Tag Archives: Honesty

33 Things You Didn’t Know About Men

things you didnt know about men 1 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

I originally wrote and published this in March 2011. Much has changed since then; much hasn’t.. Enjoy!

1. Men don’t like snobs. And no, they don’t like snobby behavior either. Why? They interpret it as rejection and bad manners. Remember, there’s a big difference between having that sexy self-confidence and that turn-off, holier-than-thou attitude.

2. Men of quality will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl any day. There’s no point in dating a Gisele look-alike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, yes, your man will enjoy you being the biggest b**** in bed, but you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker look-alike girlfriend. For starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her. That’s not flattering for either of you.

3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or split ends or small breasts; and most importantly stop bringing attention to them. When a man really likes you, he’ll ignore your trivial bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms, armpits or upper lip, he’ll run away. If you have crooked, homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have bad breath that smells like a bird flew into your mouth and died, he’ll run away. And although some women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you smell bad, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like rotting onions that have been roasting under the sun for weeks!

5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mothers; but oddly enough, a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (think: Oedipus). So, if you feel his mom is an evil b****, it’s highly likely you’re an evil b**** as well. Embrace it instead of trying to pick at it. Why? Because men love their moms.

6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men can go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego. And we all know how big a man’s ego is, so don’t crap all over his dreams.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you. Not much has changed since kindergarten.  

7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, smile and be his co-pilot or partner in crime. Once again, mind the ego.

8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your beast and rock your world. Again, with the ego.

things you didnt know about men 2 300x224 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl. It all comes down to that.

10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what?  . . .  never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being a stupid child. He will most likely jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . then hell may break loose. Remember that thing about the ego?

11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, when you tell a man you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then.”

12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, just a few months down the line, you could be begging him to meet your parents – and he’ll be refusing . . . this sh** tends to happen. A lot.

13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).

14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later.” When a girl says “yes,” he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me.” There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such a thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge; someone who’s been unattainable to the guys before him.

15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than women. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on.

16. It’s smart thinking to test a guy before you can believe and trust him, but make sure that doesn’t go on for too long. Distrust on the longterm is interpreted as low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is a big turn off for any man.

17. When a man has had a rough day, he’d rather be left alone to lick his wounds (caveman style). If you’re privileged enough, he will share his problems with you. Don’t nag, don’t philosophize, don’t give advice and don’t breathe. Just listen to him and be there for him. Be quiet for once.

18. Although they may not show it, it’s super f***ing hard for a guy to move on and let go of his girlfriend after a breakup; especially if they’ve been together for over 2 years.

things you didnt know about men 3 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

19. During Courtship:
If a girl really makes a guy suffer, it would be tremendously hard for him to let go of her.
Men are willing to do anything to capture the attention of a girl they really like.

20. If your relationship is serious, it is more likely that the man loves you more than you love him; so even if a man tells you he loves you once every 34 months, there’s no need slit your wrists. It still means he loves you. Instead, try focusing on his actions, not his words.

21. Never dig into your man’s personal belongings without asking first. Whether it’s his phone, laptop, sock drawer or anything that’s his; if you’re looking to find something bad, you definitely will – and honey, your prying nose ain’t gonna like it. We all have a history. Accept that he does too and focus on other more important things, like why you’re such an insecure and nosy little b****.

That being said . . .

22. Don’t open Pandora’s Box unless you’re ready to face the consequences. Also, if you snoop around, don’t tell him or he’ll a) lose respect for you or b) begin snooping through your phone every single day just to spite you.

23. Men hate it when their woman is wearing too much make up. Men also hate it when a woman’s hair is full-on coiffed with half a bottle of hairspray squirted into it. Men like to run their fingers through your soft hair without requiring a wrench to pull their hand out of your head. They also like to play with your face and kiss your cheeks without hearing “eeeeek! you’re ruining my make up!” men interpret excess make up as a) a clown at a circus or b) hooker in a brothel.

24. Even if they don’t admit it, men do not appreciate it when they buy you a 2,000 dollar gift then receive a 200 dollar gift from you. That spells: G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R! It also says you’re an ungrateful person who believes she is entitled to receiving without giving back. If you can’t afford buying him something close to that value, don’t accept his gift in the first place.

25. When you want to “teach” your man something, do it in private. In public, they must appear to know everything. On that note, never try to emasculate your man in front of his friends or family; he will hate you for that. His friends will hate you for that. His family will hate you for that. They will all encourage him to leave you. Unless he’s completely whipped, he will most likely, eventually leave you.

26. If a man says “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he forgot, it doesn’t mean he lost your number, it doesn’t mean he had a family emergency, and it doesn’t mean he’s lying dead in the hospital. It means he simply didn’t want to call you. Why? Who cares! Next!

27. Always be direct with a man. Never use mixed signals. If you want to get what you want, don’t say “yes” when you mean “no” or “go ahead” when you mean “stay” or “I don’t mind” when you mean “don’t you dare.” Be a woman, damn it, not a silly little girl.

28. Every man is a pedophile to some degree. A man loves it when his woman acts like a baby and he loves her timidity, innocence and purity. Don’t mistake these characteristics for being “naïve, stupid, ignorant, weak and dependent” – men hate that.

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29. Men love a sexy, sultry, elegant woman who turns people’s heads when she walks into a room. Sometimes though, men prefer it if you wore no make up, a T-shirt with jeans and sneakers, and tied your hair in a ponytail. Simplicity is also nice.

30. Most men don’t mind if you’re short. They will mind if you’re fat though. When a man tells you that you just need to “work out at the gym,” that’s his polite way of telling you “you need to lose weight!” But – no man likes a scrawny, boney, semi-anorexic, breastless, butt-less, curve-less skeleton either.

31. When threatening to “unleash your inner b****” to a man, you are not intimidating him at all. Instead, he is a) disgusted, b) secretly laughing at you, or c) possibly not even listening to your empty threats and growling. On that note, a man hates a woman that loses her composure. Shouting and screaming is a big no-no. If you want to get your point across, think Al Pacino from the Godfather part I (not part III): calm and terrifying.

32. Men hate women’s drunken dramatic alter egos. Whether it’s aggressive, emotional, out of control, or plain weird, they just hate it. They especially hate it when they have to watch you vomit while holding your hair back – that’s your best friend’s job – at 16. At 26? Not so much . . .

33. Fact: Married men tend to have a longer life expectancy than single men, but married men are the ones more willing to die.

 

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Women’s Nine Deadly Words

angry woman relationship La Wlooo!!!...Womens Nine Deadly Words

In dire need of humor while procrastinating at work, I found myself browsing through thechive.com where I found something interesting about the deadly words that women say to men. The problem is, women are very expressive. We can talk for hours; talk and talk till we’re all talked out, and the more we talk the less men listen. When we are really in one of those moods, we are very brief and limit our self-expression to two words or less – just like men – except what we say is rarely ever what we mean. Men still don’t understand this because they are simple and direct.
I’d like to add my two cents to the nine deadly words I came across today, in hopes that I may contribute in facilitating the communication process between simple men and their complex women.

Fine: When a woman tells you “I’m fine” after you’ve ticked her off, be sure that in her head she’s already killed you 5 times. She is anything but fine. She is furious. She still wants to argue and she wants to make sure that you’re as crushed as she is before she feels fine.
Similarly, if you’ve made plans for a romantic getaway and decide to cancel last minute because you have some work to finish up or because your friend is flying into town, you will ask her if it’s okay that she stays home and she will respond with “fine”. You may kiss her on the forehead and hug her for being so supportive, but she’s not. You better find a way to make it up to her very fast or she will unleash all hell’s fury on you after her long talking hiatus.

Five Minutes: You’re going out for dinner. You reach her place and wait for her in the car to finish getting dressed. She tells you she needs five minutes. It means she probably just got out of the shower and is still drying her hair. Even if she’s ready and fully dressed, it’ll take her a while to stare at herself in the mirror, pick at her split ends, adjust her cleavage, re-think her choice of shoes, make sure her dress isn’t too long or too short and examine her butt for a good five minutes alone. This means, when she says “I need five minutes” you can safely conclude that she needs 20 to 40 more minutes.
Learn it, live it, love it.
Some men have made the mistake of leaving the girl’s house after a 10 minute wait to teach her a lesson. That is called “playing with fire.” She will snap at you with accusations of how you’re discourteous, inconsiderate and offensive (regardless of her making you wait half an hour). Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she will be the victim of disrespect no matter what.

Nothing: You know that something is wrong; you feel it in your bones. You must have done or said something that really pissed her off. This usually occurs in a public setting or at least in the presence of a third person. You ask her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing.” Usually “nothing” is followed by silence and if she acknowledges your presence, it’s usually with a very cold stare. The longer the silence, the bigger the argument. Prepare yourself. There’s usually no way out of this. If you choose to accept that nothing is wrong, she will find a way to blow it out of proportion and label you as insensitive and ignorant. If you keep asking, be ready to accept that you’ve done something wrong although you’ll be called an idiot for not know what your mistake was.

Go Ahead: She is not giving you her consent, she is testing you. If you want to do something like have dinner with your ex-girlfriend or go somewhere like a strip club with your friends, she’ll tell you “go ahead.” What she really means though is “don’t you f***ing dare!”
Of course, you will end up going. Be prepared to receive the cold shoulder for hours, maybe days. Expect for her to go on a girls’ night out and return home drunk at 5 am. If you express your disappointment towards her behavior, she’ll accuse you of having double standards. If you act indifferent about it, she’ll keep poking at you till you explode. Either way, you’re going to suffer till you repent.

Loud Sigh: This is usually expressed when there are no words for her to convey how much of a douche bag she thinks you are. In her head there are hundreds of insults flying around, all directed at you. The long sigh embodies the 685 insults in a graceful manner. This can happen at the beginning or ending of an argument when she realizes, “what am I doing with this idiot?”Of course since you’re oblivious to what this sigh really means, you’re only confirming to her that you are indeed, an idiot.

That’s Okay: You admit to doing something wrong, like lying to her. With a kind and understand smile she says, “That’s okay.” This is a code red. If you look hard enough you’ll notice the redness begin to form in her eyes and the veins starting to pop out of her neck. Days and weeks may pass before you realize that she has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get her revenge. Always remember that a woman can never be this calm when you do something to piss her off, and the natural balance of the universe will not be restored she releases the wrath of hell upon you.

Thanks: This can be genuine and sincere. Be warned of the undertone because there’s a thin line between sincerity and sarcasm. If she emphasizes her thank you, “Thanks a lot” you better know that she wants to murder you. The worst thing you can do at this point is say, “You’re welcome.” In this case, you’re either stupid, pretending to be stupid or just a full-fledged idiot. Either way, you’re not getting a “get out of jail free” card. She will make you suffer.

Whatever: This is the crème de la crème of the deadly words. When a woman says this, it means she can’t be bothered to argue. When a woman reaches the point where she finds it useless to get angry or nag or argue or prove a point or solve a problem, it means your stupidity has killed every last ounce of passion in the relationship. Of course, she will still hope that you get raped by a herd of mad goats, stomped by them, and then grovel in the dirt till you get second degree burns from the sun until you rot.

Don’t worry, I got it: This comes after she has asked you to do something several times, but ends up doing it herself. Of course, she will then give you the cold shoulder after which you’ll ask her what’s wrong. She’ll say “nothing” followed by an argument, followed by a “that’s okay” followed by a loud sigh after which you’ll do something to make up for it, to which she’ll say “thanks”. Whatever you do, her mindset will be “too little, too late.”

I’m not saying women are melodramatic beings who hold grudges and seek revenge because we’re operated by malevolence. I’m also not saying men are ignorant buffoons that wouldn’t know right from wrong if it hit them on the head. I’m just surprised we can get along at all, but it’s our differences that make it all so fascinating.

“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” Oscar Wilde

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La Wlooo!!!…The Backstabbing B**** Friend

backstabbing friend e1313497055636 La Wlooo!!!...The Backstabbing B**** Friend

Today, a beautiful, smart, and sweet friend of mine asked me the following question, “How do you deal with a backstabbing best friend?” As I thought to myself, “Why would anyone stab her in the back?  She’s an amazing person,” I then realized that because she is an amazing person, she becomes a target for envy.
Self help books tell you all about how to “confront, listen, accept, and forgive”. In other words, “When your dear friend lies to you, badmouths you, and sticks her knife five inches into your back, you must smile, understand her, hug her, and forgive her . . . be even nicer than you were before so that her envious nature doesn’t get the best of her again.”
Whatever!
I say: when garbage starts to stink, throw it out!

What is the profile of a backstabber?
The backstabber is a coward; a non-confrontational person that loves to hate you and hates to love you. As this intelligent quote says, Backstabbers are passive-aggressive. Confrontation to a backstabber is like sunlight to a vampire. So when they’re threatened, they lash out sneakily.”
The backstabber studies how you talk, dress, act, live . . . and tries to do the same. Of course, she fails at it miserably. When she realizes she can’t reach to your level, she tries bringing you down to hers. By saying bad things about others, the backstabber feels better about herself. The bigger the stab, the closer the friend. It’s all emotionally connected.

Why is backstabbing more common among women?
As I said, it’s all emotionally connected; women being the more emotional species. Men and women come from two different schools of thought. One guy can be angry at another. They can verbally attack each other for a bit (confrontation), followed by a fist fight (more confrontation), and all will be resolved. They will either get over it like nothing happened or go their separate ways. Why? Because men are simple. They have no time to scheme and hover around a “frenemy” like a vulture, waiting for the right moment to attack. They don’t have the energy for that like women do. Funny enough, men are insulted everyday for being dogs . . . but women forget to what degree they can be b****es.

Why do people backstab?
It’s simple: because they have low self-esteem, they are envious, vindictive, angry, passive aggressive . . . The list goes on. These negative personality traits are usually masked with a smiley face and a helpful, supportive attitude (always fake of course); because a dog knows it can’t mess with a lion. But, when the lion falls, that’s when its enemy attacks. Every person wants to shine above everyone else. Once in a while, someone shines brighter than them. A mature and confident person can accept this and learn from that person, whereas a lowlife backstabber will grow resentful and most importantly, envious.

Rule of Thumb: A backstabber is consumed by one emotion above all: envy.
You could be better-looking, smarter, and wealthier; you could have more friends or a more interesting life or a better job – maybe you take all the attention away from her. And for the crème de la crème, the man she likes, likes you. There is always something you have that she wants.

How to Identify and Deal with a Backstabbing “Friend”:

  1. Make sure that your friend is indeed doing you wrong.
    You can try finding out from multiple friends before confronting her directly. Bear in mind that the story can always be changed or exaggerated. Take into consideration how many people you heard it from. One person could be a liar . . . on the other hand; three people can mean that your friend is a stinky weasel.
  2. Take action.

·         If she is making fun of your sense of style or your hairstyle or the way you chew gum or laugh, it means she is insecure, sad, and pathetic. In this case, feel sorry for her and return the favor by showing your sympathy to her in front of your common friends. You can then all form a pity parade in her honor and she will end up looking and feeling like that sad soul that she is.  

·         On the other hand, if she is trying to ruin your image by spreading dirty, false rumors about you, confront the b****. Under no circumstance should you accept such a person in your life; her existence is merely a nuisance, and you need to put her where she belongs: in the garbage. Give her a piece of your mind in a smart, dignified, and classy way. Of course, being dignified doesn’t mean being naïve, so don’t hold back on being as sarcastic, hurtful, blunt, and mean as possible. Since a backstabber has so many character flaws that are obvious to everyone, call her out on them. It could be her big nose, her fat ass, or that guy she is in love with that tried getting your number several times. It could be that gorgeous pair of shoes you have that she couldn’t afford to buy. There is no limit to how mean you can be or how low you can go. Since a backstabber tries so hard to conceal her insecurities by badmouthing others, she will surprisingly be shocked that you are aware of her insecurities. By calling her out on them, you are giving her the biggest blow to her ego. After that, she is guaranteed to stare at the floor every time you walk past her.

  1. In both cases, proceed with distancing yourself from the weasel. There’s no point in keeping negative energy around you. If you accept this kind of disrespect, it becomes your choice and your responsibility; which means you’ll have no right to complain about being backstabbed anymore. If you both happen to be at the same place, make it as uncomfortable for her as possible. How? By having a blast, by stealing away all the attention, and by not even acknowledging her measly existence. The best part is that this all comes to you naturally, whereas she has to work so hard at it; which is why she’s the hater that she is.
  2. If you’re keen on revenge, wait for the right opportunity. If you can’t find one, move on and let karma do the dirty work. Don’t waste your energy on such an insignificant being unless you have the perfect recipe for a scheme.

How Can You Avoid Backstabbing Friends?
Choose your friends wisely! Always remember, it’s not the quantity of friends that matters, it’s the quality. Whether they are more or less privileged than you are, make sure they have enough substance, character, and self-confidence not to let it affect them (and vice versa).
Make honesty a priority. If anything bothers you about your friend, confront her on the spot – and vice versa.

How to Identify and Deal With a Backstabbing Coworker:

  1. This happens a lot, and although it is also unacceptable, it’s understandable. This sad person is obsessed with advancing in life, to the extent that they want to eliminate all “competition” because they are so insecure to the extent that they believe they can’t make it to the top without sabotaging everyone else. They simply don’t believe in themselves.
  2. Beware of the coworker that’s too nice, too helpful, or too gossipy. Also watch out for the coworker that is super nice to you in private, yet always tries to make you look bad in the presence of others. Beware of the brown noser.
    You are at work to build contacts, gain experience, and make money. It is not a place to build life-long friendships. I’m sure you have enough friends in your personal life.
  3. Even if you’re sure you’re being backstabbed at work, never take action without proof. Keep your work and emails documented.
  4. Work is work. There is no room here for emotions and holding grudges. If your coworker is a backstabber, distance yourself and only interact with them on a professional level. You cannot deal with them as you would with a backstabbing friend.

Backstabbing friends are inevitable. It may hurt at first, but once you remove these peasants from your life, you feel liberated. It’s happened with me three times already in the past year. I don’t even get surprised anymore, I get flattered. If you’ve been backstabbed, you should be flattered too that a person out there was so intimidated by you that she tried so hard to bring you down to her level. While she is the last thing on your mind, you are the main thing on hers. Always remember, the best revenge is continuing to do what pisses people off, regardless of their envious gossip. While you’re dancing for joy, she’s squirming with envy.

“True friends stab you in the front.” Oscar Wilde

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The Superglue Ex-Girlfriend

One thing I will never understand is how some women can stoop lower than dirt just to get some male attention. The worst of these are the Ex-Girlfriends, especially when they are YOUR man’s ex. Whether it’s your boyfriend, Fiancé, or husband, I am sure he has (or had) an Ex-girlfriend that manages to cling to him like superglue. It is sad because you question the purpose of her existence, apart from harassing you and your man. It is annoying because she is so thick-headed, she can’t seem to understand when to f*** off. It is pathetic because you can’t help but feel pity for such a stupid and weak creature. It is funny because you and your man can laugh about her clinginess for hours while she is still holding on to an unrealistic inkling of hope.

I will demonstrate a few scenarios that my girlfriends and I have experienced with the psychotic, drama queen, Ex-girlfriends of our men.

The Drunken Dialer: She will go out with some friends, try to enjoy her night as she realizes that she is a lonely desperate soul in need of a man’s attention. She refuses to acknowledge the idea that “her” man is no longer hers, but is in fact in love with another woman; and thus the psychopath b**** ex-girlfriend drunk dials your man’s number  at a very late hour:
OOOHHHHHHHH *sob* *weep* *sniffle*!!! I miss you so muchhhhh!! Why did you leave me, WHYYY? Why don’t you love me anymore?? I can’t stop thinking about you!! We are meant to be together! I LOVE YOUUUUUU!!! *cough* *roar* *grunt* Why are you with that b****???? What does she have that I don’t?!?!”

…Freak…

At this point, neither you nor your man can believe how pathetic, stupid, and sad this girl is and while you are seriously considering kicking her ass, your man must call or text her and say the following (no matter how blunt or hurtful it may sound):
“Please do not call me in the future if you plan on making a fool of yourself. I cannot tolerate this clingy, pathetic behavior and I would prefer not to lose all my respect for you. Not only are you bothering me, but you are bothering my girlfriend as well. What does she have that you don’t? A brain and dignity. What we had was great but it is over; please move on. ”

Unfortunately this is the only way that the clingy ex will understand because if your man continues being nice, she will only misinterpret his sweetness for false hopes.

The Psychotic Stalker: She will repeatedly add your man to her BBM contact list by using a fake name (Who does that?!). She will make sure to drive past his house at least 4 times per day. She will put all her friends on watch so that they keep bringing her his latest updates. She will lurk around the places he goes to (cafés, restaurants, gym, bars, etc.). She will also cling to your man’s friends in the hopes that she will in some way be closer to him, and try to use them as a means to get back to him. She will do all of this simply because her peanut-sized brain cannot comprehend that she had a life before him and can continue having a life without him in it.

At this point, I say go out and buy a nice pair of gloves and slap that b**** right across her face. Who knows, it could help her snap back to reality. If you are looking for a less aggressive approach, ask your man to tell her the following:
“Since you have become my shadow and turned my life into a horror movie, I am asking you to please stop before I am forced to file a restraining order against you. I would have loved to stay friends, but I firmly believe that crazy people belong in a mental institute. Please stop harassing my friends too because you have put all of them in a very awkward position – some of them are changing their phone number and possibly their home address so that you have no way to contact them again. I have moved on and it would be great if you could do the same because I would like to keep a nice memory of you.”

The Wise and Caring Snake: She will suddenly become the caring, advice-giving, mother figure for your man. She will express her concern about how he always seems tired and neglected, about how his weight is fluctuating, and about how he deserves “better” as she hints that you are a bad girl with bad intentions (because she thinks all girls are money-hungry whores…as she). Of course, if your man is an idiot, he will actually believe she’s trying to help out – but let’s hope that he can see past her four faces. At this point, your man must tell her this:
“I have a mother, thank you. Please get out of my personal space and continue being a friend by respecting your boundaries. You are no longer in a place when you can impose your opinions when they are unasked for. You are no longer my number 1 – if you’d like to be my number 2, you’re more than welcome (although I use that term as a nickname for my feces). Thank you.”

If you are feeling super-irritated by the behavior of your man’s ex, you must tell him and ask him to put an end to it. If they are friends and do not cross each others’ boundaries, it shouldn’t disturb you because sometimes friendship between exes can be healthy and useful. On the other hand, if she still has feelings for him and does not want to understand that he is with someone else and continues to harass him and disrespect you, he must put an end to it for the sake of your relationship. Make sure that your man is not giving her false hopes, and that he has already made it clear to her that it is over, and that he has moved on! Many men love the attention they get from women, especially from their exes; and they find a certain comfort in knowing that their ex-girlfriend hasn’t moved on. This is very selfish behavior towards both the ex-girlfriend and the current girlfriend, and if the guy doesn’t want to understand that, he is probably not mature enough to be in an adult relationship and should re-consider breast-feeding and potty training. Explain to him what’s bothering you, calmly, and if he’s still hesitant and refuses to put an end to his ex’s annoying behavior, I say play his own game. Some men simply cannot understand how annoying or disrespectful a situation is until the roles are reversed, so why get mad when you can get even?

That being said, here’s a message to all you clingy exes everywhere: you are the most pathetic genre of superglue female out there and if you only knew how much people laughed at your pitiful behavior, you would stay in your room forever. Who cares why or how he left you? Your sob story is annoying to everyone, especially when it’s about someone who does-not-want-to-be-with-you! Also, no one believes your illusion that “he still loves you”. When a man leaves you and moves on to someone else, it can only mean one thing: IT’S OVER! End your obsession with his current girlfriend (trying to copy her and trying to figure out what she has that you don’t). Gather up what’s left of your dignity and move on to better things – maybe one day you will meet someone who’s more “suitable” for you. Until then, look up the word “dignity” in the dictionary; learn it, live it, love it.

“Remember now, Cheers, no tears.” Marilyn Monroe

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Broken-Hearted Girls

Following last week’s “Broken-Hearted Boys”, here’s a little heartbreak insight for the ladies. I will only mention the top two scenarios I hear about the most (and wish to never hear about, ever again).

Scenario Number 1: The Slithery Slimy Rico Suave
You meet your “Prince Charming” – he is Mr. Perfect; the handsome (vain), sweet-talking (lying), charismatic (patiently awaiting sex), suave (sly), mysterious man you’ve always dreamed of (the reason he’s so mysterious is because he’s a liar – wake up women).  A few weeks into it, while you’re telling your friends he’s your boyfriend, he’s telling his friends you’re his “friend” (with a wink); and while you’re falling for the reptile, he’s busy finding a way out.

What he said: Absolutely nothing.

(Translation: He stopped answering your calls and started ignoring you because, a) he doesn’t care, or b) he’s a disrespectful and cowardly swine.)

What he meant: “Please don’t call me. Forget about me. I don’t like or want you anymore and I assume that by not calling you, you’ll understand and never bother me again.”

Your question is: “Oh my GOD! What happened? I need to know! Why did he leave? I need my closure or I can’t move on! Nag! Nag! Nag!”  (Seriously?)

Your question should be: “Why am I still sulking over a man-whore who dumped me in such a disrespectful way? He doesn’t respect me, but don’t I respect myself?”

The verdict: He wanted to have fun with you, either to forget an ex-girl friend or simply because he’s “just not ready for a relationship” (i.e. he is, but not with you). When he realized that you are so stupidly in love with him, he felt choked and decided to run away like the mouse that he is. There are two scenarios:
a) He wanted to have sex, you didn’t, so he left to find someone else to answer to his needs.
b) He wanted to have sex, you gave him what he wanted (quicker than you could say “Hi, How are you?”) so he got bored (no more “thrill of the chase”) and left.

Whatever the reason, it would have never worked out because he wasn’t in a relationship mindset. Forget about him; don’t call or stalk him – it’s called preserving your dignity!

woman crying running makeup 400x400 La Wlooo!!... Broken Hearted GirlsScenario Number 2: The “Waste of Your Time” Hypocrite
You have been in this relationship for years. He has told you time and time again that you are the one for him and that he’ll never leave you. When there’s a problem, he tells you to be strong and have faith because you love each other and that’s all that matters (forgive him; he wasn’t breast-fed enough). One day he suddenly realizes that it can’t ever work out.

What he said: “You were the one for me, but things changed – you changed. I realized that I’m not ready to take the next step and I don’t want to waste your time (oh . . . how caring and selfless). We want different things. I hope we can be friends. I wish you the best.” (So cliché and full of sh**)

What he meant: “I am emotionally immature and do not understand the value or meaning of a commitment or a promise. I have changed; when I started growing chest hair, I realized that I want to be single again and do all the cool things single guys do – but since I’m a coward, I will make you feel that you’re the reason we broke up so that you don’t hate me and make my life hell.”

Your question is: “Cry, sob, weep!!!! Oohhhh, why did he leave me?? How can I get him back?? I already wasted so much time on him. How will I ever live without him?”

Your question should be: “Didn’t I have a life before him? Yes. Won’t I have a life after him? Yes. Will I lose faith in men because of him? No. Will I make my friends’ lives a living hell with my dim-witted crying and nagging? NO.”

The verdict: Please get yourself together woman. Thank your lucky stars that you did not end up marrying this sorry excuse of a man because your marriage would have ended in ruins. Love must stand the test of time, and if he doesn’t want to be with you after 5 years, it means he never loved you to begin with (when it’s right, feelings don’t fade away).

Please cry alone, do not say your life is over (because after a few months you’ll realize how pathetic you sounded), do not make people around you miserable, do not ask for advice that you’ll never take (because your friends will get so sick of your thick head), do not ask “WHY” this happened (because it won’t change anything . . . and it’s pretty darn obvious!), and PLEASE, do not forward emails and blackberry messages about how men should treat their sensitive, loving women (because it’s so obvious that it’s a pathetic cry for attention).

woman crying La Wlooo!!... Broken Hearted GirlsHell hath no fury like a woman scorned!”
This is a famous quote that is usually mistakenly associated with William Shakespeare. It in fact belongs to a play, “The Mourning Bride” (1697) by a playwright and poet called William Congreve. If that quote is not hardcore enough for you, here’s the complete excerpt: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

So to all you men (or lesbians) out there, you must understand that even in the 17th century, men knew better than to scorn women. With that said, please don’t mess with your woman (just because you can) because if she doesn’t take her anger out on you, her friends (possibly me) will be listening to her sobbing, screaming, and nagging forever (or until she meets someone better). Respect should never be forgotten, so always exit a relationship with grace and ease; when something is left messy, it will always be messy, and will come back to haunt you.

To all you ladies, here’s a thought: no matter how much you love a person, don’t ever forget how you deserve to be treated (if he can’t live up to it, leave as fast as you can and don’t look back).

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Broken-Hearted Boys

As summer is reaching its end, and goodbyes are inevitable, I realized that many couples I know are breaking up as well. Could it be seasonal bipolarity? Or a trend perhaps (let’s all get tattoos, get married, cry, break up, be gay)? Regardless of the reason, I am tired of seeing tears and hearing the following question, “WHY?!”

I know I’m not Dr. Phil or Oprah, but there are some very logical answers as to why you got dumped!
This week, it’s for the boys (and I am going to be very immature about this). I’m going to narrow it down to the three scenarios I’ve heard about the most.

Scenario Number 1: The Bollywood Indian Drama Queen
You are in a committed relationship; everything is fine (apparently). Suddenly, your sweetheart starts to act a bit emo (moodiness, blasts from the past, pathetic Hollywood movie behavior and speeches), she seems distant (comatose perhaps), she starts coming up with the silliest excuses to see you less, then boom – it’s over.

What she said: “I still love you but things seem to have changed. I am confused. I need some space. I need to discover who I really am and what I really want. I need to expand my horizons. I will always love you though. I just need some time. Blah.”
Her exit speech is the longest most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard, but you’re too hurt and shocked to process it properly.

What she meant: “I don’t love you anymore; I have feelings for someone else. I am suffocating with you. I want to go out, meet guys, go crazy, have sex, and live my life – but I want you to love me and wait for me forever like a gay loser (because I am a selfish b****).”

Your question is: “Why? Why oh why did she leave? If she still loves me, then whyyyyyy?”

Your question should be: “Why? Why oh why am I such a moron? When oh when will I become a man and move on with my life and show that b**** what she lost?”

The verdict: Instead of sulking and being supportive of her decision (like a faggot), tell her to stop yapping (because she is taking you for a fool). Tell her she lost you and your respect. Tell her to get the hell out of your face. Once you do this, you can regain some of the respect you’ve lost (because the girl is going to gossip about the break up to her friends, family, concierge, gardener, teddy bears, and toilet bowl), so at least now she can leave out the part of “Haram, he is so upset, I feel so bad for him.” Kick start your life again and forget about her.

Scenario Number 2: The Victimizing Victim
You are in a fresh relationship, and everything is going great. After a few dates, she changes completely. The sweet angel turns into Cruella de Vil; she is loud, rude, bossy, selfish, and horrifies/hates your friends. She seems to only be interested in the material aspect of the relationship, and when that is not provided, she grows distant and mysterious (or should I say, dishonest). When you complain to her that you are not her doormat, she spins the story around and blames you (or anyone or anything).

What she said: “You don’t care about me. No one cares about me (Sob. Weep. Sniff). I can’t be with someone who is not willing to do anything and everything for me (selfish lying witch). I can’t be with you anymore because you didn’t treat me well.”

What she meant: “I don’t care about you. I wanted you to buy me nice things and take me to nice places because no one ever does! I can’t waste my time on you anymore; I must find another man to comply with my needs.”

Your question is: “What the hell just happened?”

Your question should be: “Did a gold-digging heartless witch just break up with me? How did I let that happen?”
The verdict: THANK HER! And thank your lucky stars that you are no longer polluting your life with such garbage. Also, slap yourself for not dumping her first (you fool).

Scenario Number 3: The Silent Sleazy Seeker
Your relationship is fine. Everything is fine except that she seems to be a little too friendly with the boys. She has wandering eyes and never wants to stay in and watch a DVD. She prefers being out where she can see and been seen all-the-time. One day, poof – it’s not working out anymore.

What she said: “It’s not you, it’s me. We are not on the same page and seem to want different things. There’s no way this can work out. Sorry.”

What she meant: “I liked you at first, but not anymore. The only reason I stayed with you was till I found boyfriend #2, who I’ve been dating secretly for the past few weeks. Forget about me (i.e. please don’t call me a whore).”

Your question is: “How on earth did I not see the red flags?!”

Your question should be: “I DID see the red flags; I felt there was something fishy, so WHY* didn’t I break up with her long ago?”
*Because a) you have too much of a macho ego to even begin to imagine that your woman could cheat on you, or b) you’re just plain stupid/blind/ignorant.

The verdict: If she wasn’t honest with you about it, don’t even bother talking to her. It’s not worth it! If she was honest about it, make sure you put her down to size with a sentence she’ll never forget for the rest of her existence. Always remember that women cheat too, so watch out for red flags (because sometimes it could be a result of something you’re doing or not doing).

Food for thought: A girl worth keeping will never leave you. Forget about her the moment she walks away. (As they say: To each his own)

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Robert Frost

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Homage to My Blog

In an attempt to vent and de-stress, I started my blog about a week ago. Naturally, I shoved it down my friends’ throats in every possible way; bombarding them with text messages, bbm’s, emails, msn messenger, and so on. Some liked it and some were very indifferent about it  – of course I attributed this to their short attention spans, inability to read anything (including road signs), and their dedicated “online time” that is exclusive to browsing Facebook, Youtube, and/or playing online poker.

One thing that many of my friends said to me was, “don’t you think it’s too honest, hurtful, and personal?” (1. Why the drama? And 2. Is there a rule for blog content?)

. . . Pause . . .

So, I decided to dedicate this blog to answering the above question once and for all (in a philosophical way, of course).

First of all, I will tackle the matter of “Don’t you think it’s too honest?”
Answer: What the heck do you mean “too honest”?!
You are either an honest or a dishonest person, but of course in the society I am living in, I find myself obliged to slice up, break down, dissect, and analyze the 892 meanings to the word HONESTY.

To name a few:
The white lie: I am sorry people – a lie is a lie. The people to whom you are “white lying” to will eventually find out and create so much drama out of it in order to victimize themselves (that way, you will owe them your soul for life and you’ll never hear the end of it).
The delayed truth: Ah yes, ‘tis the truth that shalt cometh. You see, here, the truth is released in stages. Stage 1: you lie. Stage 2: you get caught, so you reveal 10% of the truth by supporting it with the 90% of stage 1’s lie. Stage 3: you get caught again (follow stage 2’s procedure) and this is when you are given the ultimatum: this is your last chance to tell the truth. Stage 4: your guilt pushes you to finally tell the overdue truth, so from this point on you will continue to release bits and pieces of the truth over long durations of time until it is finally out!
The pleasant truth: I’ll go ahead and give an example on this one: Buttercup returned to Lebanon after a year of living abroad, having gained 1 kilo for each day she was gone. You see, she was probably competing with planet earth as to who could actually have a larger radius. The truth: she had become FAT, as opposed to, the pleasant truth which was told to her by friends and family, “You have gained a bit of weight, but it suits you oh so much – you’re simply glowing!” Glowing? She’s not pregnant for frick’s sake, she’s inexcusably fat!
Well, after Buttercup eventually lost all that weight and five sizes off her jeans, she entered a state of shock regarding how fat she was and couldn’t help but wonder why no one made it clear to her.
The hurtful truth: this in fact is the truth as it is – nothing more, nothing less. Sadly enough, the reason it is labeled “hurtful” is because people’s ears are so accustomed to hearing the same monotonous bullsh**, that when they do eventually hear something different, it cuts like a knife.

Now, to the issue of “Don’t you think it’s too hurtful?”
Answer: Frankly no – I think it’s quite funny. It is only hurtful to those involved in the embarrassing stories (with names changed to maintain discretion of course). I believe that indicating people’s flaws and mistakes will greatly improve them (so let’s all work together to make the world a less annoying and brain dead place to live in).
Disclaimer: I do not intentionally hurt or try to change anyone. When and if I do, it is for a greater cause – a higher purpose – because if I refrain from speaking my mind, that person will one day have children that exhibit those characteristics, and one day those children will have children of their own, and so on.

This brings me to the third dilemma, “Don’t you think it’s too personal?”
Answer: What is personal anymore these days? For instance, I know a circle of friends, the Queen Bees – they all share each others’ secrets carefully . . . with the rest of the world. Also, sharing your every step on Facebook is much more personal than blogging about funny experiences and your perspective about the world around you (although I’m guilty of both). Since we already have more than enough Facebookers, I truly wish there were more people out there who took 15 minutes a day to observe what’s going on around them, and then took another 15 minutes to reflect on their thoughts about it.

After covering the honest, hurtful, and personal elements, I would like to emphasize on the THINK element in that question.
A couple of days ago, Mojo Pin told me that he feels lonely in his thoughts because he is unable to share them with anyone or to conform to the masses. I honestly felt bad for him, but mostly, I felt bad for most of the people around me who are so happy being sheep; being told what they should like, eat, drink, wear, and say.
People’s thoughts should be different, and each person’s insight should be shared with others because a change in perspective from time to time is very healthy for us as individuals and for the world as a whole. If we all thought the same way, we would all still be living in caves without any electricity. Think about it.

For those of you (and you know who you are) who still understand the meaning of depth, individuality, and intellect, I would like you to repeat this prayer every night before you go to bed:

“I thank you God for giving me a brain. I am fully aware of how that used to be part of the package but is now unfortunately an added option that not everyone has the privilege of having.”

Ps. I do not care if my blog entries are too long – they are not intended for people with ADHD.

“When we talk in company we lose our unique voice, and this leads us to make statements which in no way correspond to our real thoughts.” Friedrich Nietzche

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