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Be Your Youest You

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It’s been a while since my last blog post. I realize this now.

I have followers on Instagram that show me more love that I could ever deserve. Sometimes though, I wonder if I’m endorsing too much of a perfect image, which goes against my principles of staying real. Recently, I’m being asked many questions by the most amazing young girls about how/why I’m “always happy,” how I keep my skin/hair/body “looking so good,” or how I’m “so lucky.” The thing is, these girls don’t see how amazing they are because they’re too busy comparing their lives to others’.

Now we have enough betches in the media endorsing “all perfect everything,” “ you can’t sit with us,” emphasizing on having round booties, and creating complexes for people who have anything less than 20 Chanel bags, 10 Birkins and a private jet. Hence, I have slithered hither to provide a quick reality check to many out there who have lost their grasp on reality. This one is for the ladies.

I would like to clarify something. The reason I love photography so much is because you capture “happy” moments. You could be in the worst mood, having the worst time, and yet you will still manage to strike a pose and smile for the camera. Even a slight crop can change an entire scenario. In a couple of years, you will look back at that photo not even remembering how awful you felt. You will only see what it wants you to see. That being said, don’t set your standards of happiness according to what you believe other people’s lives are like. We are all bullshit artists – one way or another.

Today, I will not point fingers at anyone to get my point across. Instead, I will use my flaws as an example.

  • I could practice yoga twice a day, everyday, but if I stop for one or two weeks, I can kiss my round butt goodbye. Not everyone is blessed with a big booty, and not everyone cares enough to go under the knife to get a fake ass. The guy I’ll end up with is someone who will fall for my brain, not my behind. So yes, I’d rather have a flat ass. Because my flat ass is mine.
  •  I have B cups – and while many may consider that small, I don’t care. They’re mine and I love them. I can wear whatever I want, unbutton my shirt all the way down if I want to, and not look skanky. I don’t understand women with fake D cups and I think you have something really messed up in that head of yours to go and insert implants the size of a newborn baby into your skin. Why would anyone want to purposely do that? As for the women with natural big breasts, this does not apply to you because those D cups are yours just like my B cups are mine.
  • I have freckles all over my face, chest and arms. I have never tried hiding them once. A photographer once photoshopped them out for me. I told him he was an asshole and never worked with him again because he tried erasing something that’s mine. On that note, I have uneven nostrils and my nose looks more like a bird’s beak. I hate the right side of my face, but I don’t care. It’s mine. When I’m tired, my eyes don’t open, and if they do, my right one is visibly smaller than the left. I don’t care, I’m blessed enough to have two beautiful eyes to call mine.
  • While many may perceive me as intimidating, I am the clumsiest person I know. I’ve lit a table on fire on a first date. I’ve tripped and landed on stranger’s table at a Michelin starred restaurant. I’ve chipped my tooth at least four times in my life. My legs are always bruised because I’m always walking into tables and falling down the stairs. I snort when I laugh and I’m pretty loud when I get excited. I bite and chew on my cuticles, and when I don’t, I’m usually twirling my hair. And boy do I love my hair, but it’s always all over the place – including someone’s mouth. But these are my flaws and these are the things that make me different than you. And if I’m not hurting anyone by possessing these qualities, why on earth would I change them? I know that even if 6 billion people hate these things about me, one person who will matter the most to me will love each and every one of them because they make me, me; because they’re mine.
  • I am big on manners, but there are some I do not possess. I am the most unpunctual person I know. I have tried to change that – and failed. I have a potty mouth and use the word “fuck” at least once in every conversation. “Where’s my fucking phone? Are you fucking serious? You look fucking great!” Sorry, not sorry. I have road rage – the worst you’ve ever seen. I like men more than women because they’re simpler to deal with and I don’t have to worry about their competitive jealousy spells. As a result, I tend to act like a man sometimes. And no, it’s not penis envy. I have bad manners too, but they’re fucking mine.
  • As for my personal style . . . I love wearing men’s clothes and I do it all the time. My brother now locks his room, so you can find me happily gliding through the men’s section, grabbing the last available size, and pissing some guy off – like a boss. I love fashion but I am not obsessed with it – there are many things I’m more interested in. I make my own money and I can’t always afford to buy everything I like. Boohoo, I don’t care, because that’s how I started getting creative with styling my old clothes in new ways. Inversely, I can never wear the same outfit or dress twice and I shop every week. This is probably why I’m broke five days per month and can’t change that if my life depended on it. I binge drink and eat cake, cookies and chocolate for dinner – a few times per month. The day after I do that, I stay away from shorts, tight dresses and crop tops.
  • And with regards to trends, I will never pretend to like certain mainstream things just because they’re popular. These include, but are not limited to, the following: Slang, Kim Kardashian, Agent Provocateur, Nicki Minaj’s ass, the Celine luggage tote, Isabel Marant wedge sneakers, the French manicure, and 16 cm heels. This is not being a “hater” – this is me being “honest.”

So no, I am not perfect and I’m aware of it – but I’m real. I will not try conforming to anyone’s standards. I will not pretend to be anything I am not to make anyone like me. And I most certainly won’t pretend to be ideal in order to be idolized. I will always look up to people and learn from them. I will always have my idols and mentors, but I will always love and idolize myself first, last and most.

In a nutshell: enough Instagram filters, slimming apps, surgeries and shopping sprees. Relax. You have nothing to prove to anyone. Stop comparing your misfortunes to other people’s fortunes. You don’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes. No one is happy all the time. No one has the perfect marriage. No one looks good all the time. We all have cellulite; we all worry about how we look or how to hide that ugly pimple. We all have at least that one physical flaw we could definitely do without. We all want to be adored by that one guy. Despite everything, work on being the best you can be, according to your standards. And be thankful for everything. And don’t forget to wake up every morning and fall in love with yourself all over again because you’re fucking amazing. And when you finally love yourself enough, you’ll realize what life is all about:

You,

Because your life is yours.

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33 Things You Didn’t Know About Men

things you didnt know about men 1 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

I originally wrote and published this in March 2011. Much has changed since then; much hasn’t.. Enjoy!

1. Men don’t like snobs. And no, they don’t like snobby behavior either. Why? They interpret it as rejection and bad manners. Remember, there’s a big difference between having that sexy self-confidence and that turn-off, holier-than-thou attitude.

2. Men of quality will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl any day. There’s no point in dating a Gisele look-alike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, yes, your man will enjoy you being the biggest b**** in bed, but you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker look-alike girlfriend. For starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her. That’s not flattering for either of you.

3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or split ends or small breasts; and most importantly stop bringing attention to them. When a man really likes you, he’ll ignore your trivial bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms, armpits or upper lip, he’ll run away. If you have crooked, homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have bad breath that smells like a bird flew into your mouth and died, he’ll run away. And although some women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you smell bad, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like rotting onions that have been roasting under the sun for weeks!

5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mothers; but oddly enough, a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (think: Oedipus). So, if you feel his mom is an evil b****, it’s highly likely you’re an evil b**** as well. Embrace it instead of trying to pick at it. Why? Because men love their moms.

6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men can go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego. And we all know how big a man’s ego is, so don’t crap all over his dreams.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you. Not much has changed since kindergarten.  

7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, smile and be his co-pilot or partner in crime. Once again, mind the ego.

8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your beast and rock your world. Again, with the ego.

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9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl. It all comes down to that.

10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what?  . . .  never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being a stupid child. He will most likely jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . then hell may break loose. Remember that thing about the ego?

11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, when you tell a man you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then.”

12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, just a few months down the line, you could be begging him to meet your parents – and he’ll be refusing . . . this sh** tends to happen. A lot.

13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).

14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later.” When a girl says “yes,” he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me.” There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such a thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge; someone who’s been unattainable to the guys before him.

15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than women. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on.

16. It’s smart thinking to test a guy before you can believe and trust him, but make sure that doesn’t go on for too long. Distrust on the longterm is interpreted as low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is a big turn off for any man.

17. When a man has had a rough day, he’d rather be left alone to lick his wounds (caveman style). If you’re privileged enough, he will share his problems with you. Don’t nag, don’t philosophize, don’t give advice and don’t breathe. Just listen to him and be there for him. Be quiet for once.

18. Although they may not show it, it’s super f***ing hard for a guy to move on and let go of his girlfriend after a breakup; especially if they’ve been together for over 2 years.

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19. During Courtship:
If a girl really makes a guy suffer, it would be tremendously hard for him to let go of her.
Men are willing to do anything to capture the attention of a girl they really like.

20. If your relationship is serious, it is more likely that the man loves you more than you love him; so even if a man tells you he loves you once every 34 months, there’s no need slit your wrists. It still means he loves you. Instead, try focusing on his actions, not his words.

21. Never dig into your man’s personal belongings without asking first. Whether it’s his phone, laptop, sock drawer or anything that’s his; if you’re looking to find something bad, you definitely will – and honey, your prying nose ain’t gonna like it. We all have a history. Accept that he does too and focus on other more important things, like why you’re such an insecure and nosy little b****.

That being said . . .

22. Don’t open Pandora’s Box unless you’re ready to face the consequences. Also, if you snoop around, don’t tell him or he’ll a) lose respect for you or b) begin snooping through your phone every single day just to spite you.

23. Men hate it when their woman is wearing too much make up. Men also hate it when a woman’s hair is full-on coiffed with half a bottle of hairspray squirted into it. Men like to run their fingers through your soft hair without requiring a wrench to pull their hand out of your head. They also like to play with your face and kiss your cheeks without hearing “eeeeek! you’re ruining my make up!” men interpret excess make up as a) a clown at a circus or b) hooker in a brothel.

24. Even if they don’t admit it, men do not appreciate it when they buy you a 2,000 dollar gift then receive a 200 dollar gift from you. That spells: G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R! It also says you’re an ungrateful person who believes she is entitled to receiving without giving back. If you can’t afford buying him something close to that value, don’t accept his gift in the first place.

25. When you want to “teach” your man something, do it in private. In public, they must appear to know everything. On that note, never try to emasculate your man in front of his friends or family; he will hate you for that. His friends will hate you for that. His family will hate you for that. They will all encourage him to leave you. Unless he’s completely whipped, he will most likely, eventually leave you.

26. If a man says “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he forgot, it doesn’t mean he lost your number, it doesn’t mean he had a family emergency, and it doesn’t mean he’s lying dead in the hospital. It means he simply didn’t want to call you. Why? Who cares! Next!

27. Always be direct with a man. Never use mixed signals. If you want to get what you want, don’t say “yes” when you mean “no” or “go ahead” when you mean “stay” or “I don’t mind” when you mean “don’t you dare.” Be a woman, damn it, not a silly little girl.

28. Every man is a pedophile to some degree. A man loves it when his woman acts like a baby and he loves her timidity, innocence and purity. Don’t mistake these characteristics for being “naïve, stupid, ignorant, weak and dependent” – men hate that.

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29. Men love a sexy, sultry, elegant woman who turns people’s heads when she walks into a room. Sometimes though, men prefer it if you wore no make up, a T-shirt with jeans and sneakers, and tied your hair in a ponytail. Simplicity is also nice.

30. Most men don’t mind if you’re short. They will mind if you’re fat though. When a man tells you that you just need to “work out at the gym,” that’s his polite way of telling you “you need to lose weight!” But – no man likes a scrawny, boney, semi-anorexic, breastless, butt-less, curve-less skeleton either.

31. When threatening to “unleash your inner b****” to a man, you are not intimidating him at all. Instead, he is a) disgusted, b) secretly laughing at you, or c) possibly not even listening to your empty threats and growling. On that note, a man hates a woman that loses her composure. Shouting and screaming is a big no-no. If you want to get your point across, think Al Pacino from the Godfather part I (not part III): calm and terrifying.

32. Men hate women’s drunken dramatic alter egos. Whether it’s aggressive, emotional, out of control, or plain weird, they just hate it. They especially hate it when they have to watch you vomit while holding your hair back – that’s your best friend’s job – at 16. At 26? Not so much . . .

33. Fact: Married men tend to have a longer life expectancy than single men, but married men are the ones more willing to die.

 

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From Fairytales to Modern Dating – Who’s Exhausted?

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I recently watched the trailer for the upcoming “Maleficent” movie for the first time. For those of you that don’t know, “Maleficent” is an adaptation of “Sleeping Beauty,” which also happens to be my favorite fairytale of all time. Like almost every magical story I watched in the 90s, it revolves around a battle between good and evil: the wicked, jealous witch, the beautiful, helpless princess, and the handsome, brave prince that rescues her just in time for the same old “Happily Ever After” ending.

Girls of my generation grew up brainwashed by this scenario for the first quarter of their lives, only to wake up to the harsh reality that: the evil witch is sometimes the last person you could possibly think of, like your very best friend; and that prince charming doesn’t always turn out to be a prince, or a charming one for that matter; and most importantly, that “Happily Ever After” doesn’t exist – or at least isn’t handed to us on a silver platter. What follows is a new set of rules that we must all adapt to in order to avoid getting hurt. This brought about new trends in modern dating. Even modern day fairytales have had some adapting to do. They have become sarcastic, dark and usually involve the princess fighting her own battles, rescuing herself and engaging in witty dialogue and sharp comebacks with a sometimes not-so-charming prince. And that’s the stuff girls of the younger generation have been relating to – “Shrek” and those characters from “Tangled” – and so we bid farewell to the days of Fred Astaire and Prince Charming. But is that such a good idea?

Many of my regular readers will most certainly remember me ranting about fairytales and their lack of credibility; how they set our standards too high and make us too unrealistic. With my tail between my legs, I would like to retract much of what I said about this subject. By dismissing fairytales and coming to terms with reality, heartbreaks, disappointments, assholes, backstabbers and liars, most of us have become a cynical, jaded mess. With time and experience, many of us have become so damaged, we need an army of therapists to locate and put together our broken pieces that are scattered all over the place. We have built walls so high that it will require a prince with hundreds of soldiers on horses firing cannonballs to break through; and even after taking down those walls, we tend to stay on guard, waiting for the next incoming blow. Even boys weren’t such “jerks” back in high school. Back then, girls matured faster; we were taller, meaner and very intimidating to a bunch of scrawny boys in their awkward pubescent years. We traumatized them and many of us broke their hearts; they eventually had to put up walls too. We were all bound to start playing games.

That’s fine in high school; it’s also fine a decade after high school. And while one would think that by our late 20s we would all be tired of playing games, there’s a whole new ball game out there thanks to the mix-up of two generations of singles. Instead of the younger age group adapting to already existing rules that have been handed down to them, it’s the older crowd of singles that has had to adapt to a new and not-so-charming set of rules. And if you don’t know how to play the game, you’re out. When does it ever stop?

Some Trends in Modern Dating that – When Done in Excess – Are Killing it for Many of Us

I would like to note the following: Because I am biased and opinionated, and because I can, in my current state of mind, I fully blame all the horrors of modern dating on two factors: 1. New-gen girls who lack old school manners and weren’t beaten enough by their mothers; and 2. Social f***ing media and the empty, useless TV shows that are setting the standards for how people should think, act, talk and live.

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Texting versus Calling: There once was a time where a guy would ask for a girl’s number, and the only tact involved there was how many days it would take for him to dial it. There’s no harm in texting people. In fact, it’s fun. But nowadays, the social media jam has made dialogue close to impossible. Nowadays, you get a friend request on Facebook, wait for a “like” on your latest IG photo, check your Whatsapp timestamp, make sure your BBM message was read, expect calls on Viber, check for incoming texts on iMessage, make sure you’re online on Skype, refresh your Snapchat every few hours, and knock yourself out with any other app you’re using. During this massive mess, there’s very little time to make a phone call or to even notice a missed call. I refuse to succumb to this. I’m still very old fashioned. I pick up the phone and call people . . . when I’m not hyper-texting.

Hard to Get versus Hard to Find: With all of today’s social clutter and despite all the available social media, good luck getting a hold of someone. Gone are the days when a girl used to play hard to get, or when a guy came across as mysterious. Nowadays, you know everything about everyone, yet you need half a day just to get a hold of someone. By the time you do find them, you just don’t want to find them anymore. It’s become so normal for people to just magically disappear and reappear and it’s consequently become logical to just ignore their existence altogether.

Drinks at the Bar versus Romantic Dinners: Once upon a time, guys used to ask girls out on a date. It went a little like this, “would you like to have dinner with me?” He would then pick her up from her home and they would enjoy a good meal and fun conversation. Nowadays, a guy texts a girl, “meet me for drinks?” A lot of drunken dialogue is likely to take place, followed by some heavy petting. Both are likely to forget the evening’s events and discussions by the following morning. Lots of fun there – not so much bonding though. I must admit, we’ve all gotten used to this and it’s really not so bad – cocktails are always good.

Young couple celebrating with red wine at restaurant

Dating versus Mating: Doesn’t anyone want a relationship anymore? After three years of being off the dating scene, I’m shocked at how much things have changed. Most guys just want casual, convenient sex and run for the woods at the very mention of the word “commitment.” The f*** is wrong with you people?

Dear men: please try to understand that not every woman wants to marry you after two dates. Get your cocky head out of your ass and try to have a good time with a nice person while the opportunity still presents itself. As a result, many women nowadays have adapted to not wanting relationships either. It’s fine to date someone casually – not every relationship needs to be a serious one – but these days, even casual dating is freaking people out.

The Aggressive versus the Passive Approach: So, this is how I remember things going down. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy goes after girl – persistently – till he gets her. Now, boy likes girl and thinks to himself, “I have my whole life ahead of me. What’s the rush? There are plenty of fish in the sea.” While the guy is crossing prospects off his list, some girls respond to this by doing the chasing themselves, and guys are unfortunately getting too comfortable with this “agreement.” Is it the food we’re eating? Some hormones are clearly not functioning adequately anymore. Clearly.

“I’ll Pick You Up” versus “I’ll Meet You There”: I personally don’t mind this at all. Somewhere at 25, I had had enough of failed first dates and men that drove like the highway was a racetrack, so I decided it made more sense to always take my car. Not to mention, I’m an independent female – YOU MAY ALL BOW DOWN.

On the other hand, it wouldn’t hurt for the guy to offer to pick a girl up every now and then and make her feel a little girly. It also wouldn’t hurt if the girl says yes every once in a while and allow the man to feel a little manly.

Note to girls who were still breastfeeding when “Friends” was airing on TV: It isn’t offensive if a guy asks to pick you up. He isn’t insulting your mother’s method of raising you or trying to patronize your self-proclaimed independence. Technically, that’s impossible, since you’re years away from being close to independent. So, enjoy being pampered while it lasts.

Taking it Slow versus Unwillingness to Commit: Point is, everyone wants to take it slow these days; so slow, that we could actually be moving backwards. “Taking it slow,” of course, entails everything except ripping each other’s clothes off. It was confusing enough when we had to differentiate between “we are in a relationship,” and “we are dating” and “we are going out” and “we are seeing each other.” I mastered those back in 2011. Now, we also have “we are talking” and “we are sort of friends” and “we are getting to know each other” and “we are sexting.” S-T-F-U!

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Quality versus Quantity: Once again, thanks to social media, both men and women are a lot more exposed and are under the impression that they are highly desired by many, many other men and women. Umm, no – this is only an illusion. And if that were true, I refuse to tell my grandchildren, “I met your grandpa over the internet. He liked my sense of style and we bonded over YouTube videos.” No. Less is more people. Facebook and Instagram are not dating catalogues – especially if you’re already seeing someone.

The Bro Code Versus the Ho Code: I just love the new trend of pouncing on your friend’s ex. I would like to especially thank all the sleazy men out there with penis envy and most of the new age chicks that have made this delicious dream a reality. I will say nothing further on this matter because I may become hostile.

Chivalry versus Mockery: Men don’t open doors anymore, thanks to the little betches who mocked them, laughed at them or ignored their chivalrous attempts and took them for granted. These girls have made life that much more difficult for single women who were actually taught manners and how to appreciate them.

But here’s a little pick me up for you: when you’re past your puberty phase and actually encounter a few jerks, you will wish you weren’t such an ungrateful little betch. Guess who will open the door for your then? No one.

And with that, I end my two cents of a rant on modern dating.

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Whether we’re 20, 30 or 40, we’re all scared of getting hurt. Regardless of what fairytales we’ve watched, what hopes we’ve built up or which generation set which rules, we end up complicating everything because we’re afraid of repeating past mistakes or making new ones. Personally speaking, my relationships were a lot better – or easier – a decade ago. I was simpler. Yes I was more ignorant, but I was less demanding; yes I was more careless, but I was less cautious; yes I was more tolerant, but I was less jaded. Consequently, men were a lot more willing to take a chance on me; and they did. As I journeyed back to my childhood while listening to the “Sleeping Beauty” soundtrack (now known as “Maleficent,” of course), I couldn’t help but wonder: do we lose our colors the less we believe in magic? Maybe it isn’t our expression lines that we should be worried about. Maybe the real signs of aging are the scars we have on our soul. They are not as visible to the naked eye, but they are what make us skeptical; cynical; pessimistic. So, what’s the solution? Should there be a drinkable magic potion that could take us back to whoever we were before we got our fair share of life?

Yeah, that’s a bit far-fetched. But just in case you’ve been feeling a bit jaded lately, sick of playing games, or if you’re wondering why no one is willing to take a chance on you, ask yourself if you’ve been allowing yourself to take a chance on someone first. Maybe the recipe to that magic potion is a bit of amnesia and a whole lot of positive thinking. And maybe, just maybe, if you expect something good to happen for once, it will. In the midst of all our cynicism, maybe we should all watch a fairytale once in a while to remind us of how we felt during our age of innocence when we still believed they could come true; and how simpler and more beautiful it all was back then.

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You Are Not a Basic Bitch

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From the day women are born, we are programmed to believe that in order to fulfill our societal roles, we must one day either answer to a man, cater to a man or marry a man. The few women in history, who have rebelled against this fixed notion of patriarchal norms, have instead left a mark so big for themselves that they will be remembered eternally.

Whether it’s Jane Austen, Coco Chanel, Queen Elizabeth I, Frida Kahlo or Margaret Thatcher, the one thing all these powerful women had in common is that they wanted more for themselves. They saw things in an unconventional way and refused to succumb to what society wanted of them. All of them were criticized, insulted and ridiculed, but that never stopped them. They were each, in their own unique way, a force of nature.

Today we see modern examples of great women like Hilary Clinton, Lady Gaga, Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey and Beyoncé, who are successful, inspirational, independent, influential, beautiful and powerful. Because regardless of what century we’re in, and what society shoves down our throats, we are each born with an innate force to do something big with our lives. As children, none of us dreamed about hunting down a husband and catering to his needs as a goal. We dream of becoming doctors, performers, writers, astronauts, and prima ballerinas, until one day we lose our courage or become lazy and settle for the logical and practical route.

The above-mentioned women were crazy enough to believe they could change something in the world, and they did. Of course they wanted love – we all do – but that didn’t stop them from achieving their goals. I am not saying loving a man is wrong or that marriage is bad – on the contrary. I am thrilled for all women who are already happily married for the right reasons, and are dedicated to their families and raising their children the proper way. But, how many married women are miserable and regretting their decision everyday? I believe that it is a basic human need to love and be loved, and eventually procreate – but, it shouldn’t be at the expense of who you are and what you want to be – because at some point, whether you want to or not, you will feel melancholic.

I was supposed to wake up one day after 25 and realize that I was ready to settle down and have kids. Instead, I listened to my inner voice and decided I did in fact want to fall in love, have a loving, supportive partner and a child, after I accomplish certain personal achievements. And I am not planning on settling down or settling for anything in the meantime. The man I will fall in love with will understand my goals and not try to stop them from happening because love isn’t and shouldn’t be selfish. Just as I support my partner, he will support me. He will understand that I exist regardless of him and that I should do something about my existence. Married women should not forget this.

Forget what society taught you. Forget how it should be, what’s right and what’s wrong. Do you really want to go by the book and wake up jaded one day wondering where your dreams ran off? Focus on yourself. Focus on becoming the best version of yourself possible; whether it’s on a personal or professional level, and without you realizing it, the right person for you will fall into your life. Once you’ve covered your essentials, you will know the right qualities to look for in a man. That way, when you choose a partner to spend your life with, it will be for the right reasons. That way, when you do have kids, you will know the right lessons to teach them and how to raise them properly – because you are the best version of yourself.

Instead of using your wit and charm to hunt down a husband, try investing all that planning and effort into making your dream a reality, regardless of where you come from and how much money your family has to support you. Those factors shouldn’t even be obstacles, because most influential women in history came from very humble backgrounds and from towns most people have never heard of. It’s not enough to be a dreamer; you have to be a doer. You have a voice; be brave enough to make it heard no matter how many times life knocks you down.

I am writing this on International Women’s Day to remind all the ladies out there who are feeling jaded, weak, heartbroken or hopeless that at the very core, you are a force of nature that can only be discouraged or stopped by one person: you.

Wake up everyday remembering that you are important. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. You are not the weaker or inferior sex. In fact, you have the beauty, charm and intellect to bring the most powerful man to his knees. Use that to your advantage and pave your own path instead of obediently following in the footsteps of others.

As Marilyn once said, “Well behaved women rarely make history.”

In other words, don’t be a basic bitch.

Happy International Women’s Day! I am proud and privileged to be a woman!

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28 Years, 28 Lessons

young-couple-holding-hands

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a very vocal girl. I’ve given eccentric opinions and made unwelcomed statements even where they weren’t requested. This has led many other girls to believe that I hold infinite wisdom – which I do ;-D – and ask me for endless advice on countless topics, even when I don’t have a clue on what to answer. A friend of mine once asked me whether she should divorce her husband. Well, since I had never been married – like ever – I remember chewing on my food for what felt like a century, then told her, “Life’s too short. Do what makes you happy.” I was surprised at my response since I always thought I was anti-divorce and pro- “deal with your shit,” but I realized how much time had changed my perspective on many things. So, for any of you who think me to be the Buddha of “white girl problems,” I haven’t quite figured out how to stop body hair from growing, but here are 28 simple things I’ve learned in 28 complicated years:

  1. The only thing that should remain constant in your life is your happiness. If that means letting go of friends, relationships, jobs or even family ties, do it without warning. As I said above, life is too short for you to be unhappy.
  2. If you can love someone once, you will be able to love someone else again. Inversely, if someone loves you once, another person will love you too – and many more will as well. Don’t dwell on a lost love – that’s too much wasted energy. You will have many great loves in your lifetime. None of them will be the same, but one of them will stick.
  3. There’s no such thing as a lifetime friend. At each stage in your life, you will have a new best friend, someone who fits into whatever stage you’re at. You will have many friends and lose most of them. That’s normal. It’s called growing up.
  4. If you wake up miserable at 30 because you chose the wrong career, it’s fine. Go back to school and pursue what you love immediately. You are not the same person now that you were at 16 – and what does a 16-year-old know about making a lifelong decision anyway? It’s better to change your life at 30 and live the next half of it happily, than wake up at 60 filled with a lifetime of regrets.
  5. Tattoos come in odd numbers. If you have one tattoo, you’ll probably only have that one for the rest of your life. If you have two, you will most definitely get a third.
  6. Always let a boy kiss you first. Let him be the one pursuing you – always. That way, when you have him all to yourself, you will trust and know that he got there willingly. That way, he will appreciate what he finally got and treat you well accordingly. And remind yourself everyday to keep trusting him and his intentions. Insecurity is the reason for most failed relationships.
  7. Be with a guy that makes you laugh and you’ll never get bored of him. Everything else will fall into place. I had many more criteria when I was younger, but a good sense of humor is gold. At the end of the day, it’s what keeps the relationship alive.
  8. Travel a lot. Whether you believe you need to or not, travel. It will open your mind to new ideas and perspectives. It will change you; grow you.
  9. Invest in sunscreen, not in makeup and Botox. Younger girls these days think that looking like a proboscis monkey is sexy. It’s not – and neither are crow’s feet and wrinkles. I am 28 and I look younger than the 18-year-old madams sprouting up everywhere.
  10. There is no golden rule to relationships. Find the rhythm that suits you best instead of trying to force the norms of others into your lifestyle. No, you do not have to be married by a certain age. In fact, you do not have to be married at all. Point. If simply living with your partner and child makes you happy, do it. And if you do marry, never marry for love; and never marry for money. Marry when both elements are present, because one without the other is doomed to fail.
  11. There’s no such thing as platonic friendship between men and women, unless one of the two finds the other completely and irreversibly unattractive. If your friend likes you, chances are they probably won’t ever tell you how they feel – but they will show you.
  12. There are three traits that are absolutely unacceptable in both sexes: stinginess, bad hygiene and dishonesty. Everything else that’s horrible sprouts from those three evils, so stay away from people with any of those qualities.
  13. Always: wear matching underwear and shave your legs – not because you’re up all night to get lucky, but because it makes you feel sexy on a personal level, giving you that extra boost of confidence – just like wearing high heels.
  14. Never underestimate the power of a confident woman. There is nothing she can’t do. She doesn’t have to be the prettiest, smartest or the richest girl, but if she has confidence, she is captivating. But, do mind the thin line between confidence and arrogance. There is nothing more unsexy than arrogance; stay modest.
  15. At all times, be in control of two things: your happiness and your anger. If someone is responsible for your happiness, you will be too dependent on him or her because they take can that away from you at any time. If someone can make you angry, they are in control of your emotions. No one deserves to have that much power over you psychologically or mentally.
  16. I for one have learned that there are four people who will love me more than they love themselves: my father, mother, sister and brother. These are the only people I will ever owe my loyalty or organs to. Always remember that an unconditional love like that can’t be found any place else, until you have a child of your own.
  17. At every stage in your life, filter your friends until you have one small clique that is your type of crazy. You must be able to do and say anything in front of them without feeling ashamed about it later on. These are the only people you will ever willingly see, help or make an effort for. These are the only friends you will ever want or need to be around.
  18. There is no absolute truth or reality. There is, however, your perception. In any situation, at any given point, change your perspective and you will change your life. For example, you may perceive your country of origin as a barrier for you to work in the USA, or you could look at is as an added advantage. You could be posing naked and look more pure than a fully dressed girl in a white gown with her cleavage hanging out.
  19. Don’t let anyone tell you who you are or what you can or cannot do, not even your own parents or spouse. When someone is that determined to prove you wrong, it’s because they are fighting an internal conflict that has very little to do with your capabilities and very much to do with theirs.
  20. Never envy anyone. Jealousy is for the insecure. Instead of focusing on other people’s progress, focus on yours. High school girls compete with each other. Real women support each other.
  21. Take care of two things: your hair and your teeth. Nothing is sexier than a girl with full, healthy, shiny hair and a gorgeous bright smile.
  22. Not all big noses are ugly. In fact, they are sexy. If you have a big nose, embrace it. I’ve met many confident women with big noses and I must say, they were powerful and sometimes intimidating.
  23. If you like a masculine perfume, wear it. If you like your brother’s jeans, wear them. If you like your boyfriend’s shirt, wear it. There are no rules to these things, only uptight societies.
  24. Whether it’s in your career, attire or relationships – get inspired from people. Read about them, their lives and their achievements, but never copy them. Give yourself a chance to release your own creative force. Don’t tiptoe in someone else’s luster because you’re scared of trying something different.
  25. I read this yesterday, “If you’re the smartest person in a room, you are in the wrong room.” Always be around people you can learn from. They should be more accomplished, smarter or better than you at least one thing so that you can learn from them. Be around winners who motivate you to be at the top of your game. Most people you meet will change your life, whether it’s for the better or for the worse, so choose them wisely.
  26. Drink a lot of water, even if you need to force it down your throat. Keep little bottles with you everywhere. At the very core, water’s responsible for good skin, hair, health and all that jazz. Drinking it is the easiest, lamest thing you can do to stay healthy.
  27. Read as often as you can. It’s exercise for your brain. Work out as often as you can. It’s exercise for your body and soul. You may not understand the importance of these two for your well being, but in another two or three decades, you will be thankful.
  28. The best thing I’ve ever been called is “brave.” It’s the sexiest, most intriguing quality a person can possess. Whenever you face a new challenge, be brave. There will always be others who are more educated, wealthy or good looking than you, but the one who’s the bravest is always the last man standing. Anyone who’s ever made a difference in history has been brave.

Since I’m evidently not Buddha, and not here to cure world hunger, instead of writing about deep, life altering issues, I decided to write about basic little things that we could all apply in our everyday lives – little things that could create a ripple effect of big changes. Many may not agree with my unconventional thoughts, but that’s why they’re called opinions. All I know is, there is a majority of desensitized people out there just waiting to be inspired by someone. If you have the chance to inspire someone, do it. They will never forget you or how you made them feel.

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Dear Sl*ts of Lebanon…

Cheating-Guy-Woman-relationship-homewrecker

Disclaimer: This is a rant – my angriest one yet – although ironically, I’m not angry at all… But, I guess there’s no better way to write this than by presenting a “below the belt” public service announcement to a horrible genre of women who need to be disciplined. I will not be reciting phrases from the Bible, nor will I be promoting world peace. If you find foul language offensive, this is not the blog for you, and you may move along to greener pastures. And as always, to those of you who are insecure little haters, please feel free to write sweet insults to me in the comments section. 

In the past three years, I’ve blogged about anything and everything imaginable, except the “home-wrecking ho”. After countless get-togethers with my girls, their girls and their girls, I’ve come to notice how the concept of friendship among women is slowly diminishing as we get older, and is being replaced with competitiveness – especially where men are related. To explain my point further and with more accuracy, we were all able to agree on one common point: we are just about sick and f***ing tired of stupid b****es who are obsessed with finding a man at any cost that they will blatantly and shamefully take a shot at any attempt to break up a happy couple.

They will lurk around any given relationship and wait like vultures to pounce on the next available man. God forbid these desperate sl*ts actually try finding an already single guy to call their own – but no – it doesn’t work that way. These lazy b****es have no time to waste, and are only drawn to what’s tried and tested. They firmly believe that if Ms. X was happy with Mr. X, then he must really have something special going on – and of course, the desperate vulture will no longer be able to resist f***ing off until she gets her share. It’s even sadder when her attempts are unreciprocated, yet she will continue stalking and groveling after the same guy for months because yes, she is that desperate and undesired. We all know these silly hoes don’t pose a threat to anyone, but neither do flies – and guess what? Flies are swatted because they’re f***ing annoying!

BUT, if a man does fall for those antics and gets tempted to cheat, leave or “get some space,” you may thank whatever higher power you believe in for revealing that he’s not one of the few good ones, and not waste a second more of your time on such a lost cause.

On that note, the very reason why men are almost always eager to return to singlehood, is because they know they’ll have 1001 desperate sl*ts, with no notion of any moral code, ready to pounce on them and their joysticks. Since these men don’t possess an ounce of quality in their bones, quality certainly won’t be what they’re looking for, let alone appreciate.

We all know that there are girls you fall for and girls you just f***, but the latter is really making life difficult for the rest of us. Nice girls are absolutely sick and tired of trying to explain to a man that:

  • 3 AM phone calls from crying, whiny, clingy b****es is wrong, nay, abnormal;
  • An ex “friend with benefits” who you’ve “benefited” in the past few months is not a friend;
  • A girl sending swimsuit photos and winks is in fact a horny sl** that wants you to slap her around in bed;

And that,

  • A stranger you met 3 days ago at a bar is not planning on being “just friends.”

This is just borderline retarded…
Men who need these things explained to them are just retarded!

So, to the retarded men out there, we all know you’re not actually stupid, so stop pretending to be f***tards and give us a break every once in a while. We are very aware of how precious your ego is to you – but get over yourselves already. This is getting really old, really fast.

And to the sl*ts of Lebanon and the world, I would like to say this:

First of all, we all know a sl** when we see one. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. We also know about all your sad attempts and strategies and laugh about them.

Second of all, you all need to enforce a strict female version of the “Bros before Hoes” rule – we can call it “Sisters before Misters.” It doesn’t matter if you know the girl or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re a desperate piece of sh*t who hasn’t gotten laid in months. It also doesn’t matter if you’re old, ugly and on the verge of releasing your last fertile egg. It’s very simple – being a man-thief is a BIG no-no. Why? Because you wouldn’t want another ho trying to steal your man – it is pure common sense. When a man is fresh out of a relationship, at least one of two people is broken – what kind of disgusting person would want to plunge herself into that equation?

So, why am I so angry? Why now? Because 1) I finally have 3 free hours to make this world a better place; and because 2)  in my 13 years of dating experience, I have never given the time of day to one guy who is 1) taken, or 2) fresh out of a breakup. In fact, I have always encouraged them to give it another chance or at least give themselves some time alone. Any good woman with a conscience would do the same. Any woman who has ever experienced heartache or betrayal would never forget how that felt, and would never try to be the cause of that to another woman. All I know is, there is a special place in hell for women that don’t help out other women, and that thought makes me all f***ing warm inside.

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Trend Alert: Transvestites of Lebanon

maya-diab-horrible

Hello beautiful readers, it’s been a while! Amid my crazy fortnight of rush projects and last minute deadlines, and while my beloved Lebanon could be on the brink of (yet another) war, I found myself compelled to write about a phenomenon that tops every single event happening around me: Maya Diab.

Disclaimer: If you’re a diehard fan of this woman, please refrain from reading the rest of this post, or you may find your world shaken and yourself insulted (for whatever trivial reasons you have). If you do choose to continue reading in order to rain on me with insults in the comments section, please do so by all means; I’m already tingling with excitement, and made this very long on purpose for those who consider that Googling a daily quote is “reading.”

Lebanese and Arab people out there most likely know who this “woman” is, but just in case you’re deliciously from a more distant land, Maya Diab is a Lebanese “celebrity” who started out her career as a model and “singer” in a female group called “The Four Cats” *LOL* — and was once upon a time, human. Just to be clear, Maya can’t sing – not even if the fate of planet earth depended on it. In fact, an upcoming alien invasion could happen because of the sound waves she has disseminated into space. As a name, “The Four Cats” was spot on; when these girls sang, it was like cats getting raped during mating season. This girl band (or whatever) only required the four pussycats to 1) look good, and 2) attempt to dance — picture two epileptic snakes and two drunken orangutans onstage. I must admit though — despite not having one talented bone in her body, with only one rhinoplasty under her belt at that time, she used to be quite a hottie. Now, not so much…

Those who know me are aware of the fact that I almost never watch local TV, unless I’m requested to or required to, because of the IQ-dropping programs on these channels. For instance, our dear Maya apparently hosted a TV show where random people or celebrities sang karaoke. I don’t think I ever watched it; I kept trying to convince myself that it could add some sort of value to my evenings, but counting the hairs in my nose would have been a more entertaining pastime. She then participated in a new TV show called “Splash,” which I believe to be the stupidest, biggest waste of airspace – in the world – in the past century.
(If any of the show’s producers read this and feel offended, I just wanted to say that I’m glad to be the one offending you . . . it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!)

Splash - where Maya where's more clothes in the swimming pool than she does onstage ..

Splash – where Maya wears more clothes in the swimming pool than she does onstage ..

So, that’s Maya in a nutshell.

The last I had seen of her till now was at a hair salon I used to go to, where the then-preggers Maya would abuse the UV sun bed for 45 minutes every other day. I was certain she was an alien from a very distant galaxy, engaging in what must have been a prenatal ritual to adapt her fetus to our climate — think of a chicken sitting on its egg. To top that off, she would endure hours and hours of highlighting her hair, then putting on – not one – but three hair extensions. YIKES! Now that’s dedication!

Transvestites of the world, you better keep an eye out for this chick! Use her as inspiration so that one day you may be able to pull off the “drag queen look” as well as she does.

Thanks to Instagram (my newest obsession), after years of not seeing this beast, I came across certain accounts that post photos of Maya, the “style icon.” Now since I’m not one to mind my own business and remain idle about anything, this is where I must intervene. To all you men, fashion bloggers, women and children out there who find this thing attractive, I must ask you this, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU THINKING?

The worst is that she is being used as a style reference point! Oh sweet lord, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore! *weep* There are even tutorials on “how to do the Maya Diab makeup.”

Oh sweet Lord...

Oh sweet Lord…

*silence*

Sorry to burst your bubble, Maya, but…

..You will never be Rihanna...

..You will never be Rihanna…

..Or Angelina...

..Or Angelina…

...Or a Fashion Icon...like Ever!

Or a Style Icon…like EVER! (and reg. the hashtags, yes, of course she’s glowing — she looks like a cross between a Phoenix and a Minotaur that was set on fire…

So, in an attempt to stop hating and start participating, I decided to write my very own Maya Manual, right now.

How to look like a Drag Queen Maya Diab in 5 Easy Steps

  • Just in case you haven’t had 84 hours to tan this week, buy 6 bottles of tanning spray (shade: carrot), and proceed to empty them savagely and furiously all over your body. Leave nothing unsprayed. Once you’re done with the obvious places, spray some carrot orange on the base of your feet, behind your ears, and on your palms. You must aim to convince the world that you were born a tanned Brazilian beauty with this enviable “natural” glow. Once you’ve finished, make sure to turn all the lights off and look at yourself in the mirror. Are your eyeballs glowing in the dark? Are you unable to see the rest of your body? Good. You now have the Maya Diab “tan.”
Carrot Orange is the new black

Carrot Orange is the new black

  • Maya knows it’s all in the eyebrows. How do you think she has all that sex appeal? The look you’re going to aim for here is very critical, so you must use the right subjects for inspiration — just like Maya did. Think: Burt from the Sesame Street or the late Rafic Hariri (God rest his soul). What do these two have in common? The eyebrows. What do we remember about them long after they’re gone? Eyebrows. Watch and learn b****es, because Maya discovered this secret long before any of us did: in order to penetrate a person’s soul, lock their stare and captivate their minds, your eyebrows must speak to them. They should be an entity of their own, with their very own solar system. That’s the massiveness you should be aiming for. Let’s start by running a test. Stand in front of a mirror. Measure your eyebrow to forehead ratio. Which one is larger? Your forehead? F***ing amateurs! Now go buy a paintbrush, because your little insufficient makeup brushes won’t do the trick. Dip your paint brush into grayish brown eye shadow, because black is so 1998 and you want Maya’s “naturally blonde eyebrows.” Paint your entire forehead with it — not the middle of course, silly, you don’t want a unibrow here; you simply want to transform your forehead to a browhead. Once you’re done, reach into your jar of hair gel, and apply some to your actual eyebrow hairs. That way, they will stick right out of your forehead like spikes (which are so in, like OMG!) and emphasize the fact that your eyebrows have a natural, untouched hairy look.
Oh yes, they're unique alright! (Kudos to whoever wrote these hashtags. Pure comedy)

Oh yes, they’re unique alright! (Kudos to whoever wrote these hashtags. Pure comedy)

  • Your clothes have to make a statement, a statement so loud that the gods in the heavens can hear them and strike you with lightning. What do you get when you cross a flamingo with a disco ball? Your next outfit (you may refer to the minotaur/phoenix outfit above). That’ll place you at the very top of the fashion icon list. More is more. Make sure that each of your outfits contains all of the following elements: sheer, feathers, sequins, side-boob, plunging neckline, backless, side slit, frontal slit, Angelina-thigh, sky-high shoulder pads and lots of colors. Now that’s a dress! Make sure that people need to wear dark shades in order to look at you for more than 2 seconds. You must look like a drag queen that tripped, fell unto some glue, then rolled around Wonderland or Oz. Are we done yet? No. Make sure you only wear Louboutins – and the sky high ones too. Not to worry, by the time you’re the next fashion icon, good old Christian will be dying to become your next best friend. You can then ask him to create a Loubi for you and call it: The Hooker-High Heel. It will be something women everywhere will be able to wear and plunge to their death from. Jumping off a cliff is so 1800’s.

    Hello, Bigfoot...

    Hello, Bigfoot…

  • Does your hair still have a natural shine? Can you still work your fingers through it? Tsk, tsk… Make sure you buy three hair extensions made out of lion hair. Backcomb all three with your natural hair – don’t worry, soon enough none your real tassels will be left. Empty an entire can of hairspray on your backcombed hair. Backcomb it some more. Let there be HAIR! Add lots of volume till you become a cast member from the Coneheads movie, or a Troll doll. Did you know that Maya has her very own Barbie Doll? Maya en miniature? Did you know that Maya looks even more plastic than her Mini-Maya? Don’t you think that is a sign of flawless beauty? Don’t you want your own doll too? Then don’t complain that your heavy hair is causing you neck pain, or that your head can’t reach the pillow at night. Fabulousness comes at a price. In this case, it’s everything that makes you a woman; so accept it, let go, and embrace being the new It Girl.
I don't want to life on a planet where this is considered "normal"

I don’t want to live on a planet where this is considered “normal”

  • Rule of thumb: why wear makeup if it’s not obvious to everyone? First of all, that would be such a waste of money. Second of all, how would you be able to deserve the title of “natural beauty?” Make sure to give yourself a deep, dark and penetrating glare. This has nothing to do with your soul, but everything to do with what brand of eyeliner you’re using. I suggest you buy that Egyptian Kohl, or whatever it’s called, and attack your eyes with it. ATTACK! The trick is not to discreetly outline your eye, but to retrace your eyeliner nine times; one for each circle of hell. The result should be dramatic enough to make men, women and children weak in the knees…the same way Frankenstein did. If you want to be a legend, you better start acting like one. Use the following legendary creatures as inspiration: The Hulk, Bigfoot, King Kong, Godzilla, Lucifer himself/herself, and the Medusa. Get it? Got it? Good. Now to bring out that hypnotizing orange glow, add some bronzer to your face and neck. By “some,” I mean the bronzer should last you three applications tops.
Scary stuff...

Scary stuff…

Now that you look like an Extra from a zombie apocalypse movie, you can pat yourself on the back. You’re now a ravishing she-male, a lion, a beast.

Meet Maya's Doppelganger. This made my DAY!!!

Meet Maya’s Doppelganger. This made my DAY!!!

As trivial as my new blog post may sound, what really saddens me isn’t Maya the Lion itself, but the fact that young girls are using this woman (and many in her category) as a reference for how to look and behave. What’s more baffling is the men that find her sexy, which pushes women to dress and behave like her to get their attention (although I’m convinced that men who find her hot are closet homosexuals dying to jump some dude’s bones – and Maya ,or Mario, is as close as it gets). I really advise these people to get out of their ignorance bubble and see the world. In self-actualized countries, big noses are sexy; so are small breasts and whatever imperfections girls have become obsessed with hiding. Ten years ago, I was dying to get a nose job. My mother beat the crap out of me and threatened to break my new nose if I ever got one. I then wanted to enlarge my breasts. Same child abuse happened. She then explained to me that I can’t get by on my looks forever, and need to invest in my insides, or else I’d be a boring, unattractive has-been by the time I’m forty. Thank you mom; you and your generation were the last of the good ones. Today, I take pride in my nose’s unique shape because it makes me stand out. It gives me character. In Lebanon, it’s considered big, but when I’m walking down Park Avenue in New York, my nose is tiny because most women there chose to embrace their unique imperfections, and that’s what makes them perfect in their own way – and it’s sexy as heck!

As for the dresscode, seriously people, tone it down a notch. Wearing your entire closet doesn’t make you stylish; it makes you a hot mess. When I wear an LV bag in Beirut, I look like a peasant compared to the 18-year-olds with Birkins. Inversely, when I wear anything that obvious in NY, I look and feel like a showoff. It’s pretty ironic since people there are more confident, self-actualized and accomplished than most women here can ever dream of being. Those women who are sporting a curved nose and a $300 Michael Kors bag actually read a book from time to time and have something interesting to talk about. They have character. They don’t need a $10,000 bag, a $3000 nose job and a $5000 disco ball dress to make them look or feel appealing. There are some amazing women here, many who I know and many more who I only know of; but they are the minority. They’re not just impressive to a small clique of people; they turn heads everywhere they go in the world. These are the ones who should be looked up to.

I love glitz and glamour as much as the next girl, but there’s more to life. Boy do I miss having an interesting conversation with people who have their head screwed on tightly. I miss people who are actually good at doing something other than trying to look good all the time; people who have a hobby. I miss real people, real hair, real freckles, real eyebrows and real noses; and I’m blaming the media, plastic surgeons (like that douche bag Nader Saab) and transvestites like Maya Diab who are at the forefront, shaping and corrupting people’s opinions and habits. Don’t get me wrong; always look your best on the outside, but let’s not forget that what’s inside needs work as well.

I would like to end this newspaper with a shout-out to all the real people out there: Kudos to you, for making it this far with enough structure, substance and confidence not to conform to cheap and ignorant standards.

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