33 Things You Didn’t Know About Men

I originally wrote and published this in March 2011. Much has changed since then; much hasn’t.. Enjoy!

1. Men don’t like snobs. And no, they don’t like snobby behavior either. Why? They interpret it as rejection and bad manners. Remember, there’s a big difference between having that sexy self-confidence and that turn-off, holier-than-thou attitude.

2. Men of quality will choose a neat and presentable girl over a good-looking girl any day. There’s no point in dating a Gisele look-alike if she’s dressed like a hooker. That being said, yes, your man will enjoy you being the biggest b**** in bed, but you better be a lady in public. Men take no pride in boasting a hooker look-alike girlfriend. For starters, his friends will either make fun of him or make jokes about banging her. That’s not flattering for either of you.

3. Stop worrying about your silly tick or your wide hips or split ends or small breasts; and most importantly stop bringing attention to them. When a man really likes you, he’ll ignore your trivial bad characteristics.
But,
4. Never underestimate a man’s attention to detail. If you have Sasquatch toes, he’ll run away. If you have hairy arms, armpits or upper lip, he’ll run away. If you have crooked, homeless guy teeth, he’ll run away. If you have bad breath that smells like a bird flew into your mouth and died, he’ll run away. And although some women may tolerate some body odor on men, it doesn’t work the other way around. If you smell bad, your man will run away. Men love the sweet smell of a woman’s skin and hair so make sure you don’t smell like rotting onions that have been roasting under the sun for weeks!

5. Yes, women hate it when men compare them to their mothers; but oddly enough, a man is attracted to a woman that reminds him of his mother (think: Oedipus). So, if you feel his mom is an evil b****, it’s highly likely you’re an evil b**** as well. Embrace it instead of trying to pick at it. Why? Because men love their moms.

6. Keep in mind that:
Men cry too, they just don’t make a dramatic Shakespearean show out of it like women do.
A man can be infatuated by you for five minutes, then forget you for the remainder of his existence.
Men can go crazy over a woman’s smile.
When a man tells you he doesn’t understand you, it’s because you’re not thinking the way he is.
Whether he’s lazy or super hard-working, every man has dreams bigger than his ego. And we all know how big a man’s ego is, so don’t crap all over his dreams.
When a guy keeps teasing you, it means he’s into you. Not much has changed since kindergarten.  

7. Never underestimate or question a man’s ability or power. Whether he’s driving around trying to find that new restaurant, or trying to fix your phone or his TV set, never tell him: “you don’t know what you’re doing.” Instead, smile and be his co-pilot or partner in crime. Once again, mind the ego.

8. Men are self-conscious about their weight too. They don’t like having a beer belly or those extra love handles, so don’t squeeze them and say “oh how cute!!” No man wants to be your teddy bear, he wants to be your beast and rock your world. Again, with the ego.

9. A man can flirt around with 54 girls per day, but right before he goes to bed he only thinks about that one girl he truly cares about; whether it’s a girl he broke up with 7 years ago or his current lover or his best friend’s girl. It all comes down to that.

10. You’re not playing smart by telling a man: “Umm, you know what?  . . .  never mind, forget about it.” You’re not being a tease; you’re being a stupid child. He will most likely jump to a conclusion so far from what you were actually thinking . . . then hell may break loose. Remember that thing about the ego?

11. Never talk about your ex-boyfriends. Men hate it. Their imaginations will run wild too. On that note, when you tell a man you’re friendly with your Ex; his mind registers it as: “my Ex and I still hook up every now and then.”

12. When a man asks to meet your parents, don’t stop him. You never know, just a few months down the line, you could be begging him to meet your parents – and he’ll be refusing . . . this sh** tends to happen. A lot.

13. No girl likes an emotionless man. The key here is moderation, so don’t keep trying to provoke your man in order to get a reaction out of him. If he’s provoked enough, you’ll be getting much more than a heated temper (and no girl likes that either).

14. When a girl says “no” to a guy, he usually interprets it as “try again later.” When a girl says “yes,” he interprets it as “I want you to f*** me.” There’s no such thing as being too hard to get, but there is such a thing as being too accessible. Men don’t like accessible girls, they enjoy the thrill of the chase and prefer a girl that’s a challenge; someone who’s been unattainable to the guys before him.

15. Although they will deny this, men are even bigger and worse gossipers than women. They have the power to spread a story across the face of the earth faster than a woman can put her shirt back on.

16. It’s smart thinking to test a guy before you can believe and trust him, but make sure that doesn’t go on for too long. Distrust on the longterm is interpreted as low self-esteem, and low self-esteem is a big turn off for any man.

17. When a man has had a rough day, he’d rather be left alone to lick his wounds (caveman style). If you’re privileged enough, he will share his problems with you. Don’t nag, don’t philosophize, don’t give advice and don’t breathe. Just listen to him and be there for him. Be quiet for once.

18. Although they may not show it, it’s super f***ing hard for a guy to move on and let go of his girlfriend after a breakup; especially if they’ve been together for over 2 years.

19. During Courtship:
If a girl really makes a guy suffer, it would be tremendously hard for him to let go of her.
Men are willing to do anything to capture the attention of a girl they really like.

20. If your relationship is serious, it is more likely that the man loves you more than you love him; so even if a man tells you he loves you once every 34 months, there’s no need slit your wrists. It still means he loves you. Instead, try focusing on his actions, not his words.

21. Never dig into your man’s personal belongings without asking first. Whether it’s his phone, laptop, sock drawer or anything that’s his; if you’re looking to find something bad, you definitely will – and honey, your prying nose ain’t gonna like it. We all have a history. Accept that he does too and focus on other more important things, like why you’re such an insecure and nosy little b****.

That being said . . .

22. Don’t open Pandora’s Box unless you’re ready to face the consequences. Also, if you snoop around, don’t tell him or he’ll a) lose respect for you or b) begin snooping through your phone every single day just to spite you.

23. Men hate it when their woman is wearing too much make up. Men also hate it when a woman’s hair is full-on coiffed with half a bottle of hairspray squirted into it. Men like to run their fingers through your soft hair without requiring a wrench to pull their hand out of your head. They also like to play with your face and kiss your cheeks without hearing “eeeeek! you’re ruining my make up!” men interpret excess make up as a) a clown at a circus or b) hooker in a brothel.

24. Even if they don’t admit it, men do not appreciate it when they buy you a 2,000 dollar gift then receive a 200 dollar gift from you. That spells: G-O-L-D-D-I-G-G-E-R! It also says you’re an ungrateful person who believes she is entitled to receiving without giving back. If you can’t afford buying him something close to that value, don’t accept his gift in the first place.

25. When you want to “teach” your man something, do it in private. In public, they must appear to know everything. On that note, never try to emasculate your man in front of his friends or family; he will hate you for that. His friends will hate you for that. His family will hate you for that. They will all encourage him to leave you. Unless he’s completely whipped, he will most likely, eventually leave you.

26. If a man says “I’ll call you” and he doesn’t, it doesn’t mean he forgot, it doesn’t mean he lost your number, it doesn’t mean he had a family emergency, and it doesn’t mean he’s lying dead in the hospital. It means he simply didn’t want to call you. Why? Who cares! Next!

27. Always be direct with a man. Never use mixed signals. If you want to get what you want, don’t say “yes” when you mean “no” or “go ahead” when you mean “stay” or “I don’t mind” when you mean “don’t you dare.” Be a woman, damn it, not a silly little girl.

28. Every man is a pedophile to some degree. A man loves it when his woman acts like a baby and he loves her timidity, innocence and purity. Don’t mistake these characteristics for being “naïve, stupid, ignorant, weak and dependent” – men hate that.

29. Men love a sexy, sultry, elegant woman who turns people’s heads when she walks into a room. Sometimes though, men prefer it if you wore no make up, a T-shirt with jeans and sneakers, and tied your hair in a ponytail. Simplicity is also nice.

30. Most men don’t mind if you’re short. They will mind if you’re fat though. When a man tells you that you just need to “work out at the gym,” that’s his polite way of telling you “you need to lose weight!” But – no man likes a scrawny, boney, semi-anorexic, breastless, butt-less, curve-less skeleton either.

31. When threatening to “unleash your inner b****” to a man, you are not intimidating him at all. Instead, he is a) disgusted, b) secretly laughing at you, or c) possibly not even listening to your empty threats and growling. On that note, a man hates a woman that loses her composure. Shouting and screaming is a big no-no. If you want to get your point across, think Al Pacino from the Godfather part I (not part III): calm and terrifying.

32. Men hate women’s drunken dramatic alter egos. Whether it’s aggressive, emotional, out of control, or plain weird, they just hate it. They especially hate it when they have to watch you vomit while holding your hair back – that’s your best friend’s job – at 16. At 26? Not so much . . .

33. Fact: Married men tend to have a longer life expectancy than single men, but married men are the ones more willing to die.

 

Dear Sl*ts of Lebanon…

Disclaimer: This is a rant – my angriest one yet – although ironically, I’m not angry at all… But, I guess there’s no better way to write this than by presenting a “below the belt” public service announcement to a horrible genre of women who need to be disciplined. I will not be reciting phrases from the Bible, nor will I be promoting world peace. If you find foul language offensive, this is not the blog for you, and you may move along to greener pastures. And as always, to those of you who are insecure little haters, please feel free to write sweet insults to me in the comments section. 

In the past three years, I’ve blogged about anything and everything imaginable, except the “home-wrecking ho”. After countless get-togethers with my girls, their girls and their girls, I’ve come to notice how the concept of friendship among women is slowly diminishing as we get older, and is being replaced with competitiveness – especially where men are related. To explain my point further and with more accuracy, we were all able to agree on one common point: we are just about sick and f***ing tired of stupid b****es who are obsessed with finding a man at any cost that they will blatantly and shamefully take a shot at any attempt to break up a happy couple.

They will lurk around any given relationship and wait like vultures to pounce on the next available man. God forbid these desperate sl*ts actually try finding an already single guy to call their own – but no – it doesn’t work that way. These lazy b****es have no time to waste, and are only drawn to what’s tried and tested. They firmly believe that if Ms. X was happy with Mr. X, then he must really have something special going on – and of course, the desperate vulture will no longer be able to resist f***ing off until she gets her share. It’s even sadder when her attempts are unreciprocated, yet she will continue stalking and groveling after the same guy for months because yes, she is that desperate and undesired. We all know these silly hoes don’t pose a threat to anyone, but neither do flies – and guess what? Flies are swatted because they’re f***ing annoying!

BUT, if a man does fall for those antics and gets tempted to cheat, leave or “get some space,” you may thank whatever higher power you believe in for revealing that he’s not one of the few good ones, and not waste a second more of your time on such a lost cause.

On that note, the very reason why men are almost always eager to return to singlehood, is because they know they’ll have 1001 desperate sl*ts, with no notion of any moral code, ready to pounce on them and their joysticks. Since these men don’t possess an ounce of quality in their bones, quality certainly won’t be what they’re looking for, let alone appreciate.

We all know that there are girls you fall for and girls you just f***, but the latter is really making life difficult for the rest of us. Nice girls are absolutely sick and tired of trying to explain to a man that:

• 3 AM phone calls from crying, whiny, clingy b****es is wrong, nay, abnormal;
• An ex “friend with benefits” who you’ve “benefited” in the past few months is not a friend;
• A girl sending swimsuit photos and winks is in fact a horny sl** that wants you to slap her around in bed;

And that,

• A stranger you met 3 days ago at a bar is not planning on being “just friends.”

This is just borderline retarded…
Men who need these things explained to them are just retarded!

So, to the retarded men out there, we all know you’re not actually stupid, so stop pretending to be f***tards and give us a break every once in a while. We are very aware of how precious your ego is to you – but get over yourselves already. This is getting really old, really fast.

And to the sl*ts of Lebanon and the world, I would like to say this:

First of all, we all know a sl** when we see one. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. We also know about all your sad attempts and strategies and laugh about them.

Second of all, you all need to enforce a strict female version of the “Bros before Hoes” rule – we can call it “Sisters before Misters.” It doesn’t matter if you know the girl or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re a desperate piece of sh*t who hasn’t gotten laid in months. It also doesn’t matter if you’re old, ugly and on the verge of releasing your last fertile egg. It’s very simple – being a man-thief is a BIG no-no. Why? Because you wouldn’t want another ho trying to steal your man – it is pure common sense. When a man is fresh out of a relationship, at least one of two people is broken – what kind of disgusting person would want to plunge herself into that equation?

So, why am I so angry? Why now? Because 1) I finally have 3 free hours to make this world a better place; and because 2)  in my 13 years of dating experience, I have never given the time of day to one guy who is 1) taken, or 2) fresh out of a breakup. In fact, I have always encouraged them to give it another chance or at least give themselves some time alone. Any good woman with a conscience would do the same. Any woman who has ever experienced heartache or betrayal would never forget how that felt, and would never try to be the cause of that to another woman. All I know is, there is a special place in hell for women that don’t help out other women, and that thought makes me all f***ing warm inside.

In the Land of Lesbianon!

As we grow older, and as more of our friends get married, we naturally become more aware of how “alone” and “single” we are, and tend to settle for the next best thing just so we don’t get left behind. I for one am content with being single, so long as I’m not stuck in a half-ass relationship with a slob who thinks that wiping urine off his toilet seat is “effort.” On the other hand, several of my single lady friends (and acquaintances) cannot seem to stop complaining about men (or lack thereof) – and this entails the following deep and philosophical questions:

1.       Why do I always fall for assholes?

Because you’re an asshole – to yourself. When you genuinely love someone, you can’t allow yourself to hurt or mistreat them. Now apply that to yourself. If you genuinely love yourself, you can’t allow anyone to hurt you or mistreat you; in order for them to do that, they need your permission. By letting a jerk hold your beautiful heart with his dirty hands, you’re asking for it, sister!

Here’s a scenario for you: A jerk-off tells you that he doesn’t want a relationship, calls you at 2 AM after a night out, asks you to come over because he misses you; you go to his place, expecting a deep, long discussion — what on earth are you thinking? First of all, why pick up in the first place? Let him go booty call his mother. Second of all, the only deep, long thing you’ll be getting is his sausage. Yes, you’re the asshole, not him.

2.       What has happened to men these days?

What has happened to women these days? Where are the women that know what they want, have self-respect, and don’t settle for less than what they deserve? If you want a gentleman with old school manners, be a lady – you’ll definitely stand out in this new generation of vulgar skanks. I’m tired of women who go after men that are in relationships, or women that are so easy – thanks to you bitches, men now think they can have it all without having to make the slightest effort. Since boys will be boys, they think “Why settle for one baby mama when I got all dem hoes on my peen like glue?” (For the record, I don’t know any normal guy that talks like that, but if I ever meet one, I will punch him in the stomach.) Nevertheless, the message is still the same.

3.       Where are the men these days?

They’re everywhere – depending on what you’re looking for. If on the other hand you mean, where’s the generous billionaire who will love and honor me above anyone and anything, you simply must reset your priorities. Start by reading a book or something, because you’re clearly quite ignorant and haven’t a clue on what life is about outside your pretty little head.

And by the way…

This PSA is to all you women who call themselves “gangsta” and “heartbreaker” and talk like a female version of Snoop Dogg (or Lion or whatever his current name is): if ladies become extinct in 50 years, it’s because of white trash like you. You may not be a ho, but you most certainly look and act like one – and you know what they say, “if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck…,” well, you get the point. Stop complaining about “men these days” – you lost your right to be selective the day you started bragging about how “badass” you are. Go grow yourself a penis.

4.       Are all the good men taken or gay?

Obviously, married men are always more appealing than single ones. Why? Because 1) that guy is perceived as someone with enough good qualities to get the girl (face it boys, this is the sad reality); and 2) we all want what we can’t have (rephrased: no one wants what everyone else can get). This in no way encourages you to be a home wrecking ho. There are many great guys left; gay and straight – enough for both the queens and princesses – but obsessively trying to find the last of the good ones by “doing/saying all the right things” won’t get you anywhere. It will just make you more hopeless and desperate. Instead, try searching for yourself. When you find the real “you,” maybe he will too (since he’s probably wondering where all the good women are as well).

5.        “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?!”

Why? Because you’re single? Maybe you should start by asking yourself why that’s such a bad thing, then help yourself to a serving of GET OVER IT!

Almost two months ago, I was depressed about celebrating my 28^th birthday, simply because it meant turning a year older – nothing more, nothing less. A “bright” girl I know gave me a pat on the shoulder then said, “Don’t worry – my sister got married at 29, after we had all lost hope. You still have a chance.”

BOOM!

My jaw dropped all the way down to her IQ level. I simply blinked at her in complete disbelief and focused on the unbearable humidity, in an eager attempt to distract myself with the one thing more offensive that the words she was uttering.

6.       Who am I going to marry? Will I ever get married?

Well, last time I checked my crystal ball, it said something about you marrying … no, being a moron.

This has to be my least favorite question of the bunch. I guess the fact that I tend to talk and philosophize a lot makes it seem that I hold the answers to the universe. Make no mistake, I am indeed a genius – but if I possessed psychic powers, I’d focus my energy on finding the next Google or Apple or Oprah to invest in – maybe a Gooprah: the answer to all women’s relationship problems.

7.       Why are there so many hoes?

Although I tend to use the word “ho” a lot, I don’t like it much; but it’s a briefer, more convenient way of saying: stupid, insecure, self-hating, fugly bitch that should be kicked in the face for being such a pain to exist with on the same planet. Anyway, cheap guys go for cheap girls – so let’s thank these hoes for existing – they act as a filter for other women by indentifying garbage and helping us avoid dirtying our hands with it.

Sorry boys, the “car fax” doesn’t just work on girls. You’re going to be judged by the girls you’ve loved, fucked and fondled for years to come … and no, being a “pimp” and a “man-whore” is not sexy anymore. That’s so 2001.Get with the times!

8.       Why do men love bitches?

Men love a smart woman who loves herself enough not to take shit from anyone. At the same time, she is honest, respectful and loving – to herself and others. This bitch is a lady – the hoes mentioned above are another genre of last year’s horse manure, who have given up on love, life and themselves. Please do not mistake the two.

At the end of the day, men are looking for the same thing as women — we’re all looking for that spark, and whoever denies it is a child. We all want a good challenge and an equally fulfilling trophy at the end. That is what the “game” is about (this is directed at you fools who pollute my ears with “I’m a hustler; a player; a gangsta.” STFU, please. I no longer have the patience for this at my age.

9.       Should I become a lesbian?

If you feel like it, sure. With the 7 to 1 female to male ratio in Lebanon, you have much higher chances of meeting someone. Just stop reminding me about how you’d be much happier and better off being a “lesbo” unless you want me to shove your face in the next woman’s coochie. In dire need of better conversations here, please – NEXT!

10.   Should I date that loser that was stalking me last year? Maybe he’s a nice guy…

Once again, if you think being single is that much of a punishment that you have to date an annoying worm that is mildly less annoying than a monkey with fleas, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship – ever! Because of desperation, I have lost countless girlfriends to men who they’d previously referred to as, “If he were the last man on earth, and the last sheep died, I’d make love to a tree.” Of course, being the way I am, I never ceased to remind them of how horrible their future husband is; thus being exiled from their lives because I’m “unsupportive.”  I’d like to take this opportunity to wish a couple of girls (you know who you are) the following: I hope you make it to your two-year anniversary. If you don’t, you can go fuck a log or a branch or something because I’m all out of I told you so.

In a nutshell, the cure to the chronic disease known as “Singlitis” is the following:

Be a ho. Catch a playa!

Yes, as if.

PS. I will resort to physical violence and (I repeat) punch the next person who talks like that in front of me. I support good diction – and no, that doesn’t mean “dick friction” as so crudely entered in UrbanDictionary.com by this new generation of morons!

Horrible…

Seriously though, it all comes down to this:

If you want a man to respect you, respect yourself first. If you want a man to love you, love yourself first. If you want something, be clear about it and act clearly upon that. If you want a gentleman, be a LADY first!

Or, become a lesbian.

So, since I’m such a wise preacher, why am I single? Because I’m a pedophile that likes molesting little boys.

No.

Let’s just say my last boyfriend raised the bar for everyone else out there. He was a reminder that Prince Charming does exist; that perfect man that each of us is looking for, he really is out there. But in order to be able to give and receive so much happiness without letting it scare you half to death, you have to be ready for it. I was able to find that, but I wasn’t ready and neither was he. This is why I am currently focused on improving myself; because to get the best I can get, I need to be the best I can be first. Next time around, I will be ready; but in the meantime, I won’t be wasting my time complaining, feeling sorry for myself or settling for Mr. Mediocre. As Carrie Bradshaw (SJP) once said, I “refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”

Marriage: Driving Single Ladies to Madness

Remaining loyal to tradition (and as per popular demand), it’s that time of the year again when I write up a wedding-bashing ‘La Wlooo’ entry to remind you all of how miserable, bitter, alone and envious I am. Wedding season – as every year – is just around the corner. I’m even more excited this year because I’m a year older and two of my closest friends will be tying the knot in two months. It doesn’t really help that I’m turning 27 in a month and that I have 3 single friends left; it also doesn’t help that I’m Lebanese, living in Lebanon and coming from possibly the most closed-minded, judgmental town in the country, where every girl who is unmarried after 25 (or 22) is deemed infertile, ineligible or a whore. Shame on me; I am 3 years away from 30, and what have I accomplished? Nothing! Who cares about my career or about my goals? I don’t have a ring, a husband or a child.

Pressure.

Inversely, another two of my closest friends just got out of serious relationships. Seeing as to how society (family, friends, acquaintances) is frowning upon their mishaps, they are feeling hopeless, insecure and miserable. What if they never get married? What if they’re the only single girls left on the planet? Frick on a stick, what if their entire universe falls apart, because according to society, they can’t be happy without a husband? Mind you, these two girls have got it all, but that doesn’t matter; they are just a couple of years away from hitting 30 – and we all know what that means . . .

Pressure.

I was even foolish enough to think I had a supportive family that wouldn’t mind if I stayed single forever! “Don’t get married unless you’re 100% madly in love and unless you know he’s the right one. Take your time; no need to rush,” has been replaced with, “if you become too independent, you’ll never want a husband. I want a grandchild before I die. You’re not getting any younger. Stop being so difficult. Grow up!”

Pressure.

So, I would like to take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all single women (and myself of course) who are perfectly fine with not running a marathon to land a husband, plan a big wedding and pop a kid out before the world ends (a.k.a. hitting 30). I would like to address everyone out there who’s ever asked, “Why aren’t you married yet?” and “Aren’t you planning on getting married?” and “When are you planning on getting married?” Frankly I’ve had enough, and I would like to logically answer these mindboggling, life-altering, “first world problem” questions once and for all so that the Marriage Squad will get me (and the rest of these single ladies) off their marriage-obsessed backs!

First of all, single women do not have the plague or the privilege of owning a crystal ball that predicts when a decent guy with the right qualities and chemistry comes along; and frankly, until then, it wouldn’t be logical to set a date and plan a darn wedding – because only the mentally ill would that. If crystal balls existed and if I could predict the future, I’m sure frogs that turned into princes would exist too – not to mention “happily ever after”, men that chase women all the way to the airport, dying for love (like those two idiots, Romeo and Juliet) and sappy love declarations over the microphone for the whole world to hear.
Not only do the above NOT exist, but if they did, I wouldn’t want any of it. But, since society is ridiculous enough with its demands, requests and insensitive inquisitions, maybe we should all start kissing frogs and drinking poison because our prince didn’t appear out of smoke. Makes sense.

Second of all, if a potential frog-prince did appear, it doesn’t mean he should be “the one” simply because he arrived at the “right time.” There’s no such thing as the “right time” or the “right person” or the” right place.” This type of sh** shouldn’t be planned. Those who plan it as if it were a business merger probably deserve the divorce they’re going to inevitably undergo.
I can’t imagine how boring it must be for those who get married because the other person seems right on paper; a life void of passion and excitement because adults are expected to be “logical” since feelings are just for children.
Why settle for the next guy just because “it’s time”? That sounds so scary; it sounds like something a serial killer would say right before he slices his victim in half. Why create a childish, unrealistic fairytale and then try to find a logical candidate to play the part of “husband”? A woman who is immature enough to do that certainly doesn’t have a clue what marriage is all about – you know, those 50 years that come after the wedding – which is why divorce rates are increasing so rapidly.

Which brings me to my next point . . .

Third of all, did you people forget that the marriage is not about the wedding? That is one day – one overrated day of your existence (or not, if you get remarried). I’m glad my friends who are getting married are smart enough to understand that – but too bad I can’t say the same for so many others who put more effort into planning their wedding than keeping their marriage together.  It spans beyond that happy wedding photo; it’s hard work. I am sorry to disappoint, but I have never had a childhood fantasy about a wedding dress or big fancy marriage ceremony – simply because I do not understand its purpose; toiling away for months just to please hundreds of people who will end up complaining anyway. This does not make me “emotionally immature” as some would claim.
On the other hand, I do look forward to eventually growing old with someone; but still, just the thought of sharing your life with another human – even when you’re both at your worst – is exhausting enough. You will be sharing a bed, a bathroom, a home, offspring, possibly a dog, most likely a joint bank account . . . and I’m expected to  figure all this sh** out and bite the bullet before I form my next wrinkle? I don’t like hearing, “well you should already have this figured out at this age.” Not everyone is programmed the same way, so you can understand my frustration when people pretend to know everything about the universe because they are clinging onto 70-year-old ideologies with dear life.

Fourth of all, and for the real shocker: I don’t really care if I’m not getting married anytime soon! Okay, so there are many girls out there who would give an arm and a leg to find a guy and be married by 2013, but there are others as well who genuinely do-not-care. I’m not saying I want to become a lesbian and join the feminist movement, no, I’m saying that I’m in no rush whatsoever – regardless of my frightfully old, nay, prehistoric age and the increasing scarcity of good men. I don’t give a flying damn if all those “eligible bachelors” end up going for the younger generation of women just because they’re still “young and fresh.” Yes people, I’ve heard that before. I’m guessing they’re referring to their reproductive organs – not to mention that such a “man” is just a couple of years away from hitting a midlife crisis. Why would  anyone want to be with such an immature, ignorant, shallow caveman? Please go marry a fetus by all means!
Moreover, the fact that I’m not desperately trying to find a husband doesn’t mean that I’m doing nothing with my life; it doesn’t mean I’ve succumbed to inaction. I have plans of my own; they may not involve producing an infant or marrying one, but they are still significant plans to me. So I do not appreciate hearing, “what have you done with your life so far?” as if I’ve been locked up in my cabin in the woods for 30 years with my 9 cats and 100 extra kilos of fat. How offensive!

Finally, as much as I find extravagant weddings and marriage contracts ridiculous, I still respect these traditions and don’t mock anyone for going through with them. In return, I’d like the Marriage Squad to respect my ideologies and leave me the frick alone. “You are now bound by contract” is the scariest sh** you can tell a person. Talk about adding pressure and high expectations to a union. Well, here’s what I think; I think people are too insecure to trust that the other person won’t leave them if there’s nothing legally binding them to stick around. If a person does end up leaving, its a result of their insecurity and immaturity. Signing a paper won’t change that. Marriage should be a state of mind, not a paper. I’d rather be living with someone who’s faithful to me for 20 years and have his bastard child than be legally bound to a man who cheats on me left and right. Am I not making sense here?

Once again, I’m not against marriage. I’m not going to struggle to get into one or to avoid one. What the heck – if it happens, it happens. It’s a societal norm and tradition that’s been pushed down our throats till we gagged, so I guess most of us are bound to end up there. But until then, I wish to not engage in any further discussions about this subject with anyone. The next time I feel someone is being nosy and pushy with me, I will not hesitate to push them down a flight of stairs. Twice.
Also, to those girls who are so darn obsessed about getting married, please chill the f*** out a little. It’ll happen eventually – maybe next year, maybe in 15 years. And if it doesn’t, so freakin’ what? Enjoy living; there are other things to life.
And as for those who got dumped or are still hanging onto a jerk that treats them badly because they fear they won’t find anyone else, seriously I can’t listen to this crap anymore. Stop sulking over someone who was willing to let you go or someone who treats you badly. You need to be with a person who will know your worth, treat you the way you deserve to be treated and stick around through the rough patches (and vice versa of course) – unless you want to suffer for the rest of your existence just so you can please society. I can’t conform to a sexist society that finds it acceptable for men to marry at 45, while women have an expiry date at 30.

Congratulations and good luck to all of you who are getting married over the next few months. May the gods of fertility, love and matrimony shower you with blessings everyday of your lives together. Every single day. All 18250 of them.
Seriously though, congratulations on finding your special someone.

“Life is what happens to you while you‘re busy making other plans.” John Lennon

 

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The Daily Rant: Stupid B****es That Piss Me Off!

Greetings, to the three or four people out there who are actually going to read this. Since it’s quite evident that my blog has become a neglected garbage dump where I can archive work that I write for other successful websites and blogs, I am attempting to revive it by writing up “The Daily Rant” since I’ve been falsely labeled the “Queen of Hate” on numerous occasions.

Not only will this grant me the chance to bore you with my daily drama, but it will serve as what could be an online diary, helping me to maintain my sanity in this crazy world we live in.

SO, here’s what I’d like to talk about today: Stupid b****es that piss me off!

If there’s one thing I hate above all, it’s giving advice to those who do not want to listen.

B**** I don’t even care about your problems. I’ve got enough of my own, so when you want to nag on my head for three hours and ask me what I think about the douchebag that’s treating you like crap, you better listen to me and do what I say. The reason I’m giving you advice is because you’re acting like an irrational b****, and I’m not. If you choose to ignore me, it’s fine . . . just don’t come crying to me in 8 months when you’re heartbroken, ‘cause 1) your heart ain’t broken or else you’d be dead instead of wondering what the hell went wrong, and 2) you wouldn’t be in this situation if you’d listened to me in the first place.

B**** here’s the thing: if you’re happy with your man to begin with, you wouldn’t go asking every friend, relative, duck and closet for advice on what to do. You wouldn’t be practicing your speeches in front of your bathroom mirror. You wouldn’t be wanting to vomit all over your breakfast because you’re wondering where he’s been for the past 72 hours. You simply wouldn’t be mildly contemplating suicide or making me want to voluntarily stab your face.
When you know that your man’s an a**hole and you continue accepting his a**hole behavior by giving him 78 chances to keep being an a**hole, you become the a**hole – and frankly I can’t deal with this sh** anymore.

It’s pure logic! I don’t understand these girls . . . and frankly, I don’t think I like them very much either! These are the girls that come and ask me for advice, harass me with questions and bore me with updates for days:
“He just called. How many times should I let it ring before I answer?”
“How many minutes should I wait before texting him back?”
“Waaaaaaaaaa, I miss my ex, I wish he was more like my ex…WHY did I break up with my ex, WHY?”
“He just drunk-sexted me at 1 am. Should I go over to his apartment?”
“I.can’t.take.it.any.more.waaaa.why.is.this.happening.to.me-e-e-e-e-eee?”
“He hasn’t made plans with me in 2 weeks. Maybe he thinks I don’t care anymore. Maybe I should call him 20 times instead of 10 today.”

WTF!

Then when things are better, they f***ing disappear! Not only do I feel used and abused, but if I ask her how it’s going with her douchebag, she will suspiciously smile at me and say, “great!” and if I dare tell her to be careful, she will snap at me and say, “You know, my boyfriend is an amazing guy! Why don’t you give him a chance?! Why are you always attacking him? Why can’t you see me happy?!”

Oh no you didn’t!!!

Well, at this point, I couldn’t care less about drama mama and her beloved bastard, and deep down in a very dark place in my soul, I start wishing that he dumps her (which he will, because he’s an a**hole and she’s an idiot).

To make a long story short, if you’re an annoying stupid b**** who’s a complete idiot when it comes to relationships and dating, spare your friends from your drama! You should probably stop watching high school rom-coms too because that sh** doesn’t happen in real life. Your love life will never come with a cheesy soundtrack and magical fireworks, and your guy certainly won’t be professing his undying love to you when he booty calls you at 2 am. The only thing he wants from you is a hug, on his penis, from your mouth – so wake the f*** up!

Anyway, in case one of the six of you that read this wants to be a holier-than-thou St. Theresa, spare me! Please don’t f***ing preach to me about how I’m such a bad person and how you’re such a first-class friend because you sadistically enjoy listening to human misery day in, day out. If you’re one of those fake ass goody two-shoes, I don’t care about how you won the “best friend of the year” award.

Also, don’t bother complaining about how I swear too much or how I’m so angry — this is a rant, not a prayer.

Have a brilliant day!
R

Will You Marry Me?

I have realized that the dating scene in Lebanon is close to non-existent. I have been studying this behavior for the past ten years, and it’s almost always two scenarios:
a) the friends with benefits (a.k.a. the booty call)
b) the girlfriend/boyfriend relationship (a.k.a. soon-to-be husband and wife from day one)

I’m not here to change anyone’s tactics, but whatever happened to that period of time designated to getting to know the other person better before you take it to the next step and tell everyone you’re together? I’m talking about that phase called dating that could last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. I’ve been unfortunate enough to have met some horndogs who clearly just wanted a physical relationship, but that’s typical of a guy isn’t it? So it’s usually easy to snub these guys off and kindly ask them to rediscover the magical powers of their right hand. Life goes on.
BUT, what isn’t easy is coming across a guy who is totally clingy and wants to call you his “girlfriend” and possible future wife after 48 hours of meeting you. Yes, these “men” do exist . . .

Signs of a clingy man-gina:

Note that all of the following steps happen in the duration of four weeks or less.

The Encounter: He meets you on a Monday. He asks for your number and/or BB pin.  He calls you nonstop. By Wednesday he’s already called you 21 times. He even reports to you: “I just got home. I just left home. I just got to work. I just had lunch. I ate fassoulia . . . but I hate fassoulia . . . but my mom made it so I had to. What I do like is bazella w riz. I am going to nap. I just woke up. Let me tell you about my dream.”
STOP!
This is unacceptable behavior. Nothing is left to the imagination. I will go ahead and call this: harassment. It’s like a rule between couples in Lebanon: must report every detail. If you don’t, you’ll be labeled dishonest and incapable of committing to someone.

The Date: He takes you out on a date or two. The minute you lock lips, he doesn’t waste a minute to tell everyone you’re his girlfriend. In some cases, he may send you a relationship request on Facebook within the first two weeks to make sure it’s been appropriately declared to the entire galaxy.
This is basically the weakling’s way of making it known that you’re off the market. He wants you all to himself and wants no one else near you. You can no longer make plans with your friends without including him. God forbid you tell him to brace himself – or worse – that he’s not your boyfriend. He will give you attitude (like a girl), keep throwing hints at you (like a girl) and try to make you jealous (like a girl). In brief, he will turn into a full-fledged GIRL. He’s what we can refer to as “msharda2”.
As things progress at an unnatural pace, names on the phone should be changed to “Roger Hayete” and “Lara Habibi” with designated ringtones.
*Nausea*

The Friends: After asking everyone he knows about you (as though he’s buying a new car) and getting the 411 on everything related to your past, he will introduce you to all of his friends – all of them – granted that the carfax he gets is squeaky clean. He will ask his friends – in front of you – what they think about you because he’s too insecure to survive without society’s constant approval of his decisions and behavior. If you actually grow to like one of his friends, telling him “Hey I like Mark. He’s cool,” will only make him turn green with envy but he’ll “mask” it by telling you all sorts of ugly things about Mark so that no one robs him of his imaginary alpha male status.
It’s sad because he doesn’t know how ridiculous he sounds; he actually thinks he’s being smart. At this point you see right through his insecurities and potential menstruation possibilities. While you are disgusted, he’s already planning your wedding in the back of his mind.

The Male Friends: Your guy friends will be the object of his mystification. Whenever you tell him you’re going to have coffee with your male best friend, he gets that bewildered, stupefied, baffled, confused, perplexed expression on his face as he feels he’s being disrespected. It’s usually followed by a useless conversation like this:
Mr. Stupefied: “I like Ryan. He’s cool. So . . . how come you two never dated?”
You: “Because I consider him to be my brother as well as my best friend.”
Mr. Stupefied: “Ah. Oh. Ooh. Eh. I see. I just don’t believe in platonic friendship.”
You: “Is there a problem?”
Mr. Stupefied: (laughing and giggling retardedly) “No, no, no, noooo. Not at all.”
After telling him he’s insecure, he will look at you in disbelief as he tells you you’re the first person to ever tell him that, for he is known as the alpha male of his pack. We all have our dreams.

The Interrogation: He will find hypothetically intelligent ways to ask you about your sexual history.
Inspector Clouseau: “I love Usher’s new song.”
You: “Me too!”
Inspector Clouseau: “By the way, how many guys have you been with . . . umm, ohh, uuuhhh, you know, intimately?”
You: “Does it matter?”
Inspector Clouseau: “No, no, of course not! But it does in a way. I just think that three is more than enough. So, have you been with more than three?”
You: “Are you f***ing serious?”
Inspector Clouseau: “Ha Ha Haaa, I’m only kidding. But really now, how many?”
You: “HOW IS THAT EVEN RELEVANT?!”

You see, he has a simple case of “I’m utterly retarded but I just haven’t realized it yet.”
One day.

The In-Laws: He’ll invite you to have lunch with his family (as a very official “what do you think of my new girlfriend” type of thing). You will witness their eyes on you at every instant. They will ask you a variety of questions that would indicate if you’d make a good life-long mate for their daughter son and bear healthy offspring. This means you should speak at least three languages, not smoke or drink (for a healthy uterus) and display good manners and values (which you will be passing down to your unborn children). There is no need to feel like you’re a frog being dissected. This is a normal move that your homo “boyfriend” does on every girl he dates. He’s actually offended that you haven’t done the same yet. He hints that he’d like to be invited for lunch. You pretend to be deaf. He keeps hinting for the next few weeks.

The Future: Yes, he talks about it a lot. He tells you about his career plans, his travels, where he’s planning on living, how many children he’s planning on having and what schools he wants them to go to. The not-so-subtle hints in his speech imply – nay, verify – that you are included in that future.
Psycho Husband-to-be: “I want to put my kids in a French school.”
You: “Oh. Good for you. I want to put mine in an English school.”
Psycho Husband-to-be: “WHAT?! NEVER! MY CHILDREN MUST LEARN THREE LANGUAGES!”
You: “What the f*** is your problem? You can pin tails on YOUR kids for all I care.”

To paint a clearer picture, he will send you a photo of him carrying a baby. As you find yourself wondering what the bloody point is, you realize he’s trying to sell you the “I’ll be a good father” image.
*Barf*
He may also show you his baby photos or tell you the 1001 tales of how he was a gorgeous child.
This is when you realize that his ovaries are aching for a fetus.

In less than two weeks, he’s already told you he loves you. He’s already made plans with you for the next 70 years; he’s already introduced you to every living soul he knows. He’s already put so many rules and conditions to bore, suffocate and choke you instead of enjoying what could have been a natural dating process.

At this point, you feel harassed, abused and suffocated. You have had enough and decide it’s time to set some ground rules. You explain to him that he needs to chill a little because he’s freaking you out. He is now offended on 56 different levels, and decides that you are immature and incapable of committing to a relationship. He makes you look like the weird person (because it’s only normal to make marriage plans after sharing one meal together).

I’m just sick and tired of hearing that all women are clingy, needy and obsessed with marriage. Last time I checked, the roles have kind of reversed and there are way too many twisted guys out there that have destroyed the notion of what a man should be like. I dedicate this week’s entry to all my girlfriends (and all the girls out there) who have had to tolerate such losers; you don’t need to accept this crap, because if the roles were reversed, they would have been running for the woods after date #2.

As for those women out there who appreciate and encourage this sort of behavior, I wonder if you’ve asked yourselves how much a man values you as a person if all he’s trying to do is mold you into his perfect trophy wife. Does he want to get married because it’s you that he loves? Or does he “love” you because you can fill up the spot of “wifey” in his distorted idea of a marriage? Think about it.

“Women don’t make fools of men most of them are the “do-it-yourself” types.”

Women’s Nine Deadly Words

In dire need of humor while procrastinating at work, I found myself browsing through thechive.com where I found something interesting about the deadly words that women say to men. The problem is, women are very expressive. We can talk for hours; talk and talk till we’re all talked out, and the more we talk the less men listen. When we are really in one of those moods, we are very brief and limit our self-expression to two words or less – just like men – except what we say is rarely ever what we mean. Men still don’t understand this because they are simple and direct.
I’d like to add my two cents to the nine deadly words I came across today, in hopes that I may contribute in facilitating the communication process between simple men and their complex women.

Fine: When a woman tells you “I’m fine” after you’ve ticked her off, be sure that in her head she’s already killed you 5 times. She is anything but fine. She is furious. She still wants to argue and she wants to make sure that you’re as crushed as she is before she feels fine.
Similarly, if you’ve made plans for a romantic getaway and decide to cancel last minute because you have some work to finish up or because your friend is flying into town, you will ask her if it’s okay that she stays home and she will respond with “fine”. You may kiss her on the forehead and hug her for being so supportive, but she’s not. You better find a way to make it up to her very fast or she will unleash all hell’s fury on you after her long talking hiatus.

Five Minutes: You’re going out for dinner. You reach her place and wait for her in the car to finish getting dressed. She tells you she needs five minutes. It means she probably just got out of the shower and is still drying her hair. Even if she’s ready and fully dressed, it’ll take her a while to stare at herself in the mirror, pick at her split ends, adjust her cleavage, re-think her choice of shoes, make sure her dress isn’t too long or too short and examine her butt for a good five minutes alone. This means, when she says “I need five minutes” you can safely conclude that she needs 20 to 40 more minutes.
Learn it, live it, love it.
Some men have made the mistake of leaving the girl’s house after a 10 minute wait to teach her a lesson. That is called “playing with fire.” She will snap at you with accusations of how you’re discourteous, inconsiderate and offensive (regardless of her making you wait half an hour). Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she will be the victim of disrespect no matter what.

Nothing: You know that something is wrong; you feel it in your bones. You must have done or said something that really pissed her off. This usually occurs in a public setting or at least in the presence of a third person. You ask her what’s wrong and she says, “Nothing.” Usually “nothing” is followed by silence and if she acknowledges your presence, it’s usually with a very cold stare. The longer the silence, the bigger the argument. Prepare yourself. There’s usually no way out of this. If you choose to accept that nothing is wrong, she will find a way to blow it out of proportion and label you as insensitive and ignorant. If you keep asking, be ready to accept that you’ve done something wrong although you’ll be called an idiot for not know what your mistake was.

Go Ahead: She is not giving you her consent, she is testing you. If you want to do something like have dinner with your ex-girlfriend or go somewhere like a strip club with your friends, she’ll tell you “go ahead.” What she really means though is “don’t you f***ing dare!”
Of course, you will end up going. Be prepared to receive the cold shoulder for hours, maybe days. Expect for her to go on a girls’ night out and return home drunk at 5 am. If you express your disappointment towards her behavior, she’ll accuse you of having double standards. If you act indifferent about it, she’ll keep poking at you till you explode. Either way, you’re going to suffer till you repent.

Loud Sigh: This is usually expressed when there are no words for her to convey how much of a douche bag she thinks you are. In her head there are hundreds of insults flying around, all directed at you. The long sigh embodies the 685 insults in a graceful manner. This can happen at the beginning or ending of an argument when she realizes, “what am I doing with this idiot?”Of course since you’re oblivious to what this sigh really means, you’re only confirming to her that you are indeed, an idiot.

That’s Okay: You admit to doing something wrong, like lying to her. With a kind and understand smile she says, “That’s okay.” This is a code red. If you look hard enough you’ll notice the redness begin to form in her eyes and the veins starting to pop out of her neck. Days and weeks may pass before you realize that she has been waiting for the perfect opportunity to get her revenge. Always remember that a woman can never be this calm when you do something to piss her off, and the natural balance of the universe will not be restored she releases the wrath of hell upon you.

Thanks: This can be genuine and sincere. Be warned of the undertone because there’s a thin line between sincerity and sarcasm. If she emphasizes her thank you, “Thanks a lot” you better know that she wants to murder you. The worst thing you can do at this point is say, “You’re welcome.” In this case, you’re either stupid, pretending to be stupid or just a full-fledged idiot. Either way, you’re not getting a “get out of jail free” card. She will make you suffer.

Whatever: This is the crème de la crème of the deadly words. When a woman says this, it means she can’t be bothered to argue. When a woman reaches the point where she finds it useless to get angry or nag or argue or prove a point or solve a problem, it means your stupidity has killed every last ounce of passion in the relationship. Of course, she will still hope that you get raped by a herd of mad goats, stomped by them, and then grovel in the dirt till you get second degree burns from the sun until you rot.

Don’t worry, I got it: This comes after she has asked you to do something several times, but ends up doing it herself. Of course, she will then give you the cold shoulder after which you’ll ask her what’s wrong. She’ll say “nothing” followed by an argument, followed by a “that’s okay” followed by a loud sigh after which you’ll do something to make up for it, to which she’ll say “thanks”. Whatever you do, her mindset will be “too little, too late.”

I’m not saying women are melodramatic beings who hold grudges and seek revenge because we’re operated by malevolence. I’m also not saying men are ignorant buffoons that wouldn’t know right from wrong if it hit them on the head. I’m just surprised we can get along at all, but it’s our differences that make it all so fascinating.

“Women are made to be loved, not understood.” Oscar Wilde

8 Stupid Mistakes Women Make With Men

Women are always the victims – always – and although “All men are assholes,” and “See? This is what always happens to nice girls like me!” are usually “valid” reasons as to why he stopped calling or lost interest, they’re far from the truth.
In many cases, yes, men can be assholes. BUT, in all cases it’s an “it takes two to tango” situation. Women tend to forget how their behavior directly affects the direction of the relationship; so when things go wrong, the man is blamed – fully – and the woman holds on to her victim card as she complains about the scarcity of good men and the wretchedness of being man-less. In some cases when a woman does ask herself or her friend, “Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? How? When? What? Blah?!” it usually ends with the most ridiculous and complex analysis that has nothing to do with the situation. I’m not Oprah or Dr. Phil, but I’ve gathered information from personal experiences, friends’ mistakes, and things I’ve heard from hundreds of men about the mistakes women make during the early stages of a relationship that get their men running for the woods.

1.       The Verbal Diarrhea: Being sociable and fun is lovely. Awkward silences are uncomfortable. BUT, when you keep talking regardless of the content and without pausing to take a breath, it becomes very childish. Men will perceive this as irritating, insecure, nervous behavior. He will not only block out the sound of your voice, but he will no longer be intrigued by you as he will perceive you as an insecure child. Remember, silence is golden; and silence also means that you indeed have a brain that processes information and ears that listen. When you are silent, it makes a guy wonder what you’re thinking about – and that is intriguing.  

2.       The Open Book: When you meet a guy, the last thing you want to do is spill your heart out to him. Do not tell him sob stories about your exes, or talk to him about your sexual escapades, or about how you have abandonment issues because of your father, or how your mother teases you about your weight. Do not complain about your jiggly arms or your fat thighs or your chunky belly (which he probably never noticed until you brought attention to them). Do not tell him your friends’ secrets or gossip about half the country. Do not tell him how you’ve liked him and stalked him for months on Facebook while asking people about his latest news. Let him wonder, “Does she like me? What does she want?” Telling him too much is like going to see a movie but seeing the spoilers first. Why read a book when you already know what happens in every chapter? It becomes predictable and boring. A man likes to be intrigued and finds it a lot more interesting and challenging to discover who you are and how you think one step at a time. The more mysterious you are, the higher his interest level.

3.       The Human Disclaimer: When it comes to what you expect from the guy or the relationship, it’s simple: keep your mouth shut. Women believe that they should state all facts and requirements before the 4^th date so that they don’t waste any time:
“I’m looking for a serious relationship and I want to get married. I don’t want someone who is going to waste my time or break my heart. I’ve wasted enough time and gotten my heart broken way too many times. I want a gentleman who will worship me, take care of me and treat me like a princess. I don’t want someone who just wants to fool around and have fun.”
After you say that, the guy’s face will probably turn yellow as he wipes the sweat off his forehead and reminds himself to breathe. Why? Because he just understood that you want to marry him tomorrow simply because you want to get married (and not because you like him as a person). He also understood that you are probably Hitler’s great granddaughter or the spawn of Satan who will suffocate him and not allow him to have one fun moment as long as he’s with you.
If he’s a royal asshole, he’ll probably tell you he’s serious about you and go on to name your first child. After he has sex with you, you’ll never hear from him again.
Every guy starts off wanting to fool around and have fun. It’s your ACTIONS not your words that determine the direction of the relationship and the nature of his feelings. The whole point of the dating process is to learn about each other.

4.       The Goodie Two-Shoes: Last week I mentioned how women are attracted to the Alpha Male; a powerful, smart man who never comes across as eager or desperate. That being said, why would a man like a weak, eager and desperate woman? What man ever had a sexual fantasy about fragile anemic woman? It’s usually the dominating nurse, school teacher, and so on.
A foolish, nice girl will put her man before her in everything because she is scared of losing him. She will never argue with him and she will never allow her schedule to conflict with his. He is always her priority.
You don’t want to always agree with a man just because you want to please him. You must have your own opinions. If he doesn’t like that new pair of shoes you bought, who cares! Don’t stop wearing them. If he does something wrong or disrespectful, you mustn’t stand for it. For example, if he’s two hours late to pick you up, explain to him in a firm way that your time is precious to you and that he should let you know next time. If he’s late again, take the initiative and cancel your date. If he tells you he wants to go out for dinner on Wednesday and it conflicts with your schedule (even if it’s your yoga class), postpone the date to another day. When you do these things it doesn’t mean he will go and find someone else who is more understanding, it means he will respect you more for being an independent woman.

5.       The Over-Trying/Doing/Needing/Nagging:  When you are dating a guy, never give too much. A mistake that women fall into is that when they care a lot about someone, they tend to worry a lot and give a lot. Worrying a lot puts you in the same category with his mama. When you become his mama it’s game over, because mama will never walk away if he’s acting bad (so he takes advantage of that) . . . and also because no man views his mama as a sexual being, and the last thing you want is for him to start desiring other women. “Don’t drink too much. Are you eating right? Are you getting enough sleep? Are you exercising? Don’t forget to call Mark. Don’t forget to take your vitamins.” You are not his mama! Or his nurse or his nanny or his secretary.
When a woman gives all her time to a man, she becomes emotionally dependant. This is wrong. No guy likes a needy, dependant woman that can’t stand on her own two feet. Never let go of your daily routine for a man; keep your friendships and social life intact, give priority to your work, spend time with your family, and most importantly, always have your “ME” time. Whether it’s hiking, painting, reading a book, your alone time is therapeutic; it allows you to relax and de-stress – versus venting to him . . . all the time . . . like a psycho.
Never ever quit your job to spend more time with him, and what’s worse, depending on him financially. With time he will lose respect for you, start viewing you as a burden and will boss you around and control your life.
Never overdo things. When you start seeing a guy and you cook for him, it comes across as desperate, “I’m trying so hard to please you because I can’t believe a guy actually looked at me.” What’s worse is that he’ll think you cook for every guy you meet. My Ex kept insisting that I cook for him. So I did. He started expecting me to do that on a frequent basis. We stopped going out for dinner and he stopped saying “Thank you”. One day, I “accidentally” burnt his pots, set half the kitchen on fire, and it took 3 days to get the horrible odor out of his apartment. Ever since, we’d always go out for dinner or order in. He even cooked for me a few times, after which I said “Thank you”.
When you’re too nice, a guy gets comfortable and takes you for granted. When a girl gives too much, she usually expects the guy to give more. It never works that way. He will give less and less till one day she’s the only one giving and that’s when she becomes needy and naggy – which only pushes him further away. In this case, take five steps back and focus on yourself. You know who else will be focusing on you? Him of course.

6.       The Demanding Diva: Of course every man likes to treat his woman, but no man enjoys feeling that he is expected to all the time without feeling gratitude. A woman may make the man feel that he’s obliged to pay for her dinner and buy her things. She shows no gratitude and even behaves as though she is expecting it. By offering to pay sometimes and by saying thank you every time and showing your gratitude to your man’s generosity and thoughtfulness, he looks forward to doing more for you. Whereas if you act indifferent about it, he doesn’t feel rewarded or appreciated for his efforts and he will stop doing them or even stop seeing you altogether.
You also shouldn’t expect him to do things and then scold him for not doing them. Judge him by who he is and not by his potential. If you can’t accept him as he is, don’t try to change him – simply walk away.
For example, if you want him to call you when he reaches home and he forgets, it sounds ridiculous when you yell at him, “Why didn’t you call me, why?!” If he wanted to call you, he would have.

7.       The Predictable Pattern: Never fall into a predictable pattern with a guy. Always keep him on his toes. If he’s used to you calling him three times a day (when you wake up, when you finish lunch, and when you’re off to bed) stop it! Change that pattern. If he expects to see you every evening at 7 pm, change that pattern. If he expects you to answer every time he calls, change that pattern. Nothing kills romance like routine. When two people get too comfortable, they stop making an effort. When everything is predictable, the spark dies. Don’t always be at his beck and call. It’s good to be unavailable from time to time. It’s good that he wonders where you are and what you’re doing. I don’t understand why couples are expected to report back to each other every time they breathe, “Hey baby. I just left home. Just got to Tina’s house. Just stopped by the gas station. Just farted.” It’s B-O-R-I-N-G! It turns your relationship into something robotic, mechanical and void of passion.

8.       The Drama Mama: Don’t hang on every word he says. Focus on his actions. Do not overreact about every single little thing. Do not constantly talk about your feelings and what you’re feeling and how your feelings are hurt. Go eat some chocolate and get over it. Men freak out when they hear the word “feelings” or “emotions”. Never overanalyze what he says or does; his brain is so, so simple. If he comments that some girl has a nice ass, don’t throw a hissy fit. It’s not like he’s going to pounce on her; he’s probably just saying it to get a reaction from you. Don’t scream or cry or shout while you’re arguing with him – keep your composure so that he takes you seriously. When a man calls you dramatic, it’s because he perceives you as emotional. Men consider emotional people childish and do not take them seriously. Keep that in mind the next time your mascara is running down your cheeks as you wail at him, “YOU DON’T LOVE ME! YOU DON’T APPRECIATE ME! I HAVE FEELINGS. I NEED ATTENTION. NAG NAG NAG.” Chill. It’s logical: if too much talking bothers men, why not try doing the opposite? Don’t talk at all. Distance yourself. That ought to get his attention and send your message across without all the drama.

Men can be children. Women can be idiots. We all have our flaws, but if we try to learn a bit more about how the other sex functions, we’d all know how to communicate and behave better – and avoid the “What went wrong? Everything was perfect,” sob story.
Always remember, a man is not responsible for your happiness; you are.

“Well done is better than well said.” Benjamin Franklin

8 Stupid Mistakes Men Make With Women

Have you men ever wondered what you may have done wrong to make her stop answering your calls? Did she go from super infatuated to super disgusted in 48 hours? Below are some stupid mistakes men tend to make in the early stages of dating someone. To those who are clueless, read and learn.To those who know but choose to ignore, read and be reminded of how unpleasant you are.

1.       The Eager Beaver: Seriously, don’t act like you’re going to pop a vein in your neck just to please us. We appreciate gentlemen and chivalrous behavior, but we also feel like you’re insecure when you’re trying too hard to be nice. Do not choke on your water while laughing to a lame joke of ours. Do not shower us with compliments every five minutes as if you have an OCD of some sort: *drinks beer* “You’re so pretty,” *turns off radio* “You’re so funny,” *drives car* “You’re amazing”. The trick here is to make us earn our compliments. Women like a good challenge too.

2.       The Sex-Obsessed: Obviously, we want to be sexy. We want you to find us sexy and have all sorts of dirty thoughts. We certainly do not want to remind you of your mother, but we also do not want to be pounced on by horndogs. A horndog is a man that will call a woman at 4 am to express his feelings of horniness and how she can help in that department . . . after a first date. A Horndog is a guy that has crazy hands after your first dinner together. A horndog is a guy that will keep pushing for sex by making the girl feel guilty for not putting out. A horndog’s approach is usually – and generally – an EPIC FAIL. Before a girl gives herself to a guy, she likes to know that he’s interested in her personality and not just her body. The trick here is to pace yourself. Give every stage the amount of time it needs . . . even sex.  When you do eventually get her into bed, please do not reenact your favorite porno movie. NOT sexy.

3.       The Possessive Papa: When you’re in a fresh relationship, try your best not to turn into the mighty hulk because it’s such a major turn off and red flag for us women. Imagine this scenario: You watched the game with the boys, and obviously since your woman has a life of her own, she goes out drinking with some friends. Your game finishes and you realize she’s still out (although it isn’t even midnight yet) so you call her. She doesn’t pick up. You call her again, once, twice, eight times . . . no answer. You BBM her, text her, Facebook her, tweet to her – at this point you’ve approached her from every angle (like a stalker) telling her things like, “Who the heck are you with? Are you cheating on me? Who’s the guy? What are you doing till this hour? Who are you doing till this hour?”
At this point, she’s thinking “Oh my Gosh . . . FREAK!” and you’re lucky if she doesn’t run as far away from you as possible. The trick here is to call once or twice tops, and then wait for her to call you back. Don’t make a grand reaction or dramatic speech – act cool and keep your composure. She’ll even be surprised and intrigued at how self-confident and in control you are.

4.       The Cheap Creep: No matter how modern and independent a woman is, and even if she makes a good living and pays all her bills herself, she will still judge how much a man likes her depending on how many times he pulls out his wallet. While decent women are happy paying every three or four dates, making a woman pull out her wallet too soon is a major turn off. This sends a message to us that you are definitely not the type of man we see ourselves with, whether it’s now or 10 years from now.
You may never, under any circumstance, allow a woman to pay on a first date – or what’s even worse “split the bill”. This has nothing to do with women being shallow or materialistic . . . this is about men being chivalrous, debonair gentlemen. The trick here is to always remember the basics, be old school and charming; be a gentleman. You don’t need to take her out to the most expensive restaurant, but make sure you take her somewhere where you can afford to pay for dinner yourself. It’s not about your money, it’s about your generosity.

5.       The Ex-Oriented: Never forget that women and men come from different schools of thought. While men may perceive another man to be challenging, women get disgusted by another woman being in the picture – especially if it’s the Ex. NEVER talk about your Ex. We don’t want to know how amazing she was or how she broke your heart or listen to the sob story of how you don’t know how things went wrong. We are not your buddy, and even your buddies might find you pathetic if you’re still dwelling on your Ex months after you’ve broken up.
Three words: GET OVER IT.
It is unsexy to listen to you whining about another woman. It emasculates you. We also cannot bear the thought of dealing with all that extra baggage. Our aim in life is not to make you forget an old love and heal your wounds and help you fly again, we want someone who is in top shape so we don’t have to worry about breaking his fragile heart or hurting his sensitive feelings. We want an alpha male.

6.       The Beer Buddy: It’s crucial to have fun with your woman and enjoy good conversation with her. It’s very important to be comfortable around each other and feel as though you are friends and can talk about almost anything together. BUT, what some men fail to understand is that treating a woman like she’s one of the guys is a complete no-no. It’s very bizarre when you start talking to us about that woman’s fine ass or start burping after every meal and insist on farting while watching TV. Would you like it if a woman took you on a tour of her endometrium while she explained how she will be shedding blood in 3 days? Or if she spilled her heart out to you about how her left breast is larger than her right one . . . or how her manicurist filed her nails wrong or how she’s considering anal bleaching.
Trick here is: You do not have sex with your male buddy (granted you’re not homosexual). Hence, try to keep your farting and burping to yourself. Always remember that a woman is a woman and not one of your dudes. Continue treating her like a woman no matter what. Whether it’s how you speak to her or how you treat her. Don’t be a slob!

7.       The Cocky-Dudle-Doo: I have recently learned a new piece of trivia about parrot training. While training a parrot, you must keep it at a level below yours so that it does not forget that you are the master. If you extend your finger to it while the parrot’s at a higher level, it will bite your finger. The trick here is to put the parrot on the ground where it feels more vulnerable; when you extend your finger now, the parrot will climb onto it instead – Job well done.
This is where the term “Cocky” comes from. Men tend to confuse self-confidence with cockiness. There’s nothing sexier than a self-confident man, someone who knows that he does not need to exude arrogance and behave as though he’s better than everyone else in order to gain admiration. A self-confident man is fair and has his feet firmly on the ground. A cocky man will always try to make the woman feel as though she’s lucky to have him or even to bask in his majestic presence; he will always try to be condescending. I say, get your feet back on the ground you measly little parrot because no woman enjoys being around a self-worshipping “man” with a God complex.

8.       Sir Brag-a-lot: If you are privileged enough to have a sick house and an eye-catching ride, good for you. Your woman will eventually see all your expensive belongings and you’ll have more than enough time to impress her. If you have a killer job and an enviable education, you will also have plenty of time to talk about them and amaze her. But, it’s simply unacceptable to be sitting across from a woman on your first date while telling her, “Oh yes, I drive my Porsche to work because there’s a lot of traffic. I leave the Ferrari for the nighttime when I drive over to one of the clubs I own. Did I mention that I own an entire office building in the Downtown area? It is ten minutes away from my ten million dollar apartment. On the weekends I like sleeping in my boat while I’m cruising to Cyprus.” All this is said while flaunting your expensive watch.
The example given above – although an exaggeration – is the definition of “disgusting”. It’s the definition of what not to say on a first date or on any date for that matter.
If a woman has standards, values, a brain, and good taste, she will leave you in the middle of dinner and never talk to you again. She will never take your calls, and if you ever run into each other, she will run in the opposite direction as she tells her friend how much of a retard you are.
If she does happen to stick around, you may notice a sparkle in her eyes, possibly shaped like a dollar sign surrounded by glittery stars, because this gold digger knows she’s hit the jackpot.
What baffles me is that men complain to me every day about how gold diggers are everywhere and cannot be avoided. What I’ve noticed is that those who complain the most are those who flaunt their expensive possessions the most. The trick here is to maintain an aura of mystery; let the woman explore and discover these things about you. First, you’ll filter out the gold diggers. Second, you’ll maintain your class and not seem like you’re nouveau riche and vulgar.

Yes, we women do have our flaws, but that doesn’t make men’s flaws any more acceptable; and in all fairness it will be the women’s turn next week.
Men have this thing about their ego; they will stop at nothing to prove that they’re indestructible, strong, rational beasts that are unaffected by women’s “manipulative attempts”. I bet if men had the chance to pound their chest while standing on the roof of a building, they’d do it just to flaunt their masculinity. We get it, you’re powerful creatures that cannot be swayed (bla bla), but that logic has nothing to do with being a gentleman. Being a gentleman is the biggest sign of power in a man. Knowing what pleases a woman is the biggest sign of wisdom in a man. Of course, the average man will have read a few lines of this and said “Bullocks! This is utter crap. Women are the problem here, not men.” And that my friends, is the typical reaction of a coward.
Remember, a man won’t get anywhere with a woman without possessing good manners and making some effort.

“A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he has been born and raised in the arms of a queen.”

Dealing With a Breakup

Disclaimer: This week’s “La Wlooo” column entry will probably not make you laugh. I have not become lame, and I have not lost my sense of humor; I have merely chosen to tackle a sensitive topic that so many people around me are going through. If you’re looking for a good laugh, please stop reading now and don’t waste your time with “this was so lame and pointless” comments. Thank you; I love you all.

One of the things that remains constant in life is “endings”. All things must come to an end, whether they’re good or bad, and whether you’re happy or upset; you must accept it at some point and move on. Breakups are never easy to deal with, especially during the season of engagements and weddings (and especially since your Facebook homepage rubs it in your face every day with photos and status updates). Always remember that the key here is acceptance, but before you achieve that level of graciousness, hell must break loose for a while.
“There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.”

Denial: This is when your friends ask you about your sweetheart and you say that everything’s fine. It’s when you wake up in the morning forgetting that you broke up . . . then it hits you 10 seconds later. It’s that unrealistic hope that you’ll somehow patch things up, no matter how messy they are. It’s refusing to acknowledge the bad times while you focus on the good times you two shared.

Anger: You realize that you are indeed alone now, and you realize that your ex is doing nothing to get you back. You feel betrayed after everything you’ve done and been through. You begin to remember the bad times and you feel the urge to strangle your ex to death. You feel that you were the one that was wronged. You feel the utmost hatred toward that putrid being who you once loved.

Bargaining: After the anger subsides and you’re no longer seeing red, you realize that you did some wrong things too. You try to talk it over with your ex who is now probably on a power trip because you’re supposedly asking for a second chance. You fight again. You both realize you can’t deal with this amount of drama. You decide you’re better off apart.

Depression: Now you know it’s over. You’re no longer in denial; no longer angry . . . you can see things as they are. You lock yourself up in your room, cry your eyes out. You then try to go out every single day and night to keep yourself busy. You pretend to happy and sure of your decision . . . until one day you hopefully are.

Acceptance: That day arrives when you realize you haven’t thought of your ex for a few days. It’s easier to wake up in the morning and it’s easier to sleep at night. You actually enjoy yourself when you go out; you actually look forward to meeting new people.
You finally accept that you both had valid and substantial reasons for ending things, and only time will reveal whether or not you two will want to fix those problems.
Will you still think of your ex? Of course. Will you ever forget your ex? Never. Except now, you can deal with the idea that the past is the past and you look forward to the future. You trust that time will set everything straight.

Tips for the Broken-Hearted:

Never listen to cheesy sob-inducing love songs that keep the tears running down your face. Are you sadist? I think not. Go get yourself some Black Eyed Peas and Bob Marley music. Listen to anything gay and cheery.

Take the time you need to cry and sob and pity yourself. When that’s done (hopefully in less than two weeks), if you’re still feeling low, slap yourself on the face and wake up! There’s an entire world of opportunities waiting for you outside . . . right after you shower.

Do not tell the entire world your break up sob story. If you and your ex get back together, you’ll be the laughing stock of the town. Also, not many people care about your problems; they’re content enough to know that you’re suffering (regardless of the reasons).

Do not stalk your ex. It’s pitiful, frightening, and weird. By stalking, I mean: Facebook, Twitter, BBM, phone calls, and following them to certain places. Keyword: weird.

If you want your ex back and you’re sure that you’re meant to be together, give the break up the time and space it needs. Don’t push or rush things. Don’t forget that “if you love something let it go . . .” bla bla bla.

Never drink alcohol if you’re messy on the inside. Believe me you’ll get drunk, turn into a monster, and wake up the next day feeling like someone rearranged your insides. You also wouldn’t want to know the things you blurted out while you were intoxicated.

Go to the gym. Let out all that negative energy (and you’ll also lose the 3 kgs worth of depression weight that piled up during the last few weeks).

Don’t be a ho. This applies to both men and women. If you want to get your ex’s attention by shoving your tongue down some stranger’s throat for the entire world to see, it’s a bad idea.

Don’t listen to what people tell you. Forget about the post-break up rules and etiquette that would drive you madder than a wild goat. Enjoy your freedom without worrying about your every move and about what people might think or say about you (within limits of course).

Contrary to popular belief: Life goes on. You had a life before your ex; you’ll have a life after your ex.

Tips for the Friends of the Broken-Hearted:

Do not share your happiness with your broken-hearted friend. Always remember that misery loves company and there is no way in heck that even a broken-hearted sister or best friend can truly enjoy listening to your gay and happy-go-lucky stories.

Create a group on Facebook called “the broken-hearted” and adjust your privacy settings so that they may not even glimpse at your lovey-dovey photos. The Broken-hearted stare are your “we are so in love” photos late at night when they are at their loneliest and cast spells on you. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but you should be scared and you should watch it.

Do not allow your broken-hearted friend to drink shots. Do not allow your broken-hearted friend to nag and seek advice from random strangers. Allow yourself to slap your broken-hearted friend when he/she starts acting like an obsessed delusional child. Prevent your broken-hearted friend from dialing the ex by confiscating their phone.

That being said, I wish you all love . . . no matter how long it takes for you to find it. When you do, cherish it, fight for it, and never stop reminding yourself of how lucky you are.
I’ll now go die a little for being so constructive and nice.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”  Winston Churchill