The Daily Rant: Women’s Radio Orgasms

Hello people of planet Lebanon and earth — or the 8 of you who actually noticed I skipped yesterday’s Daily Rant. First, I should provide you with a good excuse as to why I didn’t write up a cluster of swear words with a funny title yesterday, but I’m assuming you don’t care so I won’t bother myself with fabricating an interesting excuse. I was merely exhausted and had a super busy Wednesday.

To make up for it, I’ll probably write up two rants for you today. I’m kidding. Do you really think I’m that bored?

Anyway, here’s something that I’ll never properly understand: Lebanese Radio Ads.

A.K.A. Ear Porn.

Yes. I’m assuming you’ve all watched or at least glimpsed a cheesy, sleazy porn movie once or twice in your life – if you’re going to say “eeewwww” and pretend you haven’t, get the heck off my blog and remove that stick from your ass ASAP.

Back to the subject of porn — so I’m assuming you’ve all heard the silly fake sexual sounds those women make in porn movies . . . and I’m certainly hoping that at least one person out there has realized the similarity between those sounds and Lebanese radio ads featuring Lebanese women.

This is just nasty – really – especially when I’m tired, cranky and stuck in traffic; particularly when I’m listening to a really good song on full blast and suddenly a woman comes on the radio, orgasming about f***ing coffee! Fellow motorists start staring at my car, wondering what the hell’s wrong with me.

There’s nothing wrong with me! There’s something wrong with that woman on the radio who has an orgasm over her neighbor’s coffee. What kind of acting school did she go to? “The Academy of Radio Porn?”

So as I was in the middle of my traffic-infested hectic day yesterday, I heard quite an interesting Nissan Micra ad. The scenario is as follows:

One woman buys a new car. She is oblivious to any of its features because she’s a stupid b****, and her smartass neighbor points this out to her by asking her if it has four airbags, a remote control thingy-ma-jiggy and OH MY GOD FOUR AIRBAGS OOOOHHHH AAAAAAHHHHHH *orgasms* like a NISSAN MICRA. What the f***? How stupid could a person be to not know if her car has airbags or not? And how STUPID could another person be to waste a minute of her life salivating over FOUR airbags? Sweet Jesus! The stupid lady then asks how much this marvelous airbag-bearing Micra costs, and the smartass tells her how affordable it is. Idiot #1 then asks for “may w sukkar” (sugar water) because “ashat daghta” (her blood pressure dropped) from all the excitement.

I do NOT want to live in this world anymore.

1. I believe the smartass neighbor has airbag Tourrette’s – there’s no other explanation. I also think when her husband wants to get her excited, he throws an airbag at her face.
2. The stupid b**** neighbor is a stupid b****.
3. I now f***ing HATE Nissan Micra. If I see any woman driving it, I will throw a plastic bottle at her moving airbag machine. Even if you’re my best friend and I see you driving a Nissan Micra, I will punch your face (think of it as an homage to your FOUR AIRBAGS *orgasms again*).

Disgusting.

Anyway, here’s another nasty ad I heard right after Nissan Micra. Since it’s Easter, all housewives are now showing off their cooking skills: who bakes the most b****ing maamoul! So in this ad, one woman asks the other where she bought her delicious, orgasmic maamoul from. In the most high-pitched Lebanese voice ever, the second woman replies, “walaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww? Ma bta3erfi ta3met temmik?!?!? Haidi ANA 3emleton ma3 zebdet Lurpak!!!” (Translation: oh no you didn’t, b****! Don’t you know the taste of your own mouth? I made these myself . . . and I used Lurpak!!)
They both proceed by having repetitive out-of-context orgasms over f***ing butter!

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE . . . IT’S BUTTER!

1. Lurpak lady needs to chill the f*** out. It’s no big deal if her friend doesn’t realize that these maamouls were home-baked by a neurotic b**** and contained f***ing Lurpak butter! Not even the most refined palate would recognize the taste of LURPAK butter in maamoul! THIS IS PLAIN STUPID!
2. I HATE this stupid advertisement, I hate it!
3. I don’t ever want to eat Lurpak again! EVER!
4. Yes I am aware of how childish my reaction is, but I seriously have the urge to weep every time I remember it! It’s post-traumatic stress!

Why are Lebanese women being stereotyped as brainless b****es who orgasm on coffee, airbags, f***ing detergent and kitchen utensils? This is not cool! When ads like this are actually appealing to a huge market segment in Lebanon – people – we have a huge f***ing problem, and it spans way beyond what stupid butter you’re using! Damn it!

Have a very sexual and orgasmic day!
R

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