Tag Archives: Relationships

33 Things You Didn’t Know About Men

things you didnt know about men 1 La Wlooo!!!...33 Things You Didnt Know About MEN

I originally wrote and published this in March 2011. Much has changed since then; much hasn’t.. Enjoy!

1. Men don’t like snobs. And no, they don’t like snobby behavior either. Why? They interpret it as rejection and bad manners. Remember, there’s a big difference between having that sexy self-confidence and that turn-off, holier-than-thou attitude.

2. Men of quality will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl any day. There’s no point in dating a Gisele look-alike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, yes, your man will enjoy you being the biggest b**** in bed, but you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker look-alike girlfriend. For starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her. That’s not flattering for either of you.

3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or split ends or small breasts; and most importantly stop bringing attention to them. When a man really likes you, he’ll ignore your trivial bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms, armpits or upper lip, he’ll run away. If you have crooked, homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have bad breath that smells like a bird flew into your mouth and died, he’ll run away. And although some women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you smell bad, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like rotting onions that have been roasting under the sun for weeks!

5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mothers; but oddly enough, a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (think: Oedipus). So, if you feel his mom is an evil b****, it’s highly likely you’re an evil b**** as well. Embrace it instead of trying to pick at it. Why? Because men love their moms.

6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men can go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego. And we all know how big a man’s ego is, so don’t crap all over his dreams.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you. Not much has changed since kindergarten.  

7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, smile and be his co-pilot or partner in crime. Once again, mind the ego.

8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your beast and rock your world. Again, with the ego.

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9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl. It all comes down to that.

10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what?  . . .  never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being a stupid child. He will most likely jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . then hell may break loose. Remember that thing about the ego?

11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, when you tell a man you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then.”

12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, just a few months down the line, you could be begging him to meet your parents – and he’ll be refusing . . . this sh** tends to happen. A lot.

13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).

14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later.” When a girl says “yes,” he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me.” There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such a thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge; someone who’s been unattainable to the guys before him.

15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than women. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on.

16. It’s smart thinking to test a guy before you can believe and trust him, but make sure that doesn’t go on for too long. Distrust on the longterm is interpreted as low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is a big turn off for any man.

17. When a man has had a rough day, he’d rather be left alone to lick his wounds (caveman style). If you’re privileged enough, he will share his problems with you. Don’t nag, don’t philosophize, don’t give advice and don’t breathe. Just listen to him and be there for him. Be quiet for once.

18. Although they may not show it, it’s super f***ing hard for a guy to move on and let go of his girlfriend after a breakup; especially if they’ve been together for over 2 years.

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19. During Courtship:
If a girl really makes a guy suffer, it would be tremendously hard for him to let go of her.
Men are willing to do anything to capture the attention of a girl they really like.

20. If your relationship is serious, it is more likely that the man loves you more than you love him; so even if a man tells you he loves you once every 34 months, there’s no need slit your wrists. It still means he loves you. Instead, try focusing on his actions, not his words.

21. Never dig into your man’s personal belongings without asking first. Whether it’s his phone, laptop, sock drawer or anything that’s his; if you’re looking to find something bad, you definitely will – and honey, your prying nose ain’t gonna like it. We all have a history. Accept that he does too and focus on other more important things, like why you’re such an insecure and nosy little b****.

That being said . . .

22. Don’t open Pandora’s Box unless you’re ready to face the consequences. Also, if you snoop around, don’t tell him or he’ll a) lose respect for you or b) begin snooping through your phone every single day just to spite you.

23. Men hate it when their woman is wearing too much make up. Men also hate it when a woman’s hair is full-on coiffed with half a bottle of hairspray squirted into it. Men like to run their fingers through your soft hair without requiring a wrench to pull their hand out of your head. They also like to play with your face and kiss your cheeks without hearing “eeeeek! you’re ruining my make up!” men interpret excess make up as a) a clown at a circus or b) hooker in a brothel.

24. Even if they don’t admit it, men do not appreciate it when they buy you a 2,000 dollar gift then receive a 200 dollar gift from you. That spells: G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R! It also says you’re an ungrateful person who believes she is entitled to receiving without giving back. If you can’t afford buying him something close to that value, don’t accept his gift in the first place.

25. When you want to “teach” your man something, do it in private. In public, they must appear to know everything. On that note, never try to emasculate your man in front of his friends or family; he will hate you for that. His friends will hate you for that. His family will hate you for that. They will all encourage him to leave you. Unless he’s completely whipped, he will most likely, eventually leave you.

26. If a man says “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he forgot, it doesn’t mean he lost your number, it doesn’t mean he had a family emergency, and it doesn’t mean he’s lying dead in the hospital. It means he simply didn’t want to call you. Why? Who cares! Next!

27. Always be direct with a man. Never use mixed signals. If you want to get what you want, don’t say “yes” when you mean “no” or “go ahead” when you mean “stay” or “I don’t mind” when you mean “don’t you dare.” Be a woman, damn it, not a silly little girl.

28. Every man is a pedophile to some degree. A man loves it when his woman acts like a baby and he loves her timidity, innocence and purity. Don’t mistake these characteristics for being “naïve, stupid, ignorant, weak and dependent” – men hate that.

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29. Men love a sexy, sultry, elegant woman who turns people’s heads when she walks into a room. Sometimes though, men prefer it if you wore no make up, a T-shirt with jeans and sneakers, and tied your hair in a ponytail. Simplicity is also nice.

30. Most men don’t mind if you’re short. They will mind if you’re fat though. When a man tells you that you just need to “work out at the gym,” that’s his polite way of telling you “you need to lose weight!” But – no man likes a scrawny, boney, semi-anorexic, breastless, butt-less, curve-less skeleton either.

31. When threatening to “unleash your inner b****” to a man, you are not intimidating him at all. Instead, he is a) disgusted, b) secretly laughing at you, or c) possibly not even listening to your empty threats and growling. On that note, a man hates a woman that loses her composure. Shouting and screaming is a big no-no. If you want to get your point across, think Al Pacino from the Godfather part I (not part III): calm and terrifying.

32. Men hate women’s drunken dramatic alter egos. Whether it’s aggressive, emotional, out of control, or plain weird, they just hate it. They especially hate it when they have to watch you vomit while holding your hair back – that’s your best friend’s job – at 16. At 26? Not so much . . .

33. Fact: Married men tend to have a longer life expectancy than single men, but married men are the ones more willing to die.

 

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Dear Sl*ts of Lebanon…

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Disclaimer: This is a rant – my angriest one yet – although ironically, I’m not angry at all… But, I guess there’s no better way to write this than by presenting a “below the belt” public service announcement to a horrible genre of women who need to be disciplined. I will not be reciting phrases from the Bible, nor will I be promoting world peace. If you find foul language offensive, this is not the blog for you, and you may move along to greener pastures. And as always, to those of you who are insecure little haters, please feel free to write sweet insults to me in the comments section. 

In the past three years, I’ve blogged about anything and everything imaginable, except the “home-wrecking ho”. After countless get-togethers with my girls, their girls and their girls, I’ve come to notice how the concept of friendship among women is slowly diminishing as we get older, and is being replaced with competitiveness – especially where men are related. To explain my point further and with more accuracy, we were all able to agree on one common point: we are just about sick and f***ing tired of stupid b****es who are obsessed with finding a man at any cost that they will blatantly and shamefully take a shot at any attempt to break up a happy couple.

They will lurk around any given relationship and wait like vultures to pounce on the next available man. God forbid these desperate sl*ts actually try finding an already single guy to call their own – but no – it doesn’t work that way. These lazy b****es have no time to waste, and are only drawn to what’s tried and tested. They firmly believe that if Ms. X was happy with Mr. X, then he must really have something special going on – and of course, the desperate vulture will no longer be able to resist f***ing off until she gets her share. It’s even sadder when her attempts are unreciprocated, yet she will continue stalking and groveling after the same guy for months because yes, she is that desperate and undesired. We all know these silly hoes don’t pose a threat to anyone, but neither do flies – and guess what? Flies are swatted because they’re f***ing annoying!

BUT, if a man does fall for those antics and gets tempted to cheat, leave or “get some space,” you may thank whatever higher power you believe in for revealing that he’s not one of the few good ones, and not waste a second more of your time on such a lost cause.

On that note, the very reason why men are almost always eager to return to singlehood, is because they know they’ll have 1001 desperate sl*ts, with no notion of any moral code, ready to pounce on them and their joysticks. Since these men don’t possess an ounce of quality in their bones, quality certainly won’t be what they’re looking for, let alone appreciate.

We all know that there are girls you fall for and girls you just f***, but the latter is really making life difficult for the rest of us. Nice girls are absolutely sick and tired of trying to explain to a man that:

  • 3 AM phone calls from crying, whiny, clingy b****es is wrong, nay, abnormal;
  • An ex “friend with benefits” who you’ve “benefited” in the past few months is not a friend;
  • A girl sending swimsuit photos and winks is in fact a horny sl** that wants you to slap her around in bed;

And that,

  • A stranger you met 3 days ago at a bar is not planning on being “just friends.”

This is just borderline retarded…
Men who need these things explained to them are just retarded!

So, to the retarded men out there, we all know you’re not actually stupid, so stop pretending to be f***tards and give us a break every once in a while. We are very aware of how precious your ego is to you – but get over yourselves already. This is getting really old, really fast.

And to the sl*ts of Lebanon and the world, I would like to say this:

First of all, we all know a sl** when we see one. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. We also know about all your sad attempts and strategies and laugh about them.

Second of all, you all need to enforce a strict female version of the “Bros before Hoes” rule – we can call it “Sisters before Misters.” It doesn’t matter if you know the girl or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re a desperate piece of sh*t who hasn’t gotten laid in months. It also doesn’t matter if you’re old, ugly and on the verge of releasing your last fertile egg. It’s very simple – being a man-thief is a BIG no-no. Why? Because you wouldn’t want another ho trying to steal your man – it is pure common sense. When a man is fresh out of a relationship, at least one of two people is broken – what kind of disgusting person would want to plunge herself into that equation?

So, why am I so angry? Why now? Because 1) I finally have 3 free hours to make this world a better place; and because 2)  in my 13 years of dating experience, I have never given the time of day to one guy who is 1) taken, or 2) fresh out of a breakup. In fact, I have always encouraged them to give it another chance or at least give themselves some time alone. Any good woman with a conscience would do the same. Any woman who has ever experienced heartache or betrayal would never forget how that felt, and would never try to be the cause of that to another woman. All I know is, there is a special place in hell for women that don’t help out other women, and that thought makes me all f***ing warm inside.

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In the Land of Lesbianon!

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As we grow older, and as more of our friends get married, we naturally become more aware of how “alone” and “single” we are, and tend to settle for the next best thing just so we don’t get left behind. I for one am content with being single, so long as I’m not stuck in a half-ass relationship with a slob who thinks that wiping urine off his toilet seat is “effort.” On the other hand, several of my single lady friends (and acquaintances) cannot seem to stop complaining about men (or lack thereof) – and this entails the following deep and philosophical questions:

1.       Why do I always fall for assholes?

Because you’re an asshole – to yourself. When you genuinely love someone, you can’t allow yourself to hurt or mistreat them. Now apply that to yourself. If you genuinely love yourself, you can’t allow anyone to hurt you or mistreat you; in order for them to do that, they need your permission. By letting a jerk hold your beautiful heart with his dirty hands, you’re asking for it, sister!

Here’s a scenario for you: A jerk-off tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship, calls you at 2 AM after a night out, asks you to come over because he misses you; you go to his place, expecting a deep, long discussion — what on earth are you thinking? First of all, why pick up in the first place? Let him go booty call his mother. Second of all, the only deep, long thing you’ll be getting is his sausage. Yes, you’re the asshole, not him.

2.       What has happened to men these days?

What has happened to women these days? Where are the women that know what they want, have self-respect, and don’t settle for less than what they deserve? If you want a gentleman with old school manners, be a lady – you’ll definitely stand out in this new generation of vulgar skanks. I’m tired of women who go after men that are in relationships, or women that are so easy – thanks to you bitches, men now think they can have it all without having to make the slightest effort. Since boys will be boys, they think “Why settle for one baby mama when I got all dem hoes on my peen like glue?” (For the record, I don’t know any normal guy that talks like that, but if I ever meet one, I will punch him in the stomach.) Nevertheless, the message is still the same.

3.       Where are the men these days?

They’re everywhere – depending on what you’re looking for. If on the other hand you mean, where’s the generous billionaire who will love and honor me above anyone and anything, you simply must reset your priorities. Start by reading a book or something, because you’re clearly quite ignorant and haven’t a clue on what life is about outside your pretty little head.

And by the way…

This PSA is to all you women who call themselves “gangsta” and “heartbreaker” and talk like a female version of Snoop Dogg (or Lion or whatever his current name is): if ladies become extinct in 50 years, it’s because of white trash like you. You may not be a ho, but you most certainly look and act like one – and you know what they say, “if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck…,” well, you get the point. Stop complaining about “men these days” – you lost your right to be selective the day you started bragging about how “badass” you are. Go grow yourself a penis.

4.       Are all the good men taken or gay?

Obviously, married men are always more appealing than single ones. Why? Because 1) that guy is perceived as someone with enough good qualities to get the girl (face it boys, this is the sad reality); and 2) we all want what we can’t have (rephrased: no one wants what everyone else can get). This in no way encourages you to be a home wrecking ho. There are many great guys left; gay and straight – enough for both the queens and princesses – but obsessively trying to find the last of the good ones by “doing/saying all the right things” won’t get you anywhere. It will just make you more hopeless and desperate. Instead, try searching for yourself. When you find the real “you,” maybe he will too (since he’s probably wondering where all the good women are as well).

5.        “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!”

Why? Because you’re single? Maybe you should start by asking yourself why that’s such a bad thing, then help yourself to a serving of GET OVER IT!

Almost two months ago, I was depressed about celebrating my 28th birthday, simply because it meant turning a year older – nothing more, nothing less. A “bright” girl I know gave me a pat on the shoulder then said, “Don’t worry – my sister got married at 29, after we had all lost hope. You still have a chance.”

BOOM!

My jaw dropped all the way down to her IQ level. I simply blinked at her in complete disbelief and focused on the unbearable humidity, in an eager attempt to distract myself with the one thing more offensive that the words she was uttering.

6.       Who am I going to marry? Will I ever get married?

Well, last time I checked my crystal ball, it said something about you marrying … no, being a moron.

This has to be my least favorite question of the bunch. I guess the fact that I tend to talk and philosophize a lot makes it seem that I hold the answers to the universe. Make no mistake, I am indeed a genius – but if I possessed psychic powers, I’d focus my energy on finding the next Google or Apple or Oprah to invest in – maybe a Gooprah: the answer to all women’s relationship problems.

7.       Why are there so many hoes?

Although I tend to use the word “ho” a lot, I don’t like it much; but it’s a briefer, more convenient way of saying: stupid, insecure, self-hating, fugly bitch that should be kicked in the face for being such a pain to exist with on the same planet. Anyway, cheap guys go for cheap girls – so let’s thank these hoes for existing – they act as a filter for other women by indentifying garbage and helping us avoid dirtying our hands with it.

Sorry boys, the “car fax” doesn’t just work on girls. You’re going to be judged by the girls you’ve loved, fucked and fondled for years to come … and no, being a “pimp” and a “man-whore” is not sexy anymore. That’s so 2001.Get with the times!

8.       Why do men love bitches?

Men love a smart woman who loves herself enough not to take shit from anyone. At the same time, she is honest, respectful and loving – to herself and others. This bitch is a lady – the hoes mentioned above are another genre of last year’s horse manure, who have given up on love, life and themselves. Please do not mistake the two.

At the end of the day, men are looking for the same thing as women — we’re all looking for that spark, and whoever denies it is a child. We all want a good challenge and an equally fulfilling trophy at the end. That is what the “game” is about (this is directed at you fools who pollute my ears with “I’m a hustler; a player; a gangsta.” STFU, please. I no longer have the patience for this at my age.

9.       Should I become a lesbian?

If you feel like it, sure. With the 7 to 1 female to male ratio in Lebanon, you have much higher chances of meeting someone. Just stop reminding me about how you’d be much happier and better off being a “lesbo” unless you want me to shove your face in the next woman’s coochie. In dire need of better conversations here, please – NEXT!

10.   Should I date that loser that was stalking me last year? Maybe he’s a nice guy…

Once again, if you think being single is that much of a punishment that you have to date an annoying worm that is mildly less annoying than a monkey with fleas, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship – ever! Because of desperation, I have lost countless girlfriends to men who they’d previously referred to as, “If he were the last man on earth, and the last sheep died, I’d make love to a tree.” Of course, being the way I am, I never ceased to remind them of how horrible their future husband is; thus being exiled from their lives because I’m “unsupportive.”  I’d like to take this opportunity to wish a couple of girls (you know who you are) the following: I hope you make it to your two-year anniversary. If you don’t, you can go fuck a log or a branch or something because I’m all out of I told you so.

In a nutshell, the cure to the chronic disease known as “Singlitis” is the following:

Be a ho. Catch a playa!

Yes, as if.

PS. I will resort to physical violence and (I repeat) punch the next person who talks like that in front of me. I support good diction – and no, that doesn’t mean “dick friction” as so crudely entered in UrbanDictionary.com by this new generation of morons!

Horrible…

Seriously though, it all comes down to this:

If you want a man to respect you, respect yourself first. If you want a man to love you, love yourself first. If you want something, be clear about it and act clearly upon that. If you want a gentleman, be a LADY first!

Or, become a lesbian.

So, since I’m such a wise preacher, why am I single? Because I’m a pedophile that likes molesting little boys.

No.

Let’s just say my last boyfriend raised the bar for everyone else out there. He was a reminder that Prince Charming does exist; that perfect man that each of us is looking for, he really is out there. But in order to be able to give and receive so much happiness without letting it scare you half to death, you have to be ready for it. I was able to find that, but I wasn’t ready and neither was he. This is why I am currently focused on improving myself; because to get the best I can get, I need to be the best I can be first. Next time around, I will be ready; but in the meantime, I won’t be wasting my time complaining, feeling sorry for myself or settling for Mr. Mediocre. As Carrie Bradshaw (SJP) once said, I “refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

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Marriage: Driving Single Ladies to Madness

bride wars marriage driving single women to madness La Wlooo!!!...Marriage: Driving Single Ladies to Madness

Remaining loyal to tradition (and as per popular demand), it’s that time of the year again when I write up a wedding-bashing ‘La Wlooo’ entry to remind you all of how miserable, bitter, alone and envious I am. Wedding season – as every year – is just around the corner. I’m even more excited this year because I’m a year older and two of my closest friends will be tying the knot in two months. It doesn’t really help that I’m turning 27 in a month and that I have 3 single friends left; it also doesn’t help that I’m Lebanese, living in Lebanon and coming from possibly the most closed-minded, judgmental town in the country, where every girl who is unmarried after 25 (or 22) is deemed infertile, ineligible or a whore. Shame on me; I am 3 years away from 30, and what have I accomplished? Nothing! Who cares about my career or about my goals? I don’t have a ring, a husband or a child.

Pressure.

Inversely, another two of my closest friends just got out of serious relationships. Seeing as to how society (family, friends, acquaintances) is frowning upon their mishaps, they are feeling hopeless, insecure and miserable. What if they never get married? What if they’re the only single girls left on the planet? Frick on a stick, what if their entire universe falls apart, because according to society, they can’t be happy without a husband? Mind you, these two girls have got it all, but that doesn’t matter; they are just a couple of years away from hitting 30 – and we all know what that means . . .

Pressure.

I was even foolish enough to think I had a supportive family that wouldn’t mind if I stayed single forever! “Don’t get married unless you’re 100% madly in love and unless you know he’s the right one. Take your time; no need to rush,” has been replaced with, “if you become too independent, you’ll never want a husband. I want a grandchild before I die. You’re not getting any younger. Stop being so difficult. Grow up!”

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So, I would like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all single women (and myself of course) who are perfectly fine with not running a marathon to land a husband, plan a big wedding and pop a kid out before the world ends (a.k.a. hitting 30). I would like to address everyone out there who’s ever asked, “Why aren’t you married yet?” and “Aren’t you planning on getting married?” and “When are you planning on getting married?” Frankly I’ve had enough, and I would like to logically answer these mindboggling, life-altering, “first world problem” questions once and for all so that the Marriage Squad will get me (and the rest of these single ladies) off their marriage-obsessed backs!

First of all, single women do not have the plague or the privilege of owning a crystal ball that predicts when a decent guy with the right qualities and chemistry comes along; and frankly, until then, it wouldn’t be logical to set a date and plan a darn wedding – because only the mentally ill would that. If crystal balls existed and if I could predict the future, I’m sure frogs that turned into princes would exist too – not to mention “happily ever after”, men that chase women all the way to the airport, dying for love (like those two idiots, Romeo and Juliet) and sappy love declarations over the microphone for the whole world to hear.
Not only do the above NOT exist, but if they did, I wouldn’t want any of it. But, since society is ridiculous enough with its demands, requests and insensitive inquisitions, maybe we should all start kissing frogs and drinking poison because our prince didn’t appear out of smoke. Makes sense.

Second of all, if a potential frog-prince did appear, it doesn’t mean he should be “the one” simply because he arrived at the “right time.” There’s no such thing as the “right time” or the “right person” or the” right place.” This type of sh** shouldn’t be planned. Those who plan it as if it were a business merger probably deserve the divorce they’re going to inevitably undergo.
I can’t imagine how boring it must be for those who get married because the other person seems right on paper; a life void of passion and excitement because adults are expected to be “logical” since feelings are just for children.
Why settle for the next guy just because “it’s time”? That sounds so scary; it sounds like something a serial killer would say right before he slices his victim in half. Why create a childish, unrealistic fairytale and then try to find a logical candidate to play the part of “husband”? A woman who is immature enough to do that certainly doesn’t have a clue what marriage is all about – you know, those 50 years that come after the wedding – which is why divorce rates are increasing so rapidly.

Which brings me to my next point . . .

Third of all, did you people forget that the marriage is not about the wedding? That is one day – one overrated day of your existence (or not, if you get remarried). I’m glad my friends who are getting married are smart enough to understand that – but too bad I can’t say the same for so many others who put more effort into planning their wedding than keeping their marriage together.  It spans beyond that happy wedding photo; it’s hard work. I am sorry to disappoint, but I have never had a childhood fantasy about a wedding dress or big fancy marriage ceremony – simply because I do not understand its purpose; toiling away for months just to please hundreds of people who will end up complaining anyway. This does not make me “emotionally immature” as some would claim.
On the other hand, I do look forward to eventually growing old with someone; but still, just the thought of sharing your life with another human – even when you’re both at your worst – is exhausting enough. You will be sharing a bed, a bathroom, a home, offspring, possibly a dog, most likely a joint bank account . . . and I’m expected to  figure all this sh** out and bite the bullet before I form my next wrinkle? I don’t like hearing, “well you should already have this figured out at this age.” Not everyone is programmed the same way, so you can understand my frustration when people pretend to know everything about the universe because they are clinging onto 70-year-old ideologies with dear life.

Fourth of all, and for the real shocker: I don’t really care if I’m not getting married anytime soon! Okay, so there are many girls out there who would give an arm and a leg to find a guy and be married by 2013, but there are others as well who genuinely do-not-care. I’m not saying I want to become a lesbian and join the feminist movement, no, I’m saying that I’m in no rush whatsoever – regardless of my frightfully old, nay, prehistoric age and the increasing scarcity of good men. I don’t give a flying damn if all those “eligible bachelors” end up going for the younger generation of women just because they’re still “young and fresh.” Yes people, I’ve heard that before. I’m guessing they’re referring to their reproductive organs – not to mention that such a “man” is just a couple of years away from hitting a midlife crisis. Why would  anyone want to be with such an immature, ignorant, shallow caveman? Please go marry a fetus by all means!
Moreover, the fact that I’m not desperately trying to find a husband doesn’t mean that I’m doing nothing with my life; it doesn’t mean I’ve succumbed to inaction. I have plans of my own; they may not involve producing an infant or marrying one, but they are still significant plans to me. So I do not appreciate hearing, “what have you done with your life so far?” as if I’ve been locked up in my cabin in the woods for 30 years with my 9 cats and 100 extra kilos of fat. How offensive!

bride nonconventional gown La Wlooo!!!...Marriage: Driving Single Ladies to MadnessFinally, as much as I find extravagant weddings and marriage contracts ridiculous, I still respect these traditions and don’t mock anyone for going through with them. In return, I’d like the Marriage Squad to respect my ideologies and leave me the frick alone. “You are now bound by contract” is the scariest sh** you can tell a person. Talk about adding pressure and high expectations to a union. Well, here’s what I think; I think people are too insecure to trust that the other person won’t leave them if there’s nothing legally binding them to stick around. If a person does end up leaving, its a result of their insecurity and immaturity. Signing a paper won’t change that. Marriage should be a state of mind, not a paper. I’d rather be living with someone who’s faithful to me for 20 years and have his bastard child than be legally bound to a man who cheats on me left and right. Am I not making sense here?

Once again, I’m not against marriage. I’m not going to struggle to get into one or to avoid one. What the heck – if it happens, it happens. It’s a societal norm and tradition that’s been pushed down our throats till we gagged, so I guess most of us are bound to end up there. But until then, I wish to not engage in any further discussions about this subject with anyone. The next time I feel someone is being nosy and pushy with me, I will not hesitate to push them down a flight of stairs. Twice.
Also, to those girls who are so darn obsessed about getting married, please chill the f*** out a little. It’ll happen eventually – maybe next year, maybe in 15 years. And if it doesn’t, so freakin’ what? Enjoy living; there are other things to life.
And as for those who got dumped or are still hanging onto a jerk that treats them badly because they fear they won’t find anyone else, seriously I can’t listen to this crap anymore. Stop sulking over someone who was willing to let you go or someone who treats you badly. You need to be with a person who will know your worth, treat you the way you deserve to be treated and stick around through the rough patches (and vice versa of course) – unless you want to suffer for the rest of your existence just so you can please society. I can’t conform to a sexist society that finds it acceptable for men to marry at 45, while women have an expiry date at 30.

Congratulations and good luck to all of you who are getting married over the next few months. May the gods of fertility, love and matrimony shower you with blessings everyday of your lives together. Every single day. All 18250 of them.
Seriously though, congratulations on finding your special someone.

“Life is what happens to you while youre busy making other plans.” John Lennon

 

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The Daily Rant: Stupid B****es That Piss Me Off!

Greetings, to the three or four people out there who are actually going to read this. Since it’s quite evident that my blog has become a neglected garbage dump where I can archive work that I write for other successful websites and blogs, I am attempting to revive it by writing up “The Daily Rant” since I’ve been falsely labeled the “Queen of Hate” on numerous occasions.

Not only will this grant me the chance to bore you with my daily drama, but it will serve as what could be an online diary, helping me to maintain my sanity in this crazy world we live in.

SO, here’s what I’d like to talk about today: Stupid b****es that piss me off!

If there’s one thing I hate above all, it’s giving advice to those who do not want to listen.

B**** I don’t even care about your problems. I’ve got enough of my own, so when you want to nag on my head for three hours and ask me what I think about the douchebag that’s treating you like crap, you better listen to me and do what I say. The reason I’m giving you advice is because you’re acting like an irrational b****, and I’m not. If you choose to ignore me, it’s fine . . . just don’t come crying to me in 8 months when you’re heartbroken, ‘cause 1) your heart ain’t broken or else you’d be dead instead of wondering what the hell went wrong, and 2) you wouldn’t be in this situation if you’d listened to me in the first place.

B**** here’s the thing: if you’re happy with your man to begin with, you wouldn’t go asking every friend, relative, duck and closet for advice on what to do. You wouldn’t be practicing your speeches in front of your bathroom mirror. You wouldn’t be wanting to vomit all over your breakfast because you’re wondering where he’s been for the past 72 hours. You simply wouldn’t be mildly contemplating suicide or making me want to voluntarily stab your face.
When you know that your man’s an a**hole and you continue accepting his a**hole behavior by giving him 78 chances to keep being an a**hole, you become the a**hole – and frankly I can’t deal with this sh** anymore.

It’s pure logic! I don’t understand these girls . . . and frankly, I don’t think I like them very much either! These are the girls that come and ask me for advice, harass me with questions and bore me with updates for days:
“He just called. How many times should I let it ring before I answer?”
“How many minutes should I wait before texting him back?”
“Waaaaaaaaaa, I miss my ex, I wish he was more like my ex…WHY did I break up with my ex, WHY?”
“He just drunk-sexted me at 1 am. Should I go over to his apartment?”
“I.can’t.take.it.any.more.waaaa.why.is.this.happening.to.me-e-e-e-e-eee?”
“He hasn’t made plans with me in 2 weeks. Maybe he thinks I don’t care anymore. Maybe I should call him 20 times instead of 10 today.”

WTF!

Then when things are better, they f***ing disappear! Not only do I feel used and abused, but if I ask her how it’s going with her douchebag, she will suspiciously smile at me and say, “great!” and if I dare tell her to be careful, she will snap at me and say, “You know, my boyfriend is an amazing guy! Why don’t you give him a chance?! Why are you always attacking him? Why can’t you see me happy?!”

Oh no you didn’t!!!

Well, at this point, I couldn’t care less about drama mama and her beloved bastard, and deep down in a very dark place in my soul, I start wishing that he dumps her (which he will, because he’s an a**hole and she’s an idiot).

To make a long story short, if you’re an annoying stupid b**** who’s a complete idiot when it comes to relationships and dating, spare your friends from your drama! You should probably stop watching high school rom-coms too because that sh** doesn’t happen in real life. Your love life will never come with a cheesy soundtrack and magical fireworks, and your guy certainly won’t be professing his undying love to you when he booty calls you at 2 am. The only thing he wants from you is a hug, on his penis, from your mouth – so wake the f*** up!

Anyway, in case one of the six of you that read this wants to be a holier-than-thou St. Theresa, spare me! Please don’t f***ing preach to me about how I’m such a bad person and how you’re such a first-class friend because you sadistically enjoy listening to human misery day in, day out. If you’re one of those fake ass goody two-shoes, I don’t care about how you won the “best friend of the year” award.

Also, don’t bother complaining about how I swear too much or how I’m so angry — this is a rant, not a prayer.

Have a brilliant day!
R

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Will You Marry Me?

will you marry me e1320693189675 La Wlooo!!!...Will You Marry Me?

I have realized that the dating scene in Lebanon is close to non-existent. I have been studying this behavior for the past ten years, and it’s almost always two scenarios:
a) the friends with benefits (a.k.a. the booty call)
b) the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship (a.k.a. soon-to-be husband and wife from day one)

I’m not here to change anyone’s tactics, but whatever happened to that period of time designated to getting to know the other person better before you take it to the next step and tell everyone you’re together? I’m talking about that phase called dating that could last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. I’ve been unfortunate enough to have met some horndogs who clearly just wanted a physical relationship, but that’s typical of a guy isn’t it? So it’s usually easy to snub these guys off and kindly ask them to rediscover the magical powers of their right hand. Life goes on.
BUT, what isn’t easy is coming across a guy who is totally clingy and wants to call you his “girlfriend” and possible future wife after 48 hours of meeting you. Yes, these “men” do exist . . .

Signs of a clingy man-gina:

Note that all of the following steps happen in the duration of four weeks or less.

The Encounter: He meets you on a Monday. He asks for your number and/or BB pin.  He calls you nonstop. By Wednesday he’s already called you 21 times. He even reports to you: “I just got home. I just left home. I just got to work. I just had lunch. I ate fassoulia . . . but I hate fassoulia . . . but my mom made it so I had to. What I do like is bazella w riz. I am going to nap. I just woke up. Let me tell you about my dream.”
STOP!
This is unacceptable behavior. Nothing is left to the imagination. I will go ahead and call this: harassment. It’s like a rule between couples in Lebanon: must report every detail. If you don’t, you’ll be labeled dishonest and incapable of committing to someone.

The Date: He takes you out on a date or two. The minute you lock lips, he doesn’t waste a minute to tell everyone you’re his girlfriend. In some cases, he may send you a relationship request on Facebook within the first two weeks to make sure it’s been appropriately declared to the entire galaxy.
This is basically the weakling’s way of making it known that you’re off the market. He wants you all to himself and wants no one else near you. You can no longer make plans with your friends without including him. God forbid you tell him to brace himself – or worse – that he’s not your boyfriend. He will give you attitude (like a girl), keep throwing hints at you (like a girl) and try to make you jealous (like a girl). In brief, he will turn into a full-fledged GIRL. He’s what we can refer to as “msharda2”.
As things progress at an unnatural pace, names on the phone should be changed to “Roger Hayete” and “Lara Habibi” with designated ringtones.
*Nausea*

The Friends: After asking everyone he knows about you (as though he’s buying a new car) and getting the 411 on everything related to your past, he will introduce you to all of his friends – all of them – granted that the carfax he gets is squeaky clean. He will ask his friends – in front of you – what they think about you because he’s too insecure to survive without society’s constant approval of his decisions and behavior. If you actually grow to like one of his friends, telling him “Hey I like Mark. He’s cool,” will only make him turn green with envy but he’ll “mask” it by telling you all sorts of ugly things about Mark so that no one robs him of his imaginary alpha male status.
It’s sad because he doesn’t know how ridiculous he sounds; he actually thinks he’s being smart. At this point you see right through his insecurities and potential menstruation possibilities. While you are disgusted, he’s already planning your wedding in the back of his mind.

The Male Friends: Your guy friends will be the object of his mystification. Whenever you tell him you’re going to have coffee with your male best friend, he gets that bewildered, stupefied, baffled, confused, perplexed expression on his face as he feels he’s being disrespected. It’s usually followed by a useless conversation like this:
Mr. Stupefied: “I like Ryan. He’s cool. So . . . how come you two never dated?”
You: “Because I consider him to be my brother as well as my best friend.”
Mr. Stupefied: “Ah. Oh. Ooh. Eh. I see. I just don’t believe in platonic friendship.”
You: “Is there a problem?”
Mr. Stupefied: (laughing and giggling retardedly) “No, no, no, noooo. Not at all.”
After telling him he’s insecure, he will look at you in disbelief as he tells you you’re the first person to ever tell him that, for he is known as the alpha male of his pack. We all have our dreams.

The Interrogation: He will find hypothetically intelligent ways to ask you about your sexual history.
Inspector Clouseau: “I love Usher’s new song.”
You: “Me too!”
Inspector Clouseau: “By the way, how many guys have you been with . . . umm, ohh, uuuhhh, you know, intimately?”
You: “Does it matter?”
Inspector Clouseau: “No, no, of course not! But it does in a way. I just think that three is more than enough. So, have you been with more than three?”
You: “Are you f***ing serious?”
Inspector Clouseau: “Ha Ha Haaa, I’m only kidding. But really now, how many?”
You: “HOW IS THAT EVEN RELEVANT?!

You see, he has a simple case of “I’m utterly retarded but I just haven’t realized it yet.”
One day.

The In-Laws: He’ll invite you to have lunch with his family (as a very official “what do you think of my new girlfriend” type of thing). You will witness their eyes on you at every instant. They will ask you a variety of questions that would indicate if you’d make a good life-long mate for their daughter son and bear healthy offspring. This means you should speak at least three languages, not smoke or drink (for a healthy uterus) and display good manners and values (which you will be passing down to your unborn children). There is no need to feel like you’re a frog being dissected. This is a normal move that your homo “boyfriend” does on every girl he dates. He’s actually offended that you haven’t done the same yet. He hints that he’d like to be invited for lunch. You pretend to be deaf. He keeps hinting for the next few weeks.

The Future: Yes, he talks about it a lot. He tells you about his career plans, his travels, where he’s planning on living, how many children he’s planning on having and what schools he wants them to go to. The not-so-subtle hints in his speech imply – nay, verify – that you are included in that future.
Psycho Husband-to-be: “I want to put my kids in a French school.”
You: “Oh. Good for you. I want to put mine in an English school.”
Psycho Husband-to-be: “WHAT?! NEVER! MY CHILDREN MUST LEARN THREE LANGUAGES!”
You: “What the f*** is your problem? You can pin tails on YOUR kids for all I care.”

To paint a clearer picture, he will send you a photo of him carrying a baby. As you find yourself wondering what the bloody point is, you realize he’s trying to sell you the “I’ll be a good father” image.
*Barf*
He may also show you his baby photos or tell you the 1001 tales of how he was a gorgeous child.
This is when you realize that his ovaries are aching for a fetus.

In less than two weeks, he’s already told you he loves you. He’s already made plans with you for the next 70 years; he’s already introduced you to every living soul he knows. He’s already put so many rules and conditions to bore, suffocate and choke you instead of enjoying what could have been a natural dating process.

At this point, you feel harassed, abused and suffocated. You have had enough and decide it’s time to set some ground rules. You explain to him that he needs to chill a little because he’s freaking you out. He is now offended on 56 different levels, and decides that you are immature and incapable of committing to a relationship. He makes you look like the weird person (because it’s only normal to make marriage plans after sharing one meal together).

I’m just sick and tired of hearing that all women are clingy, needy and obsessed with marriage. Last time I checked, the roles have kind of reversed and there are way too many twisted guys out there that have destroyed the notion of what a man should be like. I dedicate this week’s entry to all my girlfriends (and all the girls out there) who have had to tolerate such losers; you don’t need to accept this crap, because if the roles were reversed, they would have been running for the woods after date #2.

As for those women out there who appreciate and encourage this sort of behavior, I wonder if you’ve asked yourselves how much a man values you as a person if all he’s trying to do is mold you into his perfect trophy wife. Does he want to get married because it’s you that he loves? Or does he “love” you because you can fill up the spot of “wifey” in his distorted idea of a marriage? Think about it.

“Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.”

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Women’s Nine Deadly Words

angry woman relationship La Wlooo!!!...Womens Nine Deadly Words

In dire need of humor while procrastinating at work, I found myself browsing through thechive.com where I found something interesting about the deadly words that women say to men. The problem is, women are very expressive. We can talk for hours; talk and talk till we’re all talked out, and the more we talk the less men listen. When we are really in one of those moods, we are very brief and limit our self-expression to two words or less – just like men – except what we say is rarely ever what we mean. Men still don’t understand this because they are simple and direct.
I’d like to add my two cents to the nine deadly words I came across today, in hopes that I may contribute in facilitating the communication process between simple men and their complex women.

Fine: When a woman tells you “I’m fine” after you’ve ticked her off, be sure that in her head she’s already killed you 5 times. She is anything but fine. She is furious. She still wants to argue and she wants to make sure that you’re as crushed as she is before she feels fine.
Similarly, if you’ve made plans for a romantic getaway and decide to cancel last minute because you have some work to finish up or because your friend is flying into town, you will ask her if it’s okay that she stays home and she will respond with “fine”. You may kiss her on the forehead and hug her for being so supportive, but she’s not. You better find a way to make it up to her very fast or she will unleash all hell’s fury on you after her long talking hiatus.

Five Minutes: You’re going out for dinner. You reach her place and wait for her in the car to finish getting dressed. She tells you she needs five minutes. It means she probably just got out of the shower and is still drying her hair. Even if she’s ready and fully dressed, it’ll take her a while to stare at herself in the mirror, pick at her split ends, adjust her cleavage, re-think her choice of shoes, make sure her dress isn’t too long or too short and examine her butt for a good five minutes alone. This means, when she says “I need five minutes” you can safely conclude that she needs 20 to 40 more minutes.
Learn it, live it, love it.
Some men have made the mistake of leaving the girl’s house after a 10 minute wait to teach her a lesson. That is called “playing with fire.” She will snap at you with accusations of how you’re discourteous, inconsiderate and offensive (regardless of her making you wait half an hour). Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she will be the victim of disrespect no matter what.

Nothing: You know that something is wrong; you feel it in your bones. You must have done or said something that really pissed her off. This usually occurs in a public setting or at least in the presence of a third person. You ask her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing.” Usually “nothing” is followed by silence and if she acknowledges your presence, it’s usually with a very cold stare. The longer the silence, the bigger the argument. Prepare yourself. There’s usually no way out of this. If you choose to accept that nothing is wrong, she will find a way to blow it out of proportion and label you as insensitive and ignorant. If you keep asking, be ready to accept that you’ve done something wrong although you’ll be called an idiot for not know what your mistake was.

Go Ahead: She is not giving you her consent, she is testing you. If you want to do something like have dinner with your ex-girlfriend or go somewhere like a strip club with your friends, she’ll tell you “go ahead.” What she really means though is “don’t you f***ing dare!”
Of course, you will end up going. Be prepared to receive the cold shoulder for hours, maybe days. Expect for her to go on a girls’ night out and return home drunk at 5 am. If you express your disappointment towards her behavior, she’ll accuse you of having double standards. If you act indifferent about it, she’ll keep poking at you till you explode. Either way, you’re going to suffer till you repent.

Loud Sigh: This is usually expressed when there are no words for her to convey how much of a douche bag she thinks you are. In her head there are hundreds of insults flying around, all directed at you. The long sigh embodies the 685 insults in a graceful manner. This can happen at the beginning or ending of an argument when she realizes, “what am I doing with this idiot?”Of course since you’re oblivious to what this sigh really means, you’re only confirming to her that you are indeed, an idiot.

That’s Okay: You admit to doing something wrong, like lying to her. With a kind and understand smile she says, “That’s okay.” This is a code red. If you look hard enough you’ll notice the redness begin to form in her eyes and the veins starting to pop out of her neck. Days and weeks may pass before you realize that she has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get her revenge. Always remember that a woman can never be this calm when you do something to piss her off, and the natural balance of the universe will not be restored she releases the wrath of hell upon you.

Thanks: This can be genuine and sincere. Be warned of the undertone because there’s a thin line between sincerity and sarcasm. If she emphasizes her thank you, “Thanks a lot” you better know that she wants to murder you. The worst thing you can do at this point is say, “You’re welcome.” In this case, you’re either stupid, pretending to be stupid or just a full-fledged idiot. Either way, you’re not getting a “get out of jail free” card. She will make you suffer.

Whatever: This is the crème de la crème of the deadly words. When a woman says this, it means she can’t be bothered to argue. When a woman reaches the point where she finds it useless to get angry or nag or argue or prove a point or solve a problem, it means your stupidity has killed every last ounce of passion in the relationship. Of course, she will still hope that you get raped by a herd of mad goats, stomped by them, and then grovel in the dirt till you get second degree burns from the sun until you rot.

Don’t worry, I got it: This comes after she has asked you to do something several times, but ends up doing it herself. Of course, she will then give you the cold shoulder after which you’ll ask her what’s wrong. She’ll say “nothing” followed by an argument, followed by a “that’s okay” followed by a loud sigh after which you’ll do something to make up for it, to which she’ll say “thanks”. Whatever you do, her mindset will be “too little, too late.”

I’m not saying women are melodramatic beings who hold grudges and seek revenge because we’re operated by malevolence. I’m also not saying men are ignorant buffoons that wouldn’t know right from wrong if it hit them on the head. I’m just surprised we can get along at all, but it’s our differences that make it all so fascinating.

“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” Oscar Wilde

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