everyone’s list is weddings. I don’t know about you guys, but I find myself invited to several marriage ceremonies that constitute of the same cliché.

Since high school, I have met, known, and befriended too many pathetic girls who don’t know the first thing about being funny, looking good, or getting a guy’s attention. Oddly enough, these young ladies in particular usually seem to be the first that get married. Knowing how unpromising they are (by most people’s standards), all that matters to them is digging their claws into the first naive guy that gives them the time of day. In other words, Bridezilla meets her victim at a perversely young age and remains with him in a “dedicated, committed, long-term relationship” until he is either financially or psychologically capable of tying the knot – as planned by her mother, grandmother, and any remaining living ancestors) – while her boyfriend proudly boasts to his friends that he is lucky to have found a virgin who he can mold into the lady of his dreams (well, DUH, she’s 16 . . . pedophilia much?).

Now although Bridezilla has been an butt-kisser since the ice age, the minute her wedding date is set, she suddenly becomes the Queen B whose marriage is the event of the season that only the crème de la crème are allowed to attend (of course, being tightfisted is always the reason for why X, Y, and Z are not invited to the La Classe wedding). Bridezilla will also become the love guru du monde who never stops giving relationship advice to friends, enemies, siblings, trees, and furniture. She will say annoying phrases like “3a’belik . . . inshallah nefrah mennik. Yalla, sheddé hemtik.” (Yuck, yuck, YUCK!). My answer is always “metel ma allah bi reed. . . merci”, but what I really want to say is, “sorry but I actually have a life, value my career, and have parents who are willing to support my lazy ineligible self for as long as I want”. God forbid you are still unmarried after 25 (or OH NO, after 28?!), you will be pitied, judged, and expected to have a justification for still being single at such an age; like having male genitals or a fatal, contagious illness. In any case, Bridezilla will always give a condescending smile before she walks away to harass yet another person who couldn’t care less.

Even if Bridezilla is your best friend of 15 years, the moment she gets married, she will slowly drift further and further away from you and your circle of friends, because you are now the loser who did not know how to “play the game” right. She will gradually move into more constipated important circles where she can debate the crucial topics of “Persil vs. Ariel and Filipino vs. Ethiopian housekeepers”. A couple of times per year, Bridezilla will invite you out for lunch (because you’re single, hence broke, with no one to support you) and will pester you with the most meaningless subjects like, “today my son farted for the first time. Last week, I found the most divine cutlery for my kitchen. Oh, let me show you a photo of my angel’s first tooth. . .” As Bridezilla continues telling me her exhilarating tales, I reassure her that I’m not yawning because I’m bored, but because my body lacks oxygen . . . yes indeed.

I know I sound like a bitter and jealous old hag who is 170 kg with acne problems, but I am just curious (like many) as to why this transformation occurs after nuptials. Is it conflict of interest? Is it finally finding your role (as a Madame)? Or is it simply the way things progress? In any case, I wish that brides-to-be and newly-weds would keep one small truth in mind: before the ring, there was an entire lifetime filled with friends, topics, and activities that made you the person you are today. Letting go of that would be like letting go of your identity. Getting married and having kids is a gift; it just does not have to be limited to baby vomit, detergent, and complaints of boring sex, because we single losers couldn’t give a damn.

“Ideological differences are no excuse for rudeness.” Judith S. Marin

I See Dumb People

Disclaimer: Any offensive statements found in this post are based on temporary insanity and immaturity. They are in no way intended to offend you, given that you’re a competent person who reads and writes.

I believe it is essential in life for every person to have two things: A hobby and an opinion. Now for some* narrow-minded people who will cling to my every word, I would like to clarify that there are indeed other important things in life as well; but now I will write about (and I repeat) having a hobby and an opinion.
When I got the opportunity to write my own column, I was pleasantly surprised that more than 1000 people in Lebanon actually read; and like every other writer; I have received positive feedback and negative remarks (some that are very politely and respectfully written, and others, . . . well . . . ). Once again, to the narrow-minded ones; I do not mean “read” as in “A-B-C-D-E”, I mean it in the sense that you actually take the time to buy a book that you can: read before sleeping, read on a plane, read while lying down by the pool.
I was even more happy to know that while browsing the internet, some* people decided to navigate away from Facebook, Youtube, poker, and/or porn sites to take a few minutes to read online (it must have been difficult, so good job!). Most readers understand my point of view, don’t take it too seriously, laugh about it, and move on with their lives. Some* readers though apparently have two-digit IQ’s and cannot comprehend a sentence that exceeds 4 words, so they understand 10 words out of 600, find themselves super offended, and start dreaming up ways of how to make me cry. The closest they can get is something that sounds like this:

“Who you sink you are? you have no right to over-generaleyes, because not all people like zis. best luck for your write because you suck! You suck! You suck! People don’t believe zis *****, hear me instead because iz clear zat I know what I am talk about! . . . You Suck!”
Signed, Big F to the A to the G.

Oh . . . Shut up . . . and please write this down on a piece of paper and swallow it: “I must learn how to understand what I am reading, in terms of its content and message. I must also take some English classes and learn how to write before I attempt to express another lonely thought through writing. Finally, I must buy my very first book, ‘Freedom of Speech for Dummies’ and acknowledge the fact that I am indeed, a dummy”.

(When someone gives me a remark like the one above, the only pain I feel is from the strain in eyes and brain while I desperately try to understand and decipher what I am reading.)

So, back to the beginning: Hi, my name is Rita Dahdah. I am an average person that loves to express her opinions through writing. Writing is my hobby, and my entries (opinion pieces) will remain MY opinion forever; I promise that they will never become a written law that would forbid some* of you from acting like the idiots that you are.
You don’t have to accept my opinion, but you must respect it (it is part of being civilized). If you have something to say, start a blog and spread the word.
Food for thought #1: even if there’s no law against the behavior I am mocking, reasonable people will still laugh at it.
Food for thought #2: if some* of you find yourselves awfully offended after reading something I wrote, it is quite probable that you fall right into the category I am mocking (even if you have super-duper English and a three-digit IQ, you are not entitled to be a “holier than thou” philosophizer who feels the need to argue about air).
That being said, I want to thank all of you who are reading “La Wlooo” on a weekly basis, and I hope that you’re enjoying reading it as much as I’m enjoying writing it.
Lebanon has so much talent; whether it’s an upcoming designer, painter, sculptor, singer, actor (you know, the interesting jobs that make NO money in this country), let’s support each other, help each other fulfill our dreams, and show the world what Lebanon is really made of.
Peace everyone; keep your hearts beautiful and your minds drama-free.

*some: this precaution was taken so that some people don’t end up getting a gum inflammation because of over-generalization.

“When I’m hungry, I eat. When I’m thirsty, I drink. When I feel like saying something, I say it.” Madonna

Fighting Football Fever

Lebanese Football fans gave a whole new meaning to the FIFA World Cup 2010. Here are the guidelines they followed in order to transform football fever into a tribal battle.

1. You are either a German or Brazilian Fan: because you have no knowledge of football whatsoever and no clue about what other teams are playing.

If you are a German fan, you have the right to be angry (not sure why), and hold up a German flag or preferably a Nazi flag (because God forbid that Lebanese people go one day without affiliating everything with some form of politics).

“How can you not love the home of Mercedes Benz, BMW, Michael Shumaker, and Adolph Hitler?” said a German fan. Jeez, such deep relevance! Bear in mind that 80% of these hardcore fans have never been to Germany and are in no way linked to the country.

If you are a Brazilian fan, there is no need for a sweater. If you get cold, just wrap a Brazilian flag around your shoulders. You are the cheery, samba-dancing, ‘carnaval’ folk that wears yellow to every game, so that street lights (and/or the sun) aren’t needed anymore. You tell tales of how babies in Rio play football in the sand every day before they learn to walk. “Have you ever been to Brazil?” “Oh no, but I’ll be going in 2014 for the next World Cup – and my great, great, great grandmother is Brazilian,” said a delusional Brazilian fan.

2. When your team wins:
When Germany wins (or whenever Brazil, Italy, and Argentina lose), every anti-German Blackberry user receives broadcast messages, informing them how of much their teams stink, suck, and don’t deserve to live, breathe, or play football – some will even ‘heil’ Hitler (again, such deep relevance!).

I switched from cheering for Italy to Brazil to Argentina to Spain, solely for the love of the game (yeah right!). So, I lived through the humiliation 4 different times, during which I was verbally attacked by German fans. (why all the anger?!)

When Brazil wins, fans begin to cry (literally) and hug each other while proudly stating that this is how the gods play football. They will send countless meaningless Blackberry broadcast messages like “when samba plays, samba wins” . . . How cheesy! It’s a football game, not a dance academy.

As a result, the Blackberry service will freeze for a few hours, leaving all Blackberry users lost, confused, and panicky.

After this, it is time to take to the streets. As if we haven’t all already seen too many mopeds in Brazermany (a.k.a. Lebanon), they somehow multiplied during the World Cup season. I believe there is some sort of “moped/waz-waz” association that summons these gangs to ride together all over the traffic infested streets, creating a ruckus with their foul language, loud voices, frustrating horns, and migraine-inducing vuvuzelas so that they annoy every person from Beirut to Tripoli. All is fair in love and football – including fireworks and gun shots in residential areas. Should the tribes come in contact with one another, we’d be reminded of the movie Gangs of New York (but even those gangs were more civilized than the vuvu tribes of Brazermany).

3. When your team loses:
When Brazil loses, it’s no problem; Argentina will suffice. Although both teams absolutely detest each other, they are neighbors; so in the eyes of the Lebanese fans it automatically means Brazil = Argentina. One hour after the ex-Brazilian fans buy the Argentinean flags, Argentina loses in the most embarrassing game ever, but the Brazintineans remain hopeful, for they have already bought flag number 3: Spain. Most were thinking that Spain is another one of Brazil’s neighbors – wow! (seriously??!!)

When Germany loses, there is only one logical reason for that, and thus one logical solution: KILL PAUL THE OCTOPUS!!! There were petitions pleading to spare that poor mollusk’s life!! After their loss, German fans still go out to the streets and ‘celebrate’ because in their eyes, Germany won! Tsk tsk. Days later, some buy Spanish flags, and others buy Dutch flags – and this marks the end of the Brazermany Era . . . for now.

This behavior just comes to show that Lebanese people love to fight about the silliest things! The uncivilized behavior demonstrated during football season was worse than the behavior of hooligans and cave men – at least hooligans are cheering for their own country’s teams, and cave men didn’t know about being civilized! That being said, if only we’d all learn to love Lebanon and each other as much as we love football, maybe this country could start becoming a better place. Football or no football, I cheer for my country, Long Live Lebanon!

“Civilization is just a slow process of learning to be kind.” Charles L. Lucas

Man! Make Her Feel Like a Woman!

Following last week’s entry which was dedicated to attacking women’s behavior in relationships, I simply couldn’t let the guys feel left out; so as I promised, here are ten pointers that men should take into consideration during courtship:

1. You complain she’s a gold digger, yet you take out a car loan to flaunt your expensive ride and live a showoff-ish lifestyle that you can barely afford because “that’s the only way she’ll ever look at you” – Ha! Well, what kind of girl were you expecting? The saddest part is, some men end up marrying these women. It’s simple, if you want someone true, keep it real!

2. You are NOT her father! You should never tell her how to dress, talk, eat, or laugh. Never tell her who she can’t talk to, and don’t smother her with constant phone calls when she’s out with friends. She has a brain of her own and knows her boundaries – if she doesn’t, then she’s not the girl for you.

3. You are not her bodyguard; if there’s a guy who is up in her business, she can take care of it – and don’t interfere unless she asks you to. There is nothing more vulgar than a guy starting a public fight to defend HIS macho ego.

4. A little jealousy is nice – too much is borderline psychotic. You have no right to accuse her of being a whore because she has male friends – it’s not like she is fornicating with them for Pete’s sake! When in doubt, hear her side of the story before transforming into the mighty Hulk.

5. An Ex is an Ex. IF they are on good terms and he shows you no disrespect, you simply cannot “forbid” her to talk to him. He is a part of her past and was around long before you, so suck it up! She is with YOU now and there is a very good reason for that.

6. Never inquire about her past. Step 1: stay away from the obvious whores. Step 2: she is either an honest person or not, and whether or not she chooses to convey details to you is her decision. Step 3: instead of focusing on her past so much, try focusing on how she is with you, (you moron).

7. Your hardest task: NEVER take her for granted. If you happen to be one of the lucky few that found one of the last good Lebanese girls, you better treat her like a princess (she will appreciate it). If you treat her like a doormat, chances are she’ll still stick around because she loves you so much – but keep in mind that there are 486 guys out there who would worship her.

8. Never act stingy. This is probably one of the most vomit-inducing characteristics in a guy. If she’s a nice girl, she will not allow you to pay every time and she will love any meaningful gift you get her, but do not make it a habit to buy her a cheap gift on her birthday and empty her wallet every time you “take her out”. Get a job or get out of the relationship!

9. Chivalry is NOT dead (I hope) – so don’t kill it (please). It is always a breath of fresh air when you open the door for your lady, pull back her chair at a restaurant, walk beside her while entering a venue instead of jolting right in as if you have a rocket up your butt.
Note that: Romantic gestures are always good; being Shakespearean gay is bad!

10. You are not a semi-gay Ken Doll, you are a man. Every woman loves a confident man, but there is a very fine line between narcissism and self-confidence, so please refrain from giving yourself compliments every 2.5 minutes while you adore your reflection in the mirror.

Since most of the men reading this would have probably spaced out by now after throwing obscene remarks at what I wrote, I will leave you with these loving words: Being a man is not determined by your hot temper or your hot ride; if you’re a real man, you’ll get yourself a real lady because a real lady can spot a real man at “hello” (So work a little on your approach, coz a little bit goes a long way).

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde

How To Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

To all you ladies out there who ever wondered why a certain relationship didn’t work out for you, I am sure you can relate to at least 3 of the following – sadly enough, I can relate to at least 5!

To all you men out there, I am pretty sure you’ll enjoy reading this more than the ladies, but it’s your turn next week. Read on:

1. You’re a part of your man’s life, you’re not his universe. He has friends and family that he’s known before you were born; so if you cannot accept it, go get the extra attention from your parents.

2. So what if he’s the guy? It wouldn’t hurt you to invite him to dinner every once in a while and offer to pay or split the bill a few times. Being a selfish princess is not sexy anymore.

3. If you’re a lady, he’ll be a gentleman – it is the simple truth. I do not see anything healthy about how couples here play dirty mind games on each other. It is tiring and definitely cannot last forever.

4. You are NOT his mother. If he wants to drive like a maniac, drink beer till he vomits, or stay up all night playing poker, it is not your responsibility to scold him about it. You can either accept him for the immature infant that he is, or break up with him and find yourself a real man.

5. Make him miss you! You are made up of flesh and bones, not superglue. You do not have to see your man every second of every day. A little bit of mystery is healthy – you do not have to carry your cell phone in your bosom so that you answer his every call within milliseconds.

6. Attitude is not always sexy. If you keep making him feel that whatever he does is not good enough, he will eventually leave (if he has any balls at all). Remember this: there is at least one woman out there who wishes she could be with your man.

7. Many women are still unmarried by 35 because they set their standards too high. Sorry, but there is no such thing as a loyal gentleman who will worship you, give you his undivided attention, buy you presents on every occasion (that he never forgets) while he runs his multi-million dollar corporation that got him his 6 houses, 2 boats, and expensive cars. Be realistic, no matter how much of a catch you think you are, there’s always someone better than you out there, so step down from your pedestal.

8. Work on your mistakes before you try to change your man. You are not Dr. Phil, you do not have a PhD in Psychology, and no one is in the mood for your philosophizing.

9. If you cheat, just remember one thing: it doesn’t mean you don’t respect your man, it means you do not respect yourself. Good luck on being labeled a skank.

10. No woman wants to be with a weak and stupid man. Any smart man will see right through a woman’s intentions, so make sure that your intentions towards him are not of a material, superficial, or selfish nature – not only is it a turn-off, but the only person you’ll be fooling is yourself.

Relationships are never easy, especially here in Lebanon where everyone has to act like they have a stick up their butt. We all need to chill a little; setting rules is an unnatural act that will only lead to killing the romance in any relationship. Instead, just enjoy it, do what YOU think is right instead of following the advice of the constipated society around you. Most importantly, keep it personal and magical!

 “One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure.” Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City)