Tag Archives: Sexiness

33 Things You Didn’t Know About Men

things you didnt know about men 1 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

I originally wrote and published this in March 2011. Much has changed since then; much hasn’t.. Enjoy!

1. Men don’t like snobs. And no, they don’t like snobby behavior either. Why? They interpret it as rejection and bad manners. Remember, there’s a big difference between having that sexy self-confidence and that turn-off, holier-than-thou attitude.

2. Men of quality will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl any day. There’s no point in dating a Gisele look-alike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, yes, your man will enjoy you being the biggest b**** in bed, but you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker look-alike girlfriend. For starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her. That’s not flattering for either of you.

3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or split ends or small breasts; and most importantly stop bringing attention to them. When a man really likes you, he’ll ignore your trivial bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms, armpits or upper lip, he’ll run away. If you have crooked, homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have bad breath that smells like a bird flew into your mouth and died, he’ll run away. And although some women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you smell bad, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like rotting onions that have been roasting under the sun for weeks!

5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mothers; but oddly enough, a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (think: Oedipus). So, if you feel his mom is an evil b****, it’s highly likely you’re an evil b**** as well. Embrace it instead of trying to pick at it. Why? Because men love their moms.

6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men can go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego. And we all know how big a man’s ego is, so don’t crap all over his dreams.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you. Not much has changed since kindergarten.  

7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, smile and be his co-pilot or partner in crime. Once again, mind the ego.

8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your beast and rock your world. Again, with the ego.

things you didnt know about men 2 300x224 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl. It all comes down to that.

10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what?  . . .  never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being a stupid child. He will most likely jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . then hell may break loose. Remember that thing about the ego?

11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, when you tell a man you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then.”

12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, just a few months down the line, you could be begging him to meet your parents – and he’ll be refusing . . . this sh** tends to happen. A lot.

13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).

14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later.” When a girl says “yes,” he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me.” There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such a thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge; someone who’s been unattainable to the guys before him.

15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than women. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on.

16. It’s smart thinking to test a guy before you can believe and trust him, but make sure that doesn’t go on for too long. Distrust on the longterm is interpreted as low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is a big turn off for any man.

17. When a man has had a rough day, he’d rather be left alone to lick his wounds (caveman style). If you’re privileged enough, he will share his problems with you. Don’t nag, don’t philosophize, don’t give advice and don’t breathe. Just listen to him and be there for him. Be quiet for once.

18. Although they may not show it, it’s super f***ing hard for a guy to move on and let go of his girlfriend after a breakup; especially if they’ve been together for over 2 years.

things you didnt know about men 3 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

19. During Courtship:
If a girl really makes a guy suffer, it would be tremendously hard for him to let go of her.
Men are willing to do anything to capture the attention of a girl they really like.

20. If your relationship is serious, it is more likely that the man loves you more than you love him; so even if a man tells you he loves you once every 34 months, there’s no need slit your wrists. It still means he loves you. Instead, try focusing on his actions, not his words.

21. Never dig into your man’s personal belongings without asking first. Whether it’s his phone, laptop, sock drawer or anything that’s his; if you’re looking to find something bad, you definitely will – and honey, your prying nose ain’t gonna like it. We all have a history. Accept that he does too and focus on other more important things, like why you’re such an insecure and nosy little b****.

That being said . . .

22. Don’t open Pandora’s Box unless you’re ready to face the consequences. Also, if you snoop around, don’t tell him or he’ll a) lose respect for you or b) begin snooping through your phone every single day just to spite you.

23. Men hate it when their woman is wearing too much make up. Men also hate it when a woman’s hair is full-on coiffed with half a bottle of hairspray squirted into it. Men like to run their fingers through your soft hair without requiring a wrench to pull their hand out of your head. They also like to play with your face and kiss your cheeks without hearing “eeeeek! you’re ruining my make up!” men interpret excess make up as a) a clown at a circus or b) hooker in a brothel.

24. Even if they don’t admit it, men do not appreciate it when they buy you a 2,000 dollar gift then receive a 200 dollar gift from you. That spells: G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R! It also says you’re an ungrateful person who believes she is entitled to receiving without giving back. If you can’t afford buying him something close to that value, don’t accept his gift in the first place.

25. When you want to “teach” your man something, do it in private. In public, they must appear to know everything. On that note, never try to emasculate your man in front of his friends or family; he will hate you for that. His friends will hate you for that. His family will hate you for that. They will all encourage him to leave you. Unless he’s completely whipped, he will most likely, eventually leave you.

26. If a man says “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he forgot, it doesn’t mean he lost your number, it doesn’t mean he had a family emergency, and it doesn’t mean he’s lying dead in the hospital. It means he simply didn’t want to call you. Why? Who cares! Next!

27. Always be direct with a man. Never use mixed signals. If you want to get what you want, don’t say “yes” when you mean “no” or “go ahead” when you mean “stay” or “I don’t mind” when you mean “don’t you dare.” Be a woman, damn it, not a silly little girl.

28. Every man is a pedophile to some degree. A man loves it when his woman acts like a baby and he loves her timidity, innocence and purity. Don’t mistake these characteristics for being “naïve, stupid, ignorant, weak and dependent” – men hate that.

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29. Men love a sexy, sultry, elegant woman who turns people’s heads when she walks into a room. Sometimes though, men prefer it if you wore no make up, a T-shirt with jeans and sneakers, and tied your hair in a ponytail. Simplicity is also nice.

30. Most men don’t mind if you’re short. They will mind if you’re fat though. When a man tells you that you just need to “work out at the gym,” that’s his polite way of telling you “you need to lose weight!” But – no man likes a scrawny, boney, semi-anorexic, breastless, butt-less, curve-less skeleton either.

31. When threatening to “unleash your inner b****” to a man, you are not intimidating him at all. Instead, he is a) disgusted, b) secretly laughing at you, or c) possibly not even listening to your empty threats and growling. On that note, a man hates a woman that loses her composure. Shouting and screaming is a big no-no. If you want to get your point across, think Al Pacino from the Godfather part I (not part III): calm and terrifying.

32. Men hate women’s drunken dramatic alter egos. Whether it’s aggressive, emotional, out of control, or plain weird, they just hate it. They especially hate it when they have to watch you vomit while holding your hair back – that’s your best friend’s job – at 16. At 26? Not so much . . .

33. Fact: Married men tend to have a longer life expectancy than single men, but married men are the ones more willing to die.

 

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How to Look Like a Lebanese Bimbo

lebanese whore La Wlooo!!!...How to Look Like a Lebanese Bimbo

After being attacked countless times for making fun of Lebanese girls who love looking like hoes, I figured ho-defenders out there are too many to be conquered by merely one loser such as myself — but I’ll keep writing about these divine creatures, who I’m so envious of, because I’m so ugly and miserable. So many of my intelligent ho-loving readers, who love me so much, accuse me of being fat, ugly, unbearable, miserable, bitter and single; they have truly exposed me for who I really am. After weeping on my bathroom floor for weeks, I decided to emerge from my funk as an enlightened one that has come to terms with one truth: I am ugly, and prostitutes are ravishing; hence, I am jealous of them and want to look exactly like them, which is the only logical reason as to why I make fun of them.

If you’re ugly like me, you’ll need to start looking like a ho asap so you can find a gentleman who will appreciate your personality and want to marry you and have your babies one day.

Step 1: Admit the Truth
The first step towards self-improvement is admitting to yourself that you’re jealous of all hoes. Declare that since you were a little girl, you’ve always dreamed of growing up to be a sl**. Why would you want to be a lawyer, journalist, doctor, architect or anything boring like that when you can be a ho? It’s never too late to follow your dream. Be a ho so you can be appreciated for what truly counts: your brains!
Stop making fun of hoes and admit that you’re a hater, because real beauty is looking like a $2 h**ker. These hoes aren’t bad people. All they want is to find a man of “quality” to spend on them (a.k.a. a husband), so they dress the part.

lebanese prostitute La Wlooo!!!...How to Look Like a Lebanese Bimbo

rest a cross between your breasts…

Step 2: Dress to Impress
There’s no point in wearing underwear if you’re not going to show it, so make sure 85% of your cleavage is out and that only 15% of your bum is covered.
When attending a classy event, make sure to wear a dress that reveals your legs, back, chest, stomach, arms and maybe your v*gina. Make sure that your dress is so tight that your lungs would collapse after one hour, which is more than enough time to meet your future husband – granted that you’re wearing a pair of elegant h**ker heels. They have been proven to help quality women find quality husbands since 1970. For extra points, make sure your dress comes in leather or in latex fabric, and in flashy colors like red or hot pink. Not into colors? Wear full-on animal print. Zebra and leopard combos are to die for! Your future husband will feel that you’re the powerful hunter and he’s the helpless prey – and isn’t that every man’s dream? Make sure to pounce on as many men as possible to secure at least one or five. Men love a woman who is promiscuous.
Since hoes go out during the day as well, there’s a proper dress code every woman must abide during the daytime. Make sure to wear as much makeup and perfume as possible so that the daylight emphasizes your Edward Cullen face and raccoon eyes. Think of perfume as part of your mating ritual, luring in husbands from around Lebanon and beyond. With a strong enough perfume, you may even attract beaus from Germany. Stick to scents that will make you smell like a baby wh**e.

Step 3: Draw on a New Face

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et voila . . . a vampire wh**e

The key here is to make sure none of your facial skin shows by the time you’re done. You have three looks to aim for: a mime, a clown or backstage makeup (think: Black Swan sans feathers).
Make sure you start by painting a very light foundation all over your face. You’ll know you’ve got the right shade when your face and neck are two completely different colors. Your face should be a whitish-pink or something similar to your kitchen wall. Continue by coloring big black circles around your eyes. Don’t stop until you look like you’ve been kneed in the face twice. After you’re done applying the elegant eye shadow, glue on some super long fake lashes. Make sure they’re long enough to poke your future husband’s eye out. Move on to painting on your eyebrows.
Make sure the result looks like this: ^  ^ or \  /
When you’re done, you should look like Lucifer.If there’s a hint of innocence or simplicity left on your face, you’ll know you’ve done something wrong. Make sure each eyebrow is as black as charcoal. For perfect results, wax off your real eyebrows. If your eyebrows are made from hair, it’s simply unnatural. For captivating eyes, wear the fakest green contact lenses that make your eyes pop right out of your face.
For your finishing touches, make sure to paint your lips blood red and draw a beauty mole on your chin or above your lip. Make sure it looks fake; perfectly round and black, like a speck of bird poop. Once done, take a look at the mirror –you should look like a vampire wh**e.

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I pout when I poo too

Step 3: Intensify your Mannerisms
Buy a year’s supply of bubblegum. Chew it all the time with an open mouth, even when you’re sleeping. Make sure to blow big bubbles and laugh as high as possible (think: Nanny Fran) for the perfect results. Suck on your finger whenever needed. For example, if someone asks you for directions, wink and suck on your finger. If someone asks you how much you charge per hour, suck the finger while giving him a piece of your mind!
Your facial expression should always say one of the following:
1) I pout even when I’m fast asleep. As for my eyebrows, I’m not surprised . . . they’re just shaped that way . . . naturally.
2) I am so tired and sexual all at once.
When you go out dancing, make sure to rub your butt on every strange man standing nearby. As you do this, touch yourself while chewing gum and sucking your finger simultaneously. Once again, if you’re wearing those feminine h**ker heels, the stranger you’re rubbing up against will marry you within weeks.
If men look at you or hit on you as if you’re a ho, say “yiiiiii? Ba3ed na2iss!” although you are a ho, no one is allowed to treat you like one. You should be appreciated for your brain and personality.

Step 4: Work Like a Boss!
Your appearance should in no way allow for a guy to grab your right breast. He should buy you a car first, after which he can grab both your breasts and then some. Let him earn your sexual favors. No, that does not make you a sl**, it makes you a smart businesswoman. When people ask you what you do for a living, say you work in trade or customer services. There’s no need for you to have a regular job like the rest of us losers. You have a sugar daddy to support you, because he appreciates your witty conversation. He will pay your bills and buy you things so that you reward him with sex. No, you are not a prostitute.
If, God forbid, you have a job, you should make it clear to your employee and customers that you do not work for them! You are not there to work! Make this clear by not doing a thing all day. When you’re asked to do something, stick your fake nails out in disbelief and say, “tsu2! Yiiiiii….pffffff….ma maaoul!” how dare they ask you to do the job that you’re getting paid to do? How dare they? Your pride and dignity come before anything, so you always need to make it clear that you’re stooping below your high level of ho-ness by working in something legit. How embarrassing and disappointing. Who needs high school, basic math or spelling when you are so darn hot!

Step 5: Talk Like you’re Trapping Poo
Now that you’ve gotten steps 1 through 4 under your belt, you must carry the right attitude with you. It’s not enough to look, smell, dance and think like a ho, you must talk like one too. Make sure to extend every vowel so that it sounds like you’re having a constipated orgasm. It’s not annoying, it’s sexy. Make a lot of “aaaahhhhh” sounds because they are like a mating call for potential husbands. No, men will not think you’re a vulgar nymphomaniac who’s slept with half the planet. They’ll see you as the mother of their unborn babies.

I can now seek love and acceptance from all ho-lovers and defenders of the world, because my life would make no sense at all without their approval.

 “The awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced that people actually think you are stupid.”

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Miss Lebanon 2011: The Bimbo Parade

miss lebanon.jpeg e1310401401133 La Wlooo!!!...Miss Lebanon 2011: The Bimbo Parade

Illustration by Carl Halal

After years of not watching the Miss Lebanon beauty pageant (or any beauty pageant for that matter) I decided to tune in after the fifth inside joke I heard about the participants. I must admit, it was the biggest waste of three precious hours of my life. Picking at my cuticles would have been more meaningful.
For starters, whatever happened to the women of quality that used to join this pageant? Women that were actually educated, intelligent, and beautiful (minus the unsuccessful rhinoplasty).
Not only did these girls rank less “than average to fugly” on the beauty scale, but also their IQ levels are two digits! I understand how stage fright can affect a person’s performance; but come on, that bad?!
After finally overcoming my shock at the freak show I just watched, I decided it’s only fair to point out just how ridiculous last night’s show was.

The host: this guy should be fined for being so lame. He annoyed me even more than all the girls. He also had more make up on his face than all the contestants. His fake smile that remained frozen on his face for three hours made my cheekbones hurt.
At one point, when he was introducing a contestant, he said: “Alice bet hebb el rasem wel maquillage; ya3ni bterssom wejja rassem!”
OMG! No jolly host, you didn’t just say that!
Well, at least he was competent enough to realize how stupid the girls’ answers were as he kept reassuring the judges that the girls were nervous (as if that’s a valid excuse for brain death).

The Swimsuit Contest: In brief, it made me dizzy. Not because the girls’ bodies were smokin’ hot (as if), but because of the way they kept swaying that fabric all over the place. It was like Swan Lake gone bad. I tried to envision what the choreographer told these girls to do because they must have misunderstood. Their routine was anything but graceful. It was anything but sexy. Their facial expressions were so weird, “I am so hot. I am in love with myself. I want to make love to all this joyous fabric around me.” I was embarrassed for them. There was that one girl that was like a circus performer; getting a bit too aggressive with all that fabric, she almost tripped and fell. She avoided it so gracefully though by kicking at the fabric like a mule.

I’m not sure these girls understand what “demeaning” means as they are standing there, frozen, half naked on stage with their hair flying in the wind *barf*, getting different scores according to their face, posture, walk, butt, breasts, thighs, height, weight. They are actually proud of being displayed like cows at a county fair. Oh, and since this is such a defining moment in the contest, I couldn’t understand how one of the contestants had the guts to parade around on stage as she showed off her thunder thighs and monster butt . . . she was also selected among the top ten. (Wassta much?)

The Evening Gown Contest: “See the ladies at their finest,” said the lamer than life host. Talk about not doing justice to a Reem Acra dress. In all fairness, there were three pretty girls. Shouldn’t there have been a better filtration process while selecting the contestants for Miss Lebanon? I am shocked. If these were the finalists, how horrendous were the hundreds of girls that applied? That being said, didn’t they practice walking in their high heels and evening gowns? It was like the walk of the dinosaurs and sasquatches. And what was worse than their walking? Their Talking . . .

The Questions: WOW! Wow, wow, wow! The million-dollar question of the evening:
Q: . . . So if you were given 100,000 LBP, what would you buy with it?
A: I would buy ambitions, my voice, and the ability to achieve goals.
OMG!
Seriously?!

She stood there with the utmost degree of pride, as the audiences couldn’t resist laughing at her. The host laughed as well. As a matter of fact, I believe that viewers all around the Arab world laughed. This girl will be labeled as the “100,000 LBP Idiot” for the rest of her life. Regardless, and by some miracle *cough* wassta, this contestant received high scores.

Let’s not forget the other pathetic answers; most of which did not even answer the question. For instance:
Q: If you became Miss Lebanon and started getting trashed via Facebook, how would you react?
A: People do not have to use Facebook for political reasons. You don’t have to accept people you don’t know.
Not only is her attention span very poor, but also her trail of thought is truly something else!

Or, the highly emotional philosophizer:
Q: There are no female members in the newly formed parliament. How does that make you feel?
A: I am VERY upset that there are no females (sayyidet) in parliament!!! A woman raises her family and raises society. She symbolizes society!
The anger, the passion, the butt-kissing.

Or the repetitive nonsense:
Q: If you win the Miss Lebanon title, you know what you will win. But, what would you lose?
A: I would lose my privacy, you know, because people would be watching my every move; every time I go out, wherever I go. And you know, privacy is so important but what I will be winning will make up for that loss. Privacy is important.
You know . . . privacy . . . you know . . . it’s important . . . but it’s not . . . but it is . . .

And last but not least, the girl that sounded like a cat:
Q: The Jeita Grotto is competing for a spot amongst the Seven Wonders of the World. As you know the voting is taking place on the Internet. You have one minute to encourage audiences to vote.
A: (In her annoying pussycat voice) Since Lebanon is based on TOURISM, PLEASE vote so Lebanon can THRIVE based on its TOURISM because nothing endures in Lebanon except TOURISM!!!
I’m sure she needed a Xanax . . . or three. For some reason Hitler came to mind . . . and cats getting raped . . .

The Audience: Let’s say one half was completely bored out of their minds and didn’t even pretend to be amused while the other half, the parents, were so proud that their daughters were on stage and on TV. Yes, I blame the parents for encouraging that type of silly behavior.

Ragheb Alami: I love him, everyone loves him; he’s a superstar! BUT, what was up with that lip-syncing? Is it just me or was the synchronization completely off?? Tsk tsk Ragheb! Well, at least Mr. Alami gave the best speech of the evening – it sure as heck beat anything that came out of those bimbos’ mouths.

The dancers: One word, four syllables: Epilepsy.
They weren’t even moving to the rhythm. My favorite was the dance routine with those big white fluffy feathers. So, you have a bunch of men dressed in white suits, bouncing around on stage while fluffing their white feathers all over the place. Just dandy.

The Winner: She was not even the least bit surprised by the result. Apart from her bizarre facial expression throughout the show, as though her heart was about to explode from all the excitement, she seemed pretty calm and cool about it all. She must have known she’d win because of her super intelligent answer:
Q: Do you agree that a man is controlled by his head while a woman is controlled by her heart?
A: A woman represents motherhood so yes, she thinks with her heart; whereas a man is strong like a rock (WTF?) . . . But I encourage them both to use their heart and their head.

These sad little girls are seeking fame at any cost. It doesn’t matter how much they embarrass themselves as long as they prove to everyone around them that they are perfect (according to those mediocre standards of course). As a perceptive friend of mine told me, all that matters to a 19 year old on that stage is proving to her Qatar-bound boyfriend that she is close to perfect, hence marriage material; and thus worthy of being his wife. Bring on the ring!
They all want to cure world hunger. They all enjoy swimming and dancing. They all aim for world peace and unity and everything else that Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, and the United Nations failed to achieve.

I believe the glory and glamour that once came with obtaining a Miss Lebanon title died a while back when the quality of these women went down so low. It has turned into a modeling competition featuring brainless infants with ugly fake noses and hopes of finding a husband because they are “pretty”. Only a stupid, superficial man would fall for something like that. Just like only a stupid, superficial girl would participate in such a contest in order to validate her beauty and gain fame (not insecure at all)!

Even for something as superficial and silly as beauty contests, the elimination or filtration process should follow higher standards with regards to everything. I am hoping that they raise the bar next year because the woman chosen to represent all other Lebanese women should be beautiful, smart, ambitious, and educated. It shames me that viewers all around the world would think for a minute that those contestants represent the best of the Lebanese female population. Nevertheless, the show was quite a comic relief for me; even funnier than Borat.

To all the quality women out there, celebrate your independence, self-confidence, achievements, brains, and beauty because you know you have them and you don’t need a bunch of judges plus a wassta to tell you who you are or how good you look in a bikini.

“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.”

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Why Vampires Are Sexier Than Men

Little girls grew up watching fairy tales, where the prince on the white horse arrives to woo and rescue his soon-to-be princess. Just as we miserably realized that this son of a prince doesn’t exist, a new trend kicked in: vampire movies.
Yes, vampires are intended to be scary, gruesome, creatures of the darkest places, but not anymore. Thanks to the Twilight Saga’s sexy Edward and The Vampire Diaries’ beautiful brothers Damon and Stefan, vampires are the new craze that women everywhere are just dying for (no pun intended).

Being a vampire fanatic myself, I decided to put together a few points – based on my opinion – on why these vampire characters are just so much more awesome than the real men we unfortunately deal with on a day to day basis. Can men take pointers from these blood-sucking fiends? I say heck yeah!

Vampires are Charming: What woman doesn’t love to be swept off her feet? Vampires are always so charming, of course because they were born at least 400 years ago and acquired proper breeding and manners; whether it’s dancing the waltz or kissing a woman’s hand, they have perfected their charm and charisma.
This beats the “hey! Nice ass” remark that we hear every now and then, and the “sorry, I don’t dance” excuse. Allow me to shrug: UGH!!

Vampires are Romantic: One would think that being dead would sort of, you know, kill your feelings. But no, vampires are filled with emotions and drama. The sexy vampire male lead is always a hopeless romantic (and of course, is always in love with an ugly, always dramatic girl). The vampire will love his woman from the depth of his soul and will stop at nothing to please her (once again, this is quite ridiculous since he’s supposedly dead and soulless).
This beats a man not even once attempting to open the car door for his lady.

Vampires are Eternal: Not only do they live forever, but their love is forever as well. The vampire may pick the ugliest girl of the bunch, but he will worship her for eternity. What if she tragically dies? He will roam the earth for 200 years, searching for ways to bring her back to life.
*sigh*
This sure as heck beats a guy who falls out of love after four years and falls into cheating  because “four years was such a long time – it killed the romance.” Try 400!

Vampires are HOT: has anyone other than me paid attention to how absolutely perfect and gorgeous these vampire men are? Pardon me while I catch my breath, but I believe these actors were custom-made to make women’s hearts melt, everywhere. This is probably why almost every vampire movie is a chick flick. You simply cannot watch it with your man because you’ll inevitably compare him to the vampire hunk and as a result, you’ll loathe him.
Why? Because male vampires have insanely sexy bodies and intensely magnetic eyes – EPIC sexiness!
This beats the “I’m eight months pregnant” belly that so many men flaunt.

Vampires are Wise: Yes, the wisdom they’ve acquired over the centuries puts an encyclopedia to shame. And what woman doesn’t love learning about the world from her vampire man? He’s literally been to every corner of the earth, probably speaks 17 languages, and knows how to bring peace to the Middle East.
Once again, *sigh*.
This beats the philosophizers (who actually know nothing) whose conversation we pretend to be interested in.

Vampires are Impeccable Dressers: Once again, HOT! It’s either super cool/sexy or extremely neat/slick. Either way, the vampire will walk through a room and turn every woman’s (and man’s) head. Why? ‘Cause he’s HOT!
This beats men who dress like they’re homeless hobos with no mirror and no sense of style, color, or logic.

Vampires are Strong: A vampire will stop at nothing to offer the utmost protection to his lady (once again, no matter how ugly she is; *cough* Bella *cough*). Sorry, I do not usually cough while I’m typing.
He will fight other evil vampires, werewolves, and boring humans, all to protect the love of his 450-year-old life. If a vampire is in Miami and his woman is in Moscow, he will sense if she’s in danger and come to rescue her within seconds.
Now why don’t men do that? – I’m kidding, chill.
This beats a pretend-macho man who likes to do a “mashkal” outside the club to score points with the hopefully horrified and unfortunate girl that’s with him.

Vampires are Dangerous: In a sexy way of course. They are probably dangerous to everyone except the woman they love. When he is a danger to his woman, he always ends up looking good and scoring points because he fought the urge to bite her (yummy!). This is usually followed by drama, tears, and bonding – and possibly vampire sex – but the point is, the vampire even makes biting, blood, drama, and tears look sexy.
This beats the “Abul Ghadab” tattoo biker who thinks he looks dangerous because people don’t look at him (when in reality people look away to avoid laughing in his face . . . because it’s rude).

Men everywhere probably have a raised eyebrow right now and are thinking “who does she think she is to generalize men and compare us to a fictional species and expect us to be more like them?!”
(Now please repeat that sentence in a Texan accent)

Ah well, vampires are fictional indeed – unfortunately (yes, I do have a sick love for vampires). And men, you can all rest assured because us women don’t even expect you to aspire to be a gentleman* (or put down the toilet seat), let alone have a vampire’s sense of class, style, and manners. We lost all inklings of hope long, long, ago – you’ve successfully taken that away, but you can’t take away our silly dreams of someday finding a man like Edward or Damon or Stefan (minus the blood-drinking and neck-biting).

*a real species (I promise)

“A gentleman may love like a lunatic, but not like a beast.” François de la Rochefoucauld

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Don’t be a Ho!

stripper shoes e1290186789316 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT SexyAfter watching enough video clips for some of our new Lebanese female exhebitionists singers, I have come to terms with one truth: their voice was not their claim to fame (DUH!). Beauty is no longer understood. When did it become acceptable for women to parade around looking like pin up dolls who just got abused by a makeup brush followed by a wardrobe catastrophe? Are these monsters celebrities acting as role models for both girls my age and older women who cannot understand the concept of “older”? If they’re not the reason, then what’s the cause of all this vulgarity I see everywhere?
My own analysis would be that these shemales females have forgotten the difference between sexy and vulgar, so I’ve taken the liberty of writing down 10 commandments for women in this department.

Thou Shalt Not look like a Ho:kim kardashian cameltoe La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy

1. Thou Shalt Not wear leggings with a short shirt: Don’t be so astonished. It is incorrect for you to walk around wearing something so tight without covering your va-jay-jay area. Reason #1: You will have a cameltoe. Reason #2: Men will say: “She has a cameltoe”. Reason #3: Every man who sees you will have one thought – that you’re a ho. To remember this, repeat “cameltoe equals ho”.

2. Thou Shalt Not wear clown makeup: Believe it or not, make up should be discreet;bobeck mimi2 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy i.e. it should bring out your features, not hide them under a 13 cm layer of muck. Please refrain from drawing black circles around your eyes – you are a lady, not a raccoon. Also, please try not to look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show (pink + blue + red + green = clown = not sexy). To remember this, repeat “if my eyes do not show, then I look like a ho”.

3. Thou Shalt Not have inflatable breasts: It’s a shocker ladies, but men indeed do not like anything bigger than a natural C cup. Can you imagine a man introducing Ms. Fake ‘D cup’ to his mother? “Hey Fake boobs 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexymom, meet the breasts. My girlfriend is standing right behind them.” The only thing he will introduce her to is his bed. Also, for those who have a smaller chest, please do not wear those scary push up bras for the cleavagy-ho look. Breasts cannot defy gravity and their place is below the neck, not adjacent to the chin. Every man I know finds that cheap. To remember this, repeat “What happens in bed stays in bed (including my scary push up bra and everything else that makes me look like a porno ho)”.

4.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar bras with transparent straps: Please ENOUGH with this “trend” already. If I hadMulti Way Sheer Strap Push Up Bra 1 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy the time, I would walk into every lingerie store and confiscate them . . . or burn them! It is so vomit-inducing when a girl is wearing a backless shirt with a bra that has transparent straps (that always look dirty for some reason). Hence, it is NOT invisible; it is nasty! I don’t care what part of the bra is transparent, say NO to the ho look. If it has rhinestones on the straps, say NO to the ho look. If it has transparent straps AND rhinestones, be sure it’s for a ho. To remember this, repeat “If I want my bra to show, I’m a ho”.

5.       Thou Shalt Not wear vulgar shoes:
Category 1:
15 inch heels: Especially if your toes are ugly. How can you know? Check your second toe; if it’s crooleather shoes 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexyked and sticking out, hide it. Please make sure that walking in heels makes you look sexy; if you’re waddling as if you’re a dinosaur about to fall, cut 10 inches off your heels or stay home where no one can laugh at you. To remember this, repeat “I am a graceful lady, not a dino-ho”.
Category 2: cheap leather shoes: 1) you will be scarred with bunions for the rest of your life, 2) they are so trashy, and 3) your cheap heel will break as a punishment from the universe. To remember this, repeat: “Shiny black garbage bags belong in the dumpster, not on my precious feet”.

6.       Thou Shalt Not wear leopard print clothing: I made a simple decision that this is the Renee Divine modeling a tight leopard print dress with a black belt e1290187497445 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexyugliest, most vulgar look to come out of fashion. Why would anyone want to look like a beast that is about to pounce on its prey? Yes, that is precisely what a man is thinking when he sees a girl all leopard-up. Leopard Lady is not exuding confidence, but bestiality. A leopard print accessory is nice. A full-on leopard print, skin tight outfit with a visible red bra is a big NO-NO. To remember this, repeat “I am beauty, not the beast”.

17OL STYLE BIGHAIR  383405a 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy7.       Thou Shalt Not purposely have big hair: If you have beautiful natural curls, God bless you. If you’re African-American, God bless you. If not, why do you purposely want to scare people off? Be neat; people are not obliged to get their eyes poked out by your fake big hair – you are not Tina Turner. To remember this, repeat “I should be sassy, not a Sasquatch”.

8.       Thou Shalt Not have tattooed eyebrows that look like the Nike Swoosh: I can assure you, it doga976tlw7y 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexyes not make you look the least bit attractive. It will not add any charisma to your face or charm to your eyes. It will only make you look like a wicked demon child. Do you want to look like Lucifer adopted you? Do you want to ho-ify yourself? Hint: Answer should be No. To remember this, repeat “I won’t tattoo ‘ho’ on my forehead”.

9.       Thou Shalt not wear slutty strappy tight shirts (that reveal your jelly belly): IeAmOHNGM0VCbF4 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexy
Last I checked, these kinds of “shirts” were displayed as lingerie items; i.e. to be worn under clothing or under the sheets. It is so last decade to pompously display your torso while wearing low-rise jeans, especially if 1) the shirt is super tight, 2) the shirt is super cleavagy, or 3) you seem to be 6 months pregnant. To remember this, repeat “Tuck belly inside; and strappy is crappy”.

10.   Thou shalt not have black roots on platinum blonde hair: Ew, Ew, Ew, Ew!!! Black hair is beautifu85866148 150x150 La Wlooo!!...Vulgar Women, NOT Sexyl; you can either keep it black or get it done 1 or 2 shades lighter. Even Madonna got rid of those nasty black roots! If you have that problem, you should change your hairdresser, change your hair color, or shave all your hair off!  To remember this, repeat “I should care for my hair and for people’s eyes.”

When Lebanon has such beauty, why try to be a ho? Don’t you think so?

“Beauty is ten, nine of which is dressing.” Proverb

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